A Day in Santa Cruz

(Is this kid cute, or what?  Enzo smiling in Santa Cruz.)

I woke up this morning feeling a bit "antsy"... a lot antsy, really.  I get this feeling often enough, usually to a lesser degree, and it indicates some approaching change I will feel compelled to make.  The change is sometimes big (move to a new state) and sometimes small (find a new coffee shop to read at) depending on what it takes to satisfy the psychological itch.  Manifestations of this feeling vary and have included break ups, quitting a job, changing hair and/or beard, moving, and various other rockings of that great ship named Stability.  I wonder how it will manifest this time?  I've already shaved my face recently, will the sideburns go?  I have no intention or desire to break up my relationship.  Moving could work but not this year.  So, as far as the big ship-shakers there is a job and a pony tail that could get cut loose.  Maybe the need for change is not so great as all that this time.  Perhaps I can sate the antsyness by finding a new route to and from work or by painting my bicycle a bright color or learning something new.  Still, the job and the hair seemed on the line going into my day.

Greg had invited us to join him at his cousin's new cafe in Santa Cruz called the Windmill Cafe next to Twin Lakes Beach.  It's not difficult to convince me to go to Santa Cruz anyway but with the weather of a day like this and the inherent obligation of exposing my son to the magic of the world that only exists near that narrow band of our planet we call the shore, Tami and I decided to take Greg up on that invitation and head to the coast.  The cafe was excellent and Greg's cousin Mary was super sweet.  There are people that just exude goodness and she is one of those people.  Sitting in the sunshine with my friend, wife, son, Mexican hot chocolate, magical coastal air, and easy conversation, I forgot my antsyness of the morning.  Like all good Sunday's in Santa Cruz, our intended short visit turned into an all day event that, in this case, ended with dinner at an Italian restaurant on Soquel.  Enzo, I believe, had a good time in Santa Cruz.

After such a good day, driving home full of delicious artichoke ravioli goodness, I started to think about my antsyness from the morning.  By this point the Randy on a hammock in the back of my mind was considering and weighing the possibilities of a new career entirely, spiked hair, transferring to a downtown school, green hair, an administrator position, shaving off all of my hair, a new school district, and the hair of the guy that hosts "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" on the Food Network.  My mind eventually worked it's way to what I think is the bigger question; not how this desire for change would manifest, but why was I feeling this way in the first place.  What was my motivation?  Before what force of my psyche was my mind marching?

Was it out of the healthy motivation and powerfulness of life inspired by the approaching Spring? I am about to graduate after two years in a Master's program.  I am full of new confidence and knowledge.  I have been watching my effectiveness as a teacher and agent of positive change develop.  My aspirations to make a difference in my field have grown as well and there is arguably more that can be done at other school sites and in other capacities than in my current location and position.  Could this desire to do more drive me?

Was it out of fear that I wished to retreat?  I do sometimes have to fight those horrible worst-case-fathomable thoughts running through my mind.  I wonder if some of them have gotten to me.  They make the world seem like a giant wheel of torture and precariousness.  Am I beginning to fear threats to the balance of my life, holding on too tight as they say?  When scared of an enemy, real or imagined, running in any direction can feel the only substitute for hiding in a safe cave that doesn't exist.  Could this desire to be safe propel me?

Was it out of a healthy desire to keep life fresh and to avoid a rut?  I haven't had short hair in a couple of years.  I've been teaching similar students similar material with similar colleagues at this particular school four years and in this district for seven.  Could a desire to keep fresh pull me?

Was it my shaken confidence in the classroom last week?  I did, this last week, face a situation with a student where I felt helpless to make a positive difference.  For all of my experience and training, I simply felt like crap that I was having such a horrible time helping a particular student, a student who needs the attention and help more than so many others.  With a focus on equity, it was difficult to recognize and accept the limitations of my personal skill to overcome a circumstance I do not control.  It was worse recognizing that in my effort I was making matters worse.  Did this shake me, make me vulnerable where I want so much to succeed?  Undoubtedly, yes.  Could this realization of limits chase me?

I can't say for sure.  Do I want change out of strength or out of vulnerability?

Does it really matter?

I would like to know.  And then, I've always assumed goodness when I make dramatic changes and life has been an interesting adventure because of it.  I don't know if spending the day in Santa Cruz, acknowledging the antsyness,  or analyzing my thoughts on the drive home made the  difference, but by the time we got home I did not sense so much of the antsyness left in me.  When I saw myself in the mirror my hair looked just fine as it was.  I don't know what will happen with work but I didn't feel the need to start searching online for career options.  Maybe I just exercised the energy right out of my mind today.  Maybe it's still there and the Randy on the hammock in my mind became confident that, whatever the change coming is, all is well.  Maybe he decided to relax and let the winds of change massage his resting eye lids.  Maybe the only change he sought was a change in focus and perspective like one finds near that magical band of Earth where ocean and land come together.

