Swinging Along

I caught a cold and am doing my best to be pathetic at home and still be somewhat useful to the family. I get concerned when I am sick so I stop kissing my family and limit contact and sleep in the other room. I can only guess that I caught something at work as no one at home is sick. And, I don't kiss or touch or sleep with anyone at work so I should assume that this 'bug' can get across to others regardless. Still, since Enzo was born, I feel cautious around the little ones when down with something. Maybe I'll be less concerned when they are older. Maybe when I am less anxious.

The best thing about being sick however, is the permission I sometimes give myself to not be productive. It is a relief. I am cultivating that relief for my every day life so that I can enjoy it when healthy.

So, while I was moping around on the couch, Tami and the kids went for a walk and played at the park. I'm a little jealous. But at least I get to see a picture of my daughter on a swing.

Ana Walking with a Cart

Headlines

(Playing at the Children's Discovery Museum.)

She walks while holding on!  She claps! She makes up her own word-like sounds!  She rolls around, smiles and laughs!  She feeds herself with her spoon!  She is the great Ana!

(Playing with the camera; being a photographer.)

He laughs!  He gives his sister food!  He understands English and Spanish! He says new words every day!  And...... he told his mom "I love you" for the first time!!!!!!!!!  He is the wonderful Enzo!

Ana and Sleep

Today was a day of settling debts. Not financial, those I hope I deal with next week as Tami brought home some checks. Thanks love. But the sleep accountant was next to literally holding our debts over our heads. The day started with me waking up with Enzo at some very early morning time. Tami recently realized she too is under rested when she decided that a pot ON THE FIRE OF THE STOVE did not LOOK HOT so she placed the palm of her hand on it. More then the burn she was contemplating how she could possibly think that was a rational idea. So, I decided to play with Enzo and let Tami sleep. Then Ana awoke and Tami asked me if I could watch her so she could sleep more. I said yes but she didn't know my plan was already to give her as much sleep as possible. Sometime while playing I realized I was actually struggling to stay awake and was grateful for every second When Enzo played with his sister. I must have been doing something right because later Tami mentioned that as she drifted off to sleep again she was thinking about how nice it was that I played with my kids in the morning with so much attention. What she actually said was that she wished she did that more instead of doing things like dishes and wash diapers when she was watching the kids but really I don't know how we would get along if she didn't love our children, work, and manage the house. I take the compliment though as a sign that I am doing something right.

I gave Tami a little extra sleep but I was hurting. And then Tami got up and let me go back to sleep.... For hours! I woke up around noon and all three of them were showered, diapers were washed, and the world was more orderly. We walked to lunch for them and breakfast for me. Then we came home to put the kids to sleep for a nap. We owe the sleep accountant several dollars yet but thanks to Tami I only owe change and the kids have clean clothes.

Which brings me back to Ana. My beautiful girl. An update. I haven't heard her speak a word since the day after her first word. But I did, for the first time during our play this morning, see what Tami saw already. Ana is walking along while holding on to surfaces! Beautiful.  Exciting. Thankfully I still get to see her crawl which I love. Actually, I get to see all of us crawl because sometimes we all do. Yesterday I was part of a crawl chain with Enzo, me, Ana and Tami. Crawling is way more fun then I remembered.

But also, I saw Ana do two other neat developmental achievements. She let go and stood on her own...... for about a second. And, she let go of the couch and lunged at my belly.

Enzo's First Day of School

(Going to his first day of school with his lunch bag that he decorated.)

Enzo is now officially a student. He is now enrolled at Tami's bilingual preschool and had his first day last Friday. We all went to drop him off, wish him a good day, and say good bye. It was not at all a traumatic experience for The Kid; he's been there many times before with his mom. But this time he had his own cubby for his stuff and learned to put his things there and to put his lunch with the other lunches. That was new for him. Then, he just walked away from us that morning and sat down to a play dough station. We had already said bye but keep taking pictures and watching. Then we had to go say bye one more time. Tami and I both left out the front door.

(Off to the play dough after we said good bye in the morning.)