Me and my Mustache

My mustache and I went out for a beer today.  I'm not a mustache person in general, not for my own face anyway.  I am a huge fan of hair and facial hair for the masses, though.  Hair is cool.  It's modified skin cells, did you know that? Yep.  When you modify skin cells you get hair.  When you modify scale cells you get feathers.  Hair is people plumage.  I like that.  Ordinary skin cells get old, flake off and become dust.  But hair, oh wonderful mamal plumage... it becomes a canvas of expression, an indicator of sleepiness, a tool of the personality.  I think more poems should be about hair.  And a man's face is like an etch-a-sketch of hairy fun potential.

As I said, I don't usually keep mustaches and I don't usually keep gaotee's either.  My wife likes me in a goatee so I occasionally wear one for her and will sometimes keep it for a day or two.  Otherwise, mustaches and goatees rarely make it out of the house though I do make them often enough transitioning from beard face to skin face.  This I do a lot as my favorite facial hair status on me is to be growing a beard rather than to be having or not having a beard.  A constant state of growing means shaving once in a while and that's where strange two and three legged mustaches happen or beards that look like anvils.  Good times.

This last four weeks, however, I did the unusuall. I kept a goatee for a whole month.  Perhaps it was my subconcious gratitude to my wife for growing and nurturing our beautiful son.  Still, all good things come to an end, and to continue with the cliches, an end is a beginning.  Tami wasn't too happy when she saw me in the morning, but today was the birth of this glorious mustache.  Yay! I'm not sure how long it will be there, resting casually on my lip like a 70's sunbather glistening by the pool, so I took it out for a beer.  A mustache like this just needs to get out in public for a bit and be seen.  And, it wanted a beer.  Guinness and a mustache, very nice.

Good Morning

(On our way to the Farmer's Market)

It's a good morning. I had gone back to work for two weeks before having a holiday week off. Today is back to work again. After changing my son's diaper and then getting ready myself while he ate with.. of? from? off of?....his mom... while he breast fed, Tami offered to make my lunch so that I could hold Enzo some more before work. She is very sweet.

(Enzo checking out the fish)

Enzo is super cuddly to hold. Growing quite a bit as well. Several clothes are now in the "Don't Fit Anymore" pile. One of my favorite things to do when holding him is to kiss his neck. Super soft. Of course, we chat and look around at the world. This last week for example, Enzo did quite a bit of looking around. Tami worked as a staff development presenter early in the week and that meant that Enzo and I got our first time alone together. For two days he and I would drive off and go walking around for an adventure and then come back for him to eat with his mom every couple of hours when he started looking hungry. That's one thing I can not do for him is breast feed. But, I can take him for walks and show him the Santa Teresa foot hills, downtown Campbell, and downtown Los Gatos. And that's what we did. The rest of the week was eventful as well. Tami, Enzo and I went for our first trip to the rebuilt Academy of Sciences museums in San Francisco. I think he liked the fish. And wow, there were some interesting fish. Beautiful in their own way but not at all in a "wow, I'm hungry and that sure looks like food" kind of way. I told this to Tami and then we started thinking about it and decided that, other than fruit and vegetables, food sure does not look appealing as food in nature. This, I think, is especially true of certain fish, but also true of a cow. A cow just does not make me hungry. Not even when I did eat meat. I'm sure a lion thinks differently. A lion must certainly salivate when it sees a zebra but I don't. I've been to the zoo and nothing I saw looked like a menu item. I have seen wild berries and apples on trees and thought, "that looks good," while I picked and ate them.

(Tami and Enzo in Golden Gate Park)

Yesterday we went to the Computer History Museum with my sister who was staying with us. The exhibit was extremely small as they are still preparing for larger exhibits to open after summer. We will certainly go back then. What they did have was interesting and included the first computer mouse integrated into a widow user interface made by Xerox at their PARC facility in Palo Alto, early disk drives invented by IBM in San Jose, and one of the first Apple computers, the Apple I, built in Sunnyvale. It's amazing how much of the world's digital technology came together within a few miles of my house. Even Google, Yahoo, Ebay, ethernet cables, internet technology, the microprocessor, and so much more, were born within a small radius of home. I wonder what new technology is being thought of right now within these few miles.

About this morning....

I held Enzo, while Tami made my lunch, long enough that he fell asleep in my arms. How much is that worth in dollars?

It takes so little to make a child comfortable and I was able to provide all of it (except his food) for my son before I left for work in the morning. That is a good morning. Looking down at him cuddled against my arm and chest, eyes closed and breathing calmly, arm nestled up towards his face, legs on my arm.... that's the happy image I carry with me today, that is my reward for having a few extra minutes in the morning to appreciate my son.

One Month Old

(Monte at Seabright Beach)

Yes, Enzo is now one month old. He is beautiful and I miss him already. Why do I miss him? Because tomorrow I go back to work and I won't be able to look at or pick up Enzo when ever I feel like it. I am SO glad that I took a month off from work to be with my son and I wish there were some way to take him and have him with me while I work.

(View from the bed & breakfast)

In preparation for this, Tami had the brilliant idea of Enzo, Tami, myself, and Monte going to Capitola and staying overnight. Tami knew that I had been anxiously awaiting the day when I could take Enzo to the beach and she thought this would be a great way to spend some family time together before I start work again. She is very smart. We had an excellent time surrounded by a beautiful world. We just hung out at a bed & breakfast on the Capitola cliff with an ocean view and ocean sounds. The next day we went to Seabright beach. It was pretty cold so Enzo stayed bundled up this time. We will certainly go back to play at the beach when it warms up.

(Enzo goes to Santa Cruz)

Enzo turned one month old on Saturday and had a little party with his grandparents and tia's. That turned out to be a great time, and as has happened before when family comes to visit Enzo, Tami and I fell asleep on the couch before the party was over. We needed the sleep and I'm sure the family was happy to have Enzo to themselves. While we were awake we had a great time with family and good food.

(Enzo and Grandpa Hun)

The main thoughts I have right now are 1) I know it's time to go back to work but I will very much miss my son being so close to me, 2) Spending so much time with Tami and Enzo has been fantastic, 3) Wow, I have plenty to do tomorrow as I get back in the swing of things at work, 4) I sure am lucky.

(Waking up in Capitola)

Really, I like my job and there are plenty of days off to be with family when working at a school. It's just going to be different.

Bottom line, I'm psychologically preparing for another change. I'm grieving for the past that will not come back and preparing for the new days ahead. I know they will be good. No matter how good tomorrow is, it takes a bit of acceptance to let go of an excellent today. Tami has mentioned that Enzo is looking less and less like a new born and more like a little boy. With one hand, time gives new experiences, and with the other takes away the now. I've got some pictures, some memories, and some good feelings as my souvenirs. And, I've got these new experiences time keeps handing me.

College

(Adorable!)

We spent Sunday with friends Melanie and Santiago. We walked to the farmers market then hung out and watched the football playoffs. Obviously the playoffs were not my idea. My biggest claim to sports fan-ship is that sometimes I can't find a clean hoodie and I take Tami's A's hoodie when I go out for a walk. She is a life long A's baseball fan and season ticket holder and is already planning the days when she will take Enzo to the games. Me, I've been to a few with her. I forget which movie it was from but there was a scene where the girl calls the guy on something he had said to her and he replies "Aw, baby! That was just pillow talk!" Sometimes you do things just to get the girl. I don't go to games any more, not often anyway. On the other hand, Tami has sworn off going to aircraft museums with me since our engagement (at least I waited until marriage to stop going to the A's games!). She still goes to art museums with me and that's something certain friends will never again do after a first experience. Apparently I take a while. Matt, at least we got the motorcycle ride to and from San Francisco.

The conversation with Melanie and Santiago hit on several interesting parenting points. We talked about supporting children when they wanted to do things that were "weird" and allowing or disallowing haircuts like mullets, pony tails and mohawks. For the record, I'm for everything the kid wants to do if he's experimenting in a healthy way. Especially with hair, it's a personal tapestry to be played with and grows back. We also talked about supporting children in college and this is something I have been thinking about for days. Santiago proposed that children should support themselves as adults. Tami suggested that children, supported by parents, should still finance their own way through college. Melanie and I agreed that it is the parents responsibility to cover college costs if needed and if possible.

We talked a bit about this and I am reminded of two friends, Pat and Sam, who are twins and went to an all boys private high school. Years ago I asked them separately what they thought of the experience. Pat thought it was a great experience, the greatest experiences possible for him at that point in his life. Sam, however, thought it was a horrible torture to separate boys form girls unnecessarily and would never do the same injustice to a child of his. And I think, we experience good or bad from the same circumstances. Then, we go on to make decisions for others based on our experiences not possibly knowing what is best for another who is not exactly like us in exactly the same situation. Tami financed her own college experience and supports the idea. Santiago became responsible for himself early by necessity and supports the idea. Melanie and I went back to our parents at a point and were given financial, and other, support without strings attached and we now support that idea. All four of us today are successful, college educated professionals and our various paths have worked out well for each of us. Were we all different and just lucky enough to have found exactly the support that we individually needed in life? Or, are we all the same and only feel that our story exemplifies a good path because it worked for us when any of the paths would have worked for each of us?

Well, in case we will need it, Tami and I have begun saving. It started with cousins Jenny and Anthony giving Enzo $100. Other gifts have him up to $190 now so we started his college fund. We calculated that we can currently contribute $20 each month to this savings and stock fund. At the moment, Enzo has two shares of Berkshire Hathaway class B stock and some cash. I quickly realized that at the rate of $20 per month, after 18 years and assuming that we manage his investments well enough to at least match inflation, Enzo will be able to go to 1 semester of college at a local state university. One semester! At this rate Enzo will get a little of all of our philosophies on funding a child's college education. There are 8 semesters in an efficient college experience like Tami enjoyed, quite a few more in the meandering 7 year experience that I enjoyed and that does not count the graduate school work we both have enjoyed. We're both the better for what we have seen but the point here is that we will need to put away $160 per month to be sure we've got four years at the state university covered. Of course, he may take the money to invest in a business or it may only equal a part of one semester's tuition at a certain private college. Who knows?

I do know that math, for all it's certainty, provides an awful lot of variables when applied to life. In the mean time, Tami and I will make sure there are at least $20 each month waiting to grow and waiting to support Enzo in his endeavors.