If I could have, I would have been tempted to stay much longer.  Tami says on the long side there are parents who have stayed an hour on the first day before. I went to work, and so did Tami. Tami's work was in the office next door to Enzo's class but she kept herself hidden the whole day until pick up time.  When she wanted to, she could peek through an office door that opened directly into Enzo's class. Enzo did great. He is officially a student with a day of school behind him. Now, I expect to have to work even harder to keep up with his Spanish. Tami speaks to the kids in Spanish and I get to hear some of it but now he'll be a couple of days each week picking up on more words that haven't come up around me yet. As it is, English or Spanish, he continues to add words every day. On several occasions Tami and I have asked each other where he learned a word from and found out that neither of us knows.

(Showing off the ball he made with dough when we went back to say good bye a second time.)

Enzo has good manners. He says gracias often when he is given something and this weekend he said "thank you Papi" when I got him the water he was asking for. I remember wondering how he would learn when Tami would say "gracias Papi" for him after I gave him something. I thought there was no way he would understand that these words are for him to say. But it worked. I thought he would have to be taught everything explicitly but it turns out everything is learned from our modeling. So now it is simultaneously the easiest thing and a challenge to teach him anything in the near future; I just need to be a good example.

We play catch often now. We play up close and with a larger 8 inch or so diameter ball. I had been wondered how long it would take for him to catch as kicking accurately became so easy for him. Catching is such a complex activity. Everything we do is, really. We humans are simply amazing.  Well, he has figured out how to catch a ball thrown close up.  I'm not sure how long the progression takes but he did get a baseball glove for Christmas so I imagine we'll be playing catch with a regular baseball outside before too long.

Enzo also likes for me to sing the ABCs to him. We started doing that every night recently as pat of our reading before bed. He really likes it. But I never told him it was called the ABCs, I just sang the song. So I think it is interesting that he started asking at night "ABC?" when he wants me to sing.  Again, I just can't account for where he learns all of the words or phrases he picks up. I finally have him convinced that the letter A is the letter A. I was wondering if he was going to start first grade some day thinking the alphabet was "Oakland-B-C-D, E-F-G.." He would see an A somewhere and point and say "Oakland!" Now, with an ABC book I've been able to show him E for Enzo and A for Ana. Thankfully someone he cares about has an A for a first initial or I'm not sure how I would have gotten him this far.

He is smart and beautiful. He is a genius. Not at the exclusion of your kid or anyone else's, dear reader. It is just that it is simply amazing what small children can do. It's amazing what we can do, for that matter. They smile, snuggle, laugh, crawl around you and every obstacle when you try to block them then forget their frustration and laugh with you when you are amused with their creativity, learn to get pieces of toys to fit together, rest gently up against you when they are sleepy, learn to walk and push a chair to get what is on a higher shelf.  We sit and appreciate the ocean, drive a car without thinking about it, and contemplate the abstract concept of numbers and the shape of space in our universe.  At some point they become us.

It's pretty neat being a human.

Ana the 8 Month Old

Tami: I love how she always sticks her tongue out. She is so cute. She is like a turtle. No, she looks like Spike from Land Before Time! She looks just like Spike. Look, her tongue is even pointy.

(Spike.)

Our beautiful girl is 8 months old now. She crawls super fast. She laughs delightfully with her whole mouth. She does stick her tongue out a lot; I'm surprised it's not in more pictures. A couple of days ago she placed her hand on my shoulder for the first time while I carried her.  It's something I always love when Enzo does it and if feels just as great when Ana does it.  I enjoy just holding them but it is somehow even better when they actively place an arm or a hand on my shoulder.

Randy: (Looking at Ana in Tami's arms) Enzo is never going to be a little baby again.
Tami: Neither is Ana. She's not a little baby anymore.
Randy: She's the closest we've got! (Implied: YES SHE IS!) I need to cuddle her more.

The other day Tami started dancing with Ana and she was definitely enjoying herself. Enzo asked me, or told me, to dance so I picked him up and we all danced around the living room together. These are the great moments in my life.

(On her 8 month birthday.)

Hello 2012

 

(My beautiful baby girl bringing in the New Year on a gorgeous January 1.)

Here is something fun for comparison.  The first picture of my 2012 photo album and the first of my 2011 photo album.  Big changes?  Indeed. 

The Birthday

 (Enzo playing in Santa Cruz.)

It's fascinating that Enzo is two years old now.  How did that happen?  It's amazing to me that I have two children.  Nicole spent New Year's Eve with us.  She was telling me something interesting some time after midnight.  She said something like "People say you should enjoy the time you have with your kids because it will just go... but I have enjoyed all of the time with Shea and still here I am and the time has gone and she is growing up."  Oh, time.  Enzo and Ana are such an important part of my happiness and the source of so much that makes me grateful, as are my family, friends, and opportunities.  It was a good end to a year.  And a good start to 2012.

(Ready to go to breakfast on his birthday.)

And Enzo is two.  It really is amazing to me.  I love him.  I like so many things about him.  I like how he asks for a mandarino and how he peels it himself, takes each part of the little orange apart and eats each piece.  Simple, I know, but I love the fact that he does this.  My little baby has grown so much.  I love how thoughtful he can be.  When his Mama has been hurt in some way, he has gone up to her and touched her and said "sana sana."  Why?  Because he cares about his Mama and when Enzo gets hurt she will rub circles around the elbow, or leg, or what ever was hurt and say "Sana, sana, colita de rana, si no sanas hoy, sanaras manana."  Heal, heal, little frog tail, if you don't heal today, you will heal tomorrow.

The day before his birthday I took him to Santa Cruz and we ordered breakfast for lunch at Aldo's and sat outside to watch the goings on of the harbor.  Then we went and played on the beach.  He was so happy and completely absorbed in playing.  It wasn't on purpose but after the fact I realized I may have been subconsciously showing him how to celebrate a birthday the way I like to.  And my philosophy on celebrating birthdays continued as he celebrated in a way for four days.  Our Santa Cruz day first.  Then, on his actual birthday, the four of us went out for a breakfast so he could get restaurant pancakes, which he loves, and then had dinner at our house with some of our family.  The next day, we had a birthday party for The Kid.  That was New Year's Eve.  The fourth day was Sunday which means Sunday breakfast day at our house and so it was a fourth special event day and another day to see friends and family and play.  Not bad for making the most of a birthday, especially for a two year old.

(The paper airplane distance contest.)

His birthday party theme was things that fly.  Tami made a cake from scratch and I was going to decorate it as we did for his first birthday.  Monte, however, ate half the cake while I was in the shower and Tami was putting the kids to sleep.  Enzo got a store bought cake this time.  It's kind of funny.  Our guests seemed to enjoy themselves.  We had airplane crafts to paint and we even had a paper airplane distance contest which I believe was a huge success.  The winner got to have their picture taken with the winning plane and the Birthday Boy to be recognized here on my blog.  And the winner was...... my dad, Grandpa Tom!

 (The winner! Grandpa Tom!)

 (Enzo playing with his friend.)

And then there was the pinata.  My dad bought the pinata again.  Last year he got the kind that you pull strings on so that the kids don't have to use a bat.  It makes sense for little kids.  The idea is that eventually someone pulls the right string that causes the pinata to open up and spill its goods.  The funny thing about last year's pinata is the maker forgot to make any of the stings the effective string that opened up the pinata.  That was funny.  I ended up ripping it open.  This year, dad bought a regular pinata and my mom and I rigged it to pull open with a string.  We gave it a whole bunch of false strings, too.  To my amazement, the real string made it until almost the end, there were perhaps three strings left, perfect for suspense.  Last year the suspense went all the way to the last string because nothing happened.  But finally, this year, the rigged string was selected!  Pull, pull, pull....SNAP!  The string broke!  Ohhhh, pinata.... you win again.  I see I will have to be extra vigilant next year. I ripped open the pinata again.

(The moment the realization hit....)

Funny, eventful, creative, family and friends... I do believe Enzo had a great birthday.

 (The beautiful birthday boy.)

Enzo is 2!

Enzo at the minute he turned two.

Sertraline a.k.a. Zoloft

One week and one day on Sertraline, the generic name of Zoloft.  I guess I needn't have gotten myself so worked up over the idea of taking medication.  The world keeps spinning and life continues; it really was not a big deal after all.