First Bath

Today Enzo had his first bath. Everything he does is adorable from hiccup to stare at me. So, you can be sure he accomplished his first bath with as much skill in possessing and infusing adorableness into the event. Sure, he's had a few sponge baths to warm up with, but he was still a rookie bath taker though you wouldn't have known it by watching him. He handled himself like a pro.

It's fun noticing how many "firsts" there are with a newborn. If I were to post them all there would be no time to post anything else. The cool thing about firsts is that they make it easier for a person to notice how neat life is. For me, staring at Enzo and playing with him is an awesome experience because it's inherently awesome. Some day, will I just take him for granted? He'll still be inherently awesome. But, no doubt, I will some days take my son for granted some of the time. Except, perhaps, when there is a first like a graduation, wedding, car, and so on. Life is always a fascinating treasure but we humans are just not wired to be excited every waking hour. We need our down time to recover, neural pathways and hormone levels need time to reset so our body will enjoy the next awareness of awesomeness in our lives. The thing is that it's easy, once you've been around the block a few times, to spend most of the time in a state of down time ready, but not actually excited. With firsts, the everyday common event, like a bath, is made special and I appreciate the moment.

The truth is, Enzo is so amazing because he is alive in a fantastic Universe and his every moment is something like a perfect poem of interaction. I know I will overlook so many moments of poetry over the years but during firsts, it's just a little easier to feel the poem run through our bodies. And, if we're lucky, every once in a while throughout our lives something brings the poetry to our attention.

This morning, I watched the rain come down while holding Enzo in my arms. I introduced him to the day and to the rain. Today, Enzo was my something lucky that brought the Universe to my attention. He reminded me to notice what I've seen before as something fantastic.

2 Weeks Old

Today was a big day for the birthday boy. Enzo turned 2 weeks old, earned an unfettered belly button as his umbilical stump fell off in the morning, went in for his 2 week check up, and went on his first outing to celebrate it all.

As for the appointment, Enzo is good and healthy. Our next appointment is at 2 months.

As for the outing, Tami, Enzo, and I went for a walk along the lake at Vasona Park. It was beautiful today. The clouds were out but the temperature was moderate and the geese were everywhere. Enzo was in the sling as we walked our way to a bench where we sat for a while and took in the weather. It was really nice to get out as a family. The last time we did, Enzo was on the inside.

Confessions of a Diaper Changer

But First...

I can't love my son enough. I can't kiss his forehead enough, hold him enough, look at him enough, rub his back enough, let his fingers wrap around one of mine enough, smell him enough. I can't love him enough so I spin inside with the clutch pulled in so that I don't hug him too tight in over enthusiasm. It's a good thing we see each other every day so that I may at least gently hug him often.

Our doulas said that the smell of new babies is the best and they were right. I think about how crazy-fanatic our friend Mitra gets about the smell of puppy breath. She thinks it's the best in the world. When Monte was a puppy, she use to go crazy over his puppy breath every time she came over and saw him. I always thought she was funny about the puppy-breath-smell-thing but now I understand; it's not just amusing, it's an addiction. For me the addictive smell is of Enzo; this sweet comforting smell, like the most perfect laundry detergent smell EVER. A smell that wafts over to my side of the bed sometimes at night and makes me smile. This smell I get when I kiss Enzo's chest or forehead. It's the best and I can not get enough.


Today I got to enjoy a lot of this baby smell. It was a PERFECT morning. The kind of morning that makes any vacation perfectly justifiable, all by itself. First, Enzo, for who knows what reason, slept through the night with only two diaper changes and breast feedings between one a.m. and seven a.m. What? I don't know how, but it happened so that at seven a.m. Tami and I were awake and feeling pretty good. And with this unexpected wakefulness, we were perfectly prepared to truly enjoy going back to bed, which we did. We all laid back down, even Enzo. Then, after the next feeding and diaper change we... went back to bed again. Awwwwwwwesome. Tami scratched my beard under my chin for at least five minutes. I love that. Yes, it's a little like scratching a dog under the jaw. Yes, I understand why dogs like it so much. It's excellent. I tried scratching myself but it doesn't compare. Then, Enzo and I were pretty much lying face to face over Tami and just staring at each other for a long time. I loved that too. Enzo is getting more and more muscle power so it was fun to watch him look at me and repeatedly move his arms as if to touch me. A couple of times he grabbed into my beard and I wondered if he could have been mimicking what he watched when Tami was rubbing my beard. Speaking of mimicking, Enzo is starting to look as though he is mimicking facial expressions. He definitely has some interesting looks that vary from grumpy old man to happy smiling baby. But as of last night, and twice today, it looks like he is mimicking my smile when I have him close and smile at him. It is beautiful weather by coincidence or any other cause. It could be his happiness at seeing me, or learning through mimicry, or gas. Just the same, I love to see that baby smile.

As an extra bonus for the day, I took a motorcycle ride, the first one since Enzo's birth, on the Valkyrie. I just went for a short ride and then to a coffee shop to prepare for a homework assignment. The last semester of my master's degree program begins at the end of January and on the first day of class we are to turn in a ten page paper. Tami said she was okay with me leaving for a while to ride to the coffee shop to start my paper and then to stop by Whole Foods for some groceries. The ride felt so good and refreshing. Just to be on the bike again and take a couple of twisty turns in the Stevens Creek foot hills was beautiful. I actually ended up stopping at the winery where Tami and I had our first date years ago. Then I went to a coffee shop in Cupertino where the latte was excellent. The paper I intended to begin typing did not progress very far, however. I spent all of my time just getting my mind around what I will need to cover in the paper and then going over some of my reference material. I expect it will be two more days of reviewing before I start typing. Anyway, the afternoon was nice but I missed Tami and Enzo.

When I got home, Enzo and I danced to Birima. I love this song. YouTube does not have the version I have but you can click here if you want to get an idea. The song is so happy and there is a part 2/3 of the way in where it just sounds like a celebration. From what I gathered at another site, the song is about a ruler named Birima who was so great that he brought the people of different classes together, spread music, and made everyone happy. The song makes me happy and dancing with Enzo made it even better. This whole dancing in the kitchen episode was after changing a diaper which brings me to the original inspiration for this post.

The Confession...

I have to admit that there are times when I imagine it's time to change Enzo's diaper and I think... "Now? Maybe just a couple more minutes?" It's sad. I want to stall. I don't want my son to sit in his poop and pee but sometimes, so tired, it is difficult to get up. I do get up and change his diaper, but I feel bad about the little stall that some times takes place while I have the conversation in my head that goes something like:
"-Dude! You can not just leave your son in a dirty diaper!
-I know! But maybe just a minute more?
-You mean like the minute you have been stalling and having this discussion with yourself in your head? How about that minute? Was that enough of a minute already? Are you comfortable thinking this over in your nice dry boxers?
-Okay, okay, you are right, I am getting up.
-Damn right I'm right."

Son, if you are reading this years after the fact, I am sorry. I admit, you spent a few more minutes in your wet diaper then was absolutely necessary. But only long enough for me to shame myself into getting up and to be awake enough to walk straight and get a new diaper. Sorry. I console myself with the assumption that most parents must have tangled with this issue at some point. It does seem kind of forgivable in light of the fact that I often become aware of your wet diaper before you are actually done using it. That's right son, it's not as uncommon as I would have imagined that just after your diaper comes off you decide to let out a little more. Sometimes we can hear you toot/poop and I tell Tami, "I'll change Enzo, just give him a few more seconds to get it all out." She sometimes let's me get away with this for a total of 3 more toots maximum. Then I get the "Babe! That's four already, he's done! Get up!" So, your mom keeps me in check when it's my turn to change you. The funniest ones, and they just make me laugh so much that I can never get even a little bit frustrated at these, are when I just get your new diaper on and hold you up only to hear the sound that means "let's change another diaper, dad." The record was set yesterday at a wet diaper to change, two separate pees between diapers (meaning I changed the mat under you twice before a new diaper even got back on to your cute butt) and then a poop as I just finished clasping your new diaper around you. Oh, you are a funny one. And a considerate one as you played this trick on me in the day time when I was in the best mood to enjoy the laugh, thank you for that. Also son, if you are in fact reading this, go tell your mom you love her right now. She is working her butt off to keep you fed and happy as I type this in your youthful past and she loves you a whole lot. Then go give me a kiss on the cheek because I love you and because I said so.

By the way, your mom just told me to check your diaper, mother's intuition I guess, as I finished the above. It was wet. Guess what you did in your fresh clean diaper while I was buttoning up the last button on your sleeper? Yep. You think you're so funny don't you? Good comedic timing with this blog post. Well, played my son. Well played.

A Little Perspective

I like to think of everyone's "truth", everyone's understanding of how the Universe works, as just one of many valid perspectives. Including my own. I also like to play with perspectives, look for alternate perspectives, and actively choose my perspectives for given situations.

There are a whole lot of ways to look at the world. Life will continue and time will pass whether one views life as: a game, unfair, hard then you die, a glorious opportunity, a gift from god, a fortunate coincidence, etc. Some perspectives, however, are more helpful than others. Some make life more interesting and more fulfilling. Without any preparation at all, I could assume any of those examples of large scale perspectives about life (a game, unfair, hard then you die, a glorious opportunity, a gift from god, a fortunate coincidence, etc.) and list numerous pieces of supporting evidence from my life in just the last week. That's right, even in all my happiness with my son I could for example, if I choose to, make a strong case for how life is hard and then you die based on real and personal experiences just from the last week. And you know, I could convince myself of the truth of many of these and other valid perspectives. The quality of my life, however, would be so different depending on which perspective I utilized.

One situational perspective that I like to use when driving on the freeway in rush hour traffic is this. My goal is not to get to my destination quickly on the freeway (causing others to become frustrating obstacles). The goal of all of us on the freeway is to see that all of us get to our destination safely, efficiently, and with little stress. Then, I let people merge into my lane, I smile, I thank people for letting me in, and the world is a better place. When these people get to work and I go in to buy a coffee or call to make an appointment, these people are nice and feeling good because someone let them merge on the freeway and no one flipped them off on the way to work. It's a useful perspective and the drive is far less stressful.