The first day I had a minor panic attack.  I wonder if it was from being worked up about taking the drug or a continuation of the heightened anxiety level I had been at lately that had motivated me to finally try medication.  There are several potential side effects that, if they show, are expected to go away by two weeks.  The benefits, however, could take a month to show.  On day one I was thinking I may quit right then.  That day I had the panic episode, I felt week, my stomach was very upset with a sort of burning feeling like extreme hunger to the point of gnawing but without the growling. My hands had a cold sweat during the panic which I had not felt as one of my panic symptoms in over a year.  I was tired and insecure feeling for the rest of the day. By day two all was much easier.  I had an upset stomach that felt more like a dull and constant hunger, I needed a nap, and I felt slightly drugged and a little weak. Day 3 through 5 I had become use to the feeling of pseudo-hunger and felt pretty normal, in fact less anxious already, but I did feel a little less sharp as though it might be more difficult for me to solve a complex problem.  The best part was that I was becoming less self absorbed and able to enjoy my family again even if I felt a little bit off.  The feeling of being less sharp minded did concern me and I made the mental note to consider that fact later if it continued.  And now, eight days later, I don't feel any of the side effects except maybe a little more desire to take a nap once in a while, a little extra hungry once in a while, and a slightly effected digestive system.  My mind feels about right.  I feel steady.  My anxiety level and OCD symptoms, while there, have receded several degrees from where I was just over a week ago.  It's difficult to be certain how many of the negative experiences in the first days on the medicine were resulting from my own anxiety but I know the stomach discomfort was different then my normal anxiety caused stomach discomfort and so was the tiredness different than my normal feelings of exhaustion.  Those definitely were side effects.  As for the positives, it is hard to say how much credit the drug gets.  It's still early and I'm not even up to full dose yet.  It could take a month to be effective anyway.  I started one week at 25mg per day, now at 50 per day for week two, week three will be 75, week four will be 100, and then I will check in with the Dr. to see how I am doing on the medicine.  Maybe the drug has helped me already, though.  Maybe the time with my family has made the greater difference.  It's hard to divvy up the credit.  I think a lot of the credit goes to the time enjoying my kids and Tami constantly bringing my attention to good things and helping me to relax and enjoy my time off.  One thing does feel different and so I believe that credit does go to the drug even if it is a bit early for full potency.  When I have the intrusive thoughts, they seem to be less aggressive in their speed and frequency of occurrence to the point where I can catch them a little sooner in the process, acknowledge them, and move on.  I still get some gruesome thoughts and unnecessary stress, but I seem to stop them in the first 20 seconds more often now rather then realizing I have been living in an imaginary 3 minute mini-drama/horror movie in my mind.  That I think is the drug.  In time, I hope to be better at this and to be able to do it with a drug.  That those thoughts are happening a little less frequently now could be the drug or the fact that I am interrupting the cycle more often.  I also notice the same bump of my anxiety with the same triggers around my children's safety but they really don't seem to be stressing me out as much as they usually do.  That too, I think may be the medicine.  And, really, I seem to be getting much more rational about what discomfort remains.  I still feel strained breathing but only maybe once per day now and I am able to talk myself through it.  I was getting pretty frantic there for a while but that part of my daily experience is going away.

My net assessment of the drug after the first day would have been quite negative.  I was thinking, "how did anyone get through this torture to get to the benefit to know they could sell this stuff?"  But a little voice in my mind said "how do you know this is the drug and not your own panic over built up anxiety in taking the medicine?"  So I continued.  Now, my net assessment so far is that it's nothing bad.  There are some minor weird stomach feelings which only show up some times now, some tiredness that has minimized now means I would like a nap once in a day, and a dullness of mind that has gone away.  And I think there is the good in a lessening of the level in anxiety, a slowing in the OCD thoughts, and a little less care about the anxiety that remains.  It's not even close to having vanquished the anxiety, but it has blunted the edge that I felt for a while.  I remain hopeful that in short time, perhaps a month, I will have enough peace to take a full and calm metaphorical and physical breath, to take stock of my situation, and with the clarity of seeing above the clouds, find a direction to progress back to a sustainable peace of mind and well being, however long that takes.  In the mean time, I feel much better right now.