Like the above example, I try to choose good perspectives for situations and also to respect the perspectives used by others to navigate through life. This use to be very difficult for me. I would go crazy when my core beliefs were challenged, when a contradictory idea showed merit, when the reality of the world seemed to shift and to make me sea sick. I took my perspectives to be truth and I held on tight. So many impassioned arguments and discussions, frustrations, and quests for understanding were the result. How many books I read looking for the answers. How many song lyrics I attempted to squeeze wisdom from. How many contemplative hours I spent attempting to reconcile seemingly opposing concepts that seemed justifiable. Now, I take my truth to be but one perspective.

A couple of days ago I was looking at this beautiful son of mine lying on my chest awake. This little guy, nine days old today, less than two feet tall, will grow to be a toddler, a young man, a man. Will I have enough time to love every evolving incarnation of him? Will I be able to show it and will he know it?

Looking at my son I thought, this little guy will grow to re-"discover" for the first time, all over again, everything about being alive as a human. He will experience the newness of all that has already been done billions of times over on Earth. He will kiss, have a good grade, a bad grade, be embarrassed, be proud, feel the joy in a memory that comes back with a smell, find fear, find confidence, have sex, smile at the sky... Simply put, he will live life new... though it is older than memory.

Is it futile? Is it a waste of time and energy doing all this that has all been done already? With my son so very real in front of me I say NO. It is not futile, it is excellent that he should discover everything that has already been discovered, that he will live, with newness, the oldest human experiences of life. I know he won't get all of the experiences. Every human experience has a probability of occurring for each individual, some experiences are more likely than others. My son will very likely experience simple joy, a first kiss, doubt, success, almost falling back on a chair but catching himself before he falls. I want him to know these and others. He may also, but is not very likely to, experience: a betrayal so shocking he would murder, the life of the richest 5% of his contemporaries, homelessness, having quintuplets, rescuing a stranger's life.

I have been playing with all of these thoughts and admiring my son over the last couple of days. Then, for the sake of musing, I asked myself, "What if Life is the main entity and not the person alive?" And from this question I dreamed up this interesting perspective:

Humans exist to support life. Life is not there for humans. Life itself is the evolving entity. By maintaining a variety of living creatures in diverse circumstances experiencing the Universe, the essence of Life itself continues to "live well." With this perspective, we are servants to life and not the other way around. Life owes us nothing but asks us to live and to experience as richly as possible so that the essence of Life may thrive through every conceivable manifestation and repetition. It "knows" it is not possible for every individual to live every human experience so it allows great variety amongst us to live the full range of experiences from rich to poor, tall to short, hairy to bald, brilliant to dull, etc. so that as a species, human life is totally experienced. It "knows" that life is in the newness, the discovery, the mastery, and in the moving on so it allows us to die so that new generations may do it all over and make the mundane belabored story of life into something new again. Life does this for every living species, humans, giraffes, flowers...

Using this perspective my son will revitalize Life through it's newness to him. My job as his father will be to teach and prepare him to appreciate and to enjoy life's experiences and the opportunities available to him. That is my job because it enriches the essence of Life, because it is a pleasure to both my son and to myself, and because I am a servant to Life. Every day, how shall I fully experience life? Every day, how shall I prepare my son to enjoy all of his experience?

That's one alternate perspective I have enjoyed contemplating these recent days while admiring my son, an experience that is still very new to me. If I had to classify it, I would say it's one of the beneficial perspectives, of the type that would lead to a life well lived.

Musicals and The Legend of Enzo's Name

On Musicals:
I'm not a big fan of musicals. To get into a movie or a play one really has to either be impressed with the art or one has to be able to suspend disbelief. And, I just find it difficult to suspend disbelief when people are singing about everything all of the time. Sure, I have fond memories of The Sound of Music and Fiddler on the Roof because of my grandma, so those ones are okay. And, I have to admit, the movie Chicago was pretty entertaining and Grease is okay, especially the last song. So, I'm not supporting my original statement very well here, am I? Still, I'll say it again, I just don't care for musicals. But I do like to sing once in a while. Who hasn't done a "pee-pee dance" when the bathroom was occupied? And, who hasn't once in a while made up lyrics and a song to go along with the "pee-pee dance?" When I rode my first motorcycle home, April 25th, 1998, I was so happy that I sang at full volume inside my helmet the whole way home making up the words and tune as I went along with a smile so big it surely must have been busting out of my helmet. So, life can be a little like a musical sometimes. And that's my point here. Having Enzo just makes it easier to break into song. Everything kind of has a rhythm to it so, for just one of many examples, today when I wanted to check his diaper I spontaneously ended up singing a new Randy original that began with:
"Pee-pee son?, pee-pee son?,
Who has pee-pee on his bum?
Pee-pee diaper, pee-pee diaper,
Who would like a clean one?"
You know, it's about as silly as half the numbers in a musical but at least I can now explain to myself that the writers of musicals probably have children and my world makes a little more sense to me. I'm still not sure why people were impressed with the Miss Saigon musical but then I saw it long before I had a child.


On The Legend of Enzo's name:
We all, I believe, like to attach meaning to aspects of life. Tami and I certainly did want meaning attached to Enzo's name. We started months ago with a web site link that let friends, family, and whomever submit names for the "Name The Kid Contest." The prize for the winners of the "Contest" is the honor and coolness of knowing that they named another human. When the list reached about 120 names we narrowed it down to 20. Over the next few weeks names were added and deleted and I would estimate approximately 150 names were proposed. Tami and I would consider the comments people entered with the names they proposed and we would do internet searches to look for meaning in the names and we would consider how we liked the names in general for our son. As we got closer to the big day, we were definitely talking more and more about certain names than others so I would say there were about seven names in the strong running by Christmas.

One of the names we liked was Lorenzo. As I mentioned, we were looking for meaning and of course, words mean different things for different people. Lorenzo, to us, meant a great accomplishment. Our son was sure to be our great accomplishment and the name fit. We also liked the 'z' in there. Lorenzo is Spanish for Laurence which traces back to the laurel plant which is a symbol of accomplishment. It was what the ancient Olympic winners wore on their head, wreaths of laurel. I mentioned to Tami that if we chose that name, he could go by Enzo which sounds super cool. And Tami said, "Or, we could just name him Enzo." Well, that makes sense. Honestly, I'm kind of tired of clarifying that I go by Randy though my name is Randolph. Why not skip all that with our son and go straight to the name he will go by? Ever since then, Enzo was in the running though we never got around to adding it to our web list of potential names that friends and family were checking in on.

Another name we liked is Raines. It was added to our "Name The Kid Contest" list by Laurie who you see holding our beautiful boy in the picture. She liked the name from Memphis Raines, a character in the movie Gone in 60 Seconds. The name does sound cool.

One day I was walking downtown when I came across friends on the patio of the local pub and we started talking about the name search. I told them there were still about 20 names on the list plus one I hadn't gotten around to typing but that I liked: Enzo. They asked what the other names were so I started reading them off from my phone. One of them, I'm not sure which, heard them and said "Enzo Raines!" That started it. All four of them, Matt, Mitra, Nathan C. and Ona, started talking about how cool Enzo Raines was for what I recall as a non-stop 20 minute discussion. Much praise was heaped on the name. At one point Matt said something to the effect of "Enzo Raines is so cool, that needs to be his name" when, with the timing of a Hollywood movie, we heard a very nice motor sound, turned to the street, and there was a Ferrari to punctuate his statement. If you didn't know, Enzo Ferrari is THE Ferrari of exotic car fame, the man that created the cars and the Ferrari company. Well, that was as definitive of a sign as Matt and Nathan needed. I promised to mention the name combo to Tami when I got home.

Days later, several great names were still in the running, Tami decided we were close enough and we would wait to meet The Kid in person to learn what his actual name is. Labor began Saturday night (actually at 1 a.m. on Sunday morning) with multiple contractions per hour. There went sleep. That night and for the next three days and three nights we stayed awake on very little rest while Tami had these contractions, waiting for them to build to the point where we could go in and deliver our son. So, we went for a walk each day. The sky started out dry each time but during the walk we would be pleasantly rained on and it was a good experience. Tami commented once on how the rain was cleansing and preparing us for our new experience as parents. After four nights and three days of labor contractions, and three days of walks in the rain, Raines become the front runner for our son's middle name. We liked it. I love water, I love the idea that one of our son's names is something real and tangible in nature, we liked the sound, and we liked the fact that our sons name said something about his way of coming out into the world. On the fourth night since contractions began, walking home in the rain for the third time, it was time to go deliver our baby. By this point, we knew our son's middle name. And that narrowed down the list of first names to create name combinations that we liked.

When our son was born, 15 hours of laboring in the hospital later (we showed up at 9 pm on Tuesday and Enzo emerged at 12:03 pm on Wednesday) I asked him his name. I said several of the names to him over and over from the list that Tami and I were still considering and I watched his expressions. He liked Enzo. Tami and I and friends and family provided the name options, as parents we guided the selection, nature and our son's emerging experience chose his middle name, and our son, through facial expressions at the sounds, chose his first name. And that's how we, Tami and I, give meaning to our son's name. That's our legend of the name Enzo Raines. In my own words his name translates as: Our great accomplishment, born of water.

Like any cool tattoo, and a name is a bit like a tattoo, we can define and refine the meaning for it over time while in everyday life, it's just cool for what it is.

So, the winners for the "Name The Kid Contest" are:
Tami and Randy for the Enzo suggestion
Laurie for the Raines suggestion
Matt, Mitra, Ona, and Nathan C. for the name combo suggestion
Nature and Enzo for the final selection and giving meaning to the names.

And now, Tami and I have Our Great Accomplishment, Born of Water.

The Village

We are so lucky to have our friends and family. We have only been home two days and Tami's parents have brought food, cousin Joanna brought food, and my parents brought food. My parents and sister also held Enzo for a bit today so that both Tami and I could take a much needed nap and then helped take down our Christmas decorations and clean up around the house. Our dishes were done when we first got home with Enzo and I assume Matt and Mitra had something to do with that. Also, friends are bringing food tomorrow. These are just a few examples, not to mention all of the countless kindnesses I have been too distracted to notice and all of the good wishes and congratulations coming from all over from friends and family.