Christmas and First Words

(Great thing about time off is going to the park on a week day.)

Ana said her first words!
She said "bye bye" to her Aunti Tia.

It has been in the last week that Ana started waving.  She is super cute about it.  Her fingers stay still in relation to her hands and her arm stays still, too.  It's all a wrist movement where her whole hand just goes up and down as the wrist bends.  Adorable. Maybe it's because we have been visiting with so many people lately for the holidays. Well, it would seem that waving is not all she has picked up on.  On Christmas night, after dinner at Aunti Tia's house (Tami's sister Traci), Traci was putting Enzo in his car seat and I was putting Ana in hers when Ana started waving and then said "bye bye."  "Did you hear that", I said?  "Yes," said Traci. And then, "bye bye" Ana said again.  When Tami got in the car she said it once again.  Ana is a talker.  English first for her.

(Ana opening presents at Grandma's house.)

Next day, she started saying Mama. Now she is saying Mama the most.  It was only a couple of days ago when, right around when the waving started, I noticed for the first time she was making noises that seemed like practice words.  And then bye bye pops out.  I was expecting a lot longer before a word to come out, used appropriately, after she just started trying to vocalize.  Seriously, the wave alone is so cute that it is alone worth writing about.  Now that she said her first words with the wave it is all the more monumental.  My daughter speaks.  And she smiles.  And she is gorgeous.  And she has these super cute baby hands that I like to look at and hold.  And super cute little feet.  And the softest tummy.  Ana is a remarkably beautiful child.  A beautiful little baby.

(Enzo was drawn to Grandma's music carousel.)

Enzo is now saying his name a lot.  Tami has told me that he says his name but I hadn't heard it until recently.  Now I hear it all of the time.  He says it like "Eh-no" and some times "Eh-nom."  He likes to name the items he knows including people and so his name come up more now.  Tami says she thinks it is Enzo that taught Ana to say Mama.  I've heard him talking to her plenty so I believe it.  Tami says Enzo said Papi before Mama because Tami was always talking about me but that Ana hears Enzo say Mama more so she learned it first. That makes me think about how much energy we put into loving and teaching Enzo these last two years and how now he is actually going to be teaching his sister.  I wasn't thinking at the time about how my son would be a teacher so soon but he has become one.  He is an optimistic teacher.  I heard him trying to teach our dog Monte a few words also.

(Back at our house for Christmas morning.)

I have greatly enjoyed the last several days.  The first few days of Winter break were quite hectic for me and my mind was spinning.  But the last several days I have been able to really calm down and spend time with my family.  Enzo and Ana and I have spent so much more time playing on the floor lately. I have taken so many more opportunities to enjoy these children.  And there is so much to enjoy.  Ana smiles so often and she is more substantial and has more and more personality as the days go on.  Enzo is growing into a little boy and takes care of his sister often.  They play together and they laugh together. Enzo will still bring her toys almost as often as he takes toys away from her.  They are adorable together.  Tami actually taught Enzo to give Ana toys in exchange for ones he wants from her.  That is a cool trick and it is working.  He does other thoughtful things for her too.  He has two soccer balls, white and green.  He claimed the green one as his own "Eh-no ball."  But he also has declared the white one as "Baby Ana ball." No one asked him to.  In fact, he is the one that plays with both of them nearly all of the time but the White one is Ana's and that's what he calls it. 

(Playing with his new soccer net.)

There are a lot of toys for them to play with, especially after Christmas.  I have never enjoyed other people getting gifts as much as I did this year with my children.  They received some very cool and thoughtful gifts.  A lot! actually.  Our home is a bit over run at the moment in things for kids.  It will take another day to find some room.  Just to give a couple of examples of the many gifts.  My parents made them each a chair from old step stools that they then painted and decorated.  They came out great.  Katrina got them a wooden camel that waddles down a ramp using gravity and a creative design with one moving part.  The kids have played with it so much it's hard to believe.  You don't always need electricity.  TaTa (that's what Enzo calls Tami's mom) and Grandpapi Hun got Enzo a tricycle and he is loving it.  He will need to grow a little more to have full control over it but he is stretching for it and making it work.  He kept going back to it while we were opening presents on Christmas day and we had to coax him back to help open other presents.  Cousin Vincent made Enzo his own soccer goal out of parts from the hardware store.  Neat!  It came out really nice and is painted in Enzo's favorite A's colors of yellow and green.  We have spent a lot of time playing with that and it has only been two days.  And there were countless more gifts like the stuffed animals that Johnna made for the kids and the wooden and used toys, books, and clothes that friends and family got for them and much more.  Just so much.  And there was time and people at three houses with three Christmas trees; with my family at my mom's for Christmas eve, just us at our house Christmas morning, and with Tami's family Christmas evening.  Lots of time lately to visit with friends and family.  We got to spend time with my Grandma, cousins, parents, friends, and each other.

(With Tata at Aunti Tia's house.)

The first couple of days of this two week break I was wondering how I could go without leaving home for work to be productive.  What would I do with all of this time now that I actually had the time I was asking for?  Now, a little over a week in,  I remember it is not hard at all to fill up the day.  Time to play, cook, clean up, visit, and play some more.

(Cruising on his new tricycle.)

A great holiday time.  There is more to come.  This coming weekend is Enzo's second birthday.

The Big Decision

Two and a half years knowing I have anxiety issues. Less time knowing
about OCD. And it makes sense. I can see the patterns even into my
youth. I always thought about it as everyone having issues to various
degrees. If an undesired quality can exist in a psychology then I
pictured it as a quality that everyone has to a certain degree as with
desirable qualities. I just hadn't thought of myself as diagnosable.
It's been worse lately. My average anxiety and the number of times
intrusive thoughts come in has increased in the last months. It
doesn't stop me from having good experiences but it does take away
hours of my day. OCD does not provide positive intrusive thoughts.
I have said no to medication several times and both the psychologist
and psychiatrist were ok with that as I was very successful with
cognitive therapy alone for panic attacks and the hope was that I
would continue as well with OCD. It's not happening. I've been wearing
down. I contacted the psychiatrist and said that I am ready to try
medication. We will be talking this week about treatment options. It's
not been easy for me. I worry about addiction though the medication is
not addicting. I worry about becoming dependent on it though I'm not
sure why that would matter. I judge myself negatively for not being
able to do this on my own and I'm not sure how to make myself leave me
alone on that one. I don't judge others the help they receive in life
and am happy to help others. I even love it when I receive help so
long as I believe I could have done it on my own. For some reason I
have created a double standard for myself. This applies to everything
from help with a vehicle to help with hanging Christmas lights to help
with dishes and definitely with medication.

I'm worn out fighting to cope with my conditions lately.
When I was younger I decided that I will only live this once so it
would be desirable to experience as much as possible and to live as
many life styles as possible in my time. I thought of this when it
came to taking jobs and when it came to adventures in general. I
remember when cigarettes and alcohol became the things to experiment
with in my friend group. I was there. There was the time when cigars
and pipes became the drug to try. I tried. I remember when marijuana
was the thing to try and I tried. I remember when other drugs became
the focus of experiment and I stayed sober or had a drink instead. I
was a little jealous of my friends who tried while I stayed on the
sidelines. Sure, drugs can take over a life but for many many people
they do not. My friends will probably be just fine though some have
experimented with ecstasy, shrooms, acid, and more. It's a part of the
life experience that I will not likely ever experience as it makes me
too nervous to think of my body on those drugs. I have come to terms
with the fact that even with only one life to live, a glorious
opportunity, I need not have every experience. I can be happy to know
that there are many humans out there and be satisfied to know that a
huge range of experiences are being had by the collective humanity. I
don't need to live them all myself.

And then there is my fear of medication for OCD. Well, I tell myself,
here is your chance to experience a class of drugs that are
experienced by many. This is just another life experience while I
live. I can better understand a human experience that I otherwise did
not think that I would ever experience. And so, I am ready to try. I
am ready to try a medication, to accept a help for something I am
having trouble with; something I do not seem to be able to handle by
myself.

I don't know the particulars yet but it sounds like the prescription
will be for Zoloft. From what I have read there is a very high success
rate with using it in conjunction with cognitive therapy for OCD and
then phasing the drug out after about a year. Perhaps my experience
will be as such. Maybe it will be convoluted and messy. I'm going to
try and not worry about it too much.

I'm a little stressed. And a little more hopeful. I would love a
single month reprieve, a month of clarity, a month of eating without
images and thoughts of suffocation, a month where wondering thoughts
are not gruesome, a month where breathing is not strained, a month
where variations in heart rhythm does not cause an adrenaline rush, a
month where watching my children eat does not cause my muscles to
tense, a month where freedom from one fixation does not cause a new
fixation, a month of relaxation. I would be happy with that month. I
would be so appreciative of that month. I'll take a year of much more
work towards a life more neutral than my thoughts provide. But oh, how
I would appreciate such a month. In the mean time, it can't get much
worse. And when I can be aware of the moment, I have so much to
appreciate.

Best 5:30 am Wake Up Ever

This morning I awoke at 5:30ish am.  It was the best.  I was laying on my right side and my right arm was tired so it was time to roll over.  Something in my consciousness woke me up first, saying "check out the situation before you move."  Good thing.  My son was also laying on his right side, cuddled up right next to me, his left arm wrapped over my face like it was a child's teddy bear.  My children don't have any stuffed animals they sleep with.  But my son found my head.  The extra fun to this was that his hand came over to my cheek and in his sleep he was playing with my beard!  He would play with it for seconds and then stop, and then play with it again.  I am so glad I started growing it back.  November was the first full month in at least ten or more years that I went an entire month clean shaven.  Back to the memory.  It was awesome.  It was so cute.  I got to feel the love of the Velveteen Rabbit.  And now I will be real for always.

I lay there refusing to move, letting my right arm tire and enjoying the closeness with my son.  I wish I could properly explain how awesome it felt to have him snuggled in and just sort of scratching my beard moving from my chin to my cheek.  Then, my daughter just flopped closer to me, on her back, sleeping face inches from mine and facing me, and rested her left arm on my left arm in front of my face.  Awesome!  I was simultaneously loving the moment and trying to figure how I could wake up Tami and convince her to go get a camera without waking the children while explaining the whole situation to her at 5:30ish am (I wasn't able to see the clock at this point) in a quiet enough voice.  I wanted to record this forever.  So, I took it all in.  I let Tami sleep.  I loved it all.  Eventually Enzo fell deeper asleep and left his hand resting on my beard.  Ana left her arm on mine.  I was in my own little heaven.  Then I knew it was time to move and gently freed myself without disturbing any of my family.  When I looked around to figure how to reinsert myself without being on my right arm, I realized what limited bed real estate was available and decided not to wake or move anyone.  I saw the time and new I had 30 minutes until my alarm so I got up and rested on the couch instead, cuddled up under a blanket that smelled faintly like dog despite the fact that Monte is not supposed to sleep on the couch, and basked in the memory of awesomeness.  What a morning.  I can still feel the contact and my love for Ana and Enzo.

Here are some recent pictures.

 (Santa picture.)

 (Christmas tree hunting.  Ana and her grandma.)

(Looking for two perfect trees.)

 (Cutting down his tree.)

(Walking in the Santa Cruz mountains.)

(Getting ready for the tree.)

 (Making Sunday breakfast.)

 (Being adorable.)

(Story time at Sunday breakfast.)

(Another story time at Sunday breakfast.)

(Our living room looks a little like a one room school house; super cool.)

(Don and some of the kids.)

(Game time.)

7 Months Old

Ana is seven. She got a present and now gets to cruise with her
brother. Happy birthday my beautiful daughter.

Sunday Breakfast

(George and Enzo went for a ride.)

Good Sunday.  Family, friends and food.  Among the good friends who visited today was George who I believe had a good time playing.  I know Enzo and Ana enjoyed the company.

(Ana went for a ride, too.)

Last night, after I went for a ride and Tami and the kids had gone to a birthday party and a visit to Maelanie and Satiago's house, we went to downtown Sunnyvale to see the tree lighting and to enjoy the festivities.  Santa was dropped off by the local fire department and we listened to carolers and music.

(At dinner after the tree lighting.)

(Eating avocado.)

(Dancing on Murphy Street after dinner.)