And I think, how in the world do you do this on your own? How does the married woman pull this off when her husband simply must be at work? How does the single parent pull this off and pay bills, and keep up the house, and maintain sanity or even take a shower? How does a couple or a single parent do it when they are in a place with no support?

I sit and admire my son and I haven't enough fingers or toes on our arms and legs combined to count all of our blessings. We are lucky, we are fortunate. And we are grateful.

I'll Fly Away....

My new all time favorite thing to do in the entire universe!  My son laying on my chest, sleeping with a blanket over him, watching him, loving him.  At one point I started singing "go to sleep little baby..." from the Oh Brother, Where Art Thou movie.  Thanks to modern phones, YouTube was only a click away and we were listening to that and other songs from the soundtrack while he slept on my chest.  I was in heaven with my son's skin on mine and Alison Krauss singing "I'll fly away" on the speaker phone..... heaven.

What a great life I get to experience.

We are heading home in just a few minutes to usher in the New Year as a family together.

He is the most beautiful creature in my world and I am so happy.

Enzo Raines

Enzo Raines is born today, 12/30/09 at 12:03pm (all multiples of 3).  The amount of words I would like to write about this day is matched only by my fatigue.  They will have to wait to be written.  I'll just say that we are very fortunate and that my wife is amazing!  Enzo is healthy and beautiful.  Tami is healthy and beautiful.  What a superb day.

Welcome to the world my son!

Christmas

(Don and Aly got The Kid his first motorcycle, this one in wood.)

Usually we travel around town on Christmas visiting our families. This year we figured the giant kid-filled-belly entitled us to stay home and have family come to us. Pregnancy makes you royalty among those who love you and even among some strangers. Tami is the focus of conversations, her comfort and wishes are constantly looked after, gifts are given to her regularly, when we take long to cross the street and the lights have changed the cars continue to wait patiently and the drivers smile; like she's royalty. And me? Royalty by association, but with a twist. I get special treatment when with Tami, but my own friends will greet me with disappointment and a trace of derision if I show up at a gathering without Tami. Then, the good friends that they are, they try to convince themselves and me that they are happy to see me too. It's funny and makes me smile. I imagine Tami will get a little of this treatment later if she shows up to some places without The Kid.

As I was saying about Christmas, and in keeping with our greater royalty-like social status, we decided to stay home this year and invite family to visit us if they liked and that worked out great. Many of our family came over to visit, chat, bring food, cook, and clean up after. There is a lot to be said for being pregnant over the holidays.

This morning we were able to wake in a clean house though we hosted nearly 15 people throughout yesterday. And, we broke in the new waffle iron! Yum. Home made waffles, coffee for me and soy hot chocolate for Tami. But before the waffle iron was ready, we had left over pie. A delicious way to begin a day. And now for a lazy day, among the last we will share before The Kid arrives.

The "Supposed" Day

As you may notice from the count down labeled "days until The Kid Arrives," today is the due date; all but come and gone, the counter proudly displaying "0". While there are a few hours remaining, it's safe to say that this kid will not share his Aunt, my sister-in-law, Traci's birthday. While I'm at it, Happy Birthday Traci! So what's going on? With the baby- all normal stuff as far as we can tell. We do have another doctor appointment tomorrow morning so perhaps there will be more news then.

Tami and I have been spending a lot of time together and it feels like vacation. Which it is, so I guess that makes sense. In fact, as of last Friday, I don't work again until February as I took January off to be with Tami and The Kid. While we can't go hiking and go on motorcycle rides and trips together as we tend to do in summer, Tami and I thought we might try some games. We've played chess a few times in the past but we've never settled into playing games together to unwind at night. A couple of nights ago we tried Boggle. That was a good time. The coolest part is that when we finally decided to stop playing and tally up the score, we were both even at 85 points. Neat. We also have run many errands together, watched a couple of movies, and generally enjoyed each other's company. We do some things separate. I went on a morning motorcycle ride today while Tami was still sleeping. As I type this, Tami is at yoga. And Sunday I stayed home all day feeling crummy so Tami hung out with her sister.

My anxiety level has been fairly high lately, rising several times each day but never to a full panic attack. Back when I was having panic attacks my digestive system would shut down, belly swell up, and it would take three days before I could comfortably move around again, a few days more for my digestive system to normalize. Well, even without a panic attack, that's what happened Saturday and that's why I spent Sunday at home feeling crummy. It was interesting because I experienced the anxiety symptoms and the abdominal discomfort all without fear of them, so that's a big positive. Still, I knew that I would be lying around for three days until the bloating was down and I was comfortably mobile again. But I was wrong, this time I was up again after only a day and a half. I'm making progress. Since Sunday I've spent several hours reading more about anxiety and panic attacks from the book I have and from numerous websites. Reading and learning helps a lot. I think it is the reading and thinking along new lines that helped me to recover quicker this time. My anxiety level has been spiking so many more times each day now but it doesn't get as high as it use to five months ago. It's gotten a little scary, but I'm lucky to have been around Tami or good friends when it has gotten that bad in the last weeks and they have helped me to vent and keep it manageable. Tami is practically a saint when it comes to helping me get through tough anxiety peaks. I'm curious to see if my anxiety issues change after The Kid is born, specifically as a result of him being born. I wonder if there is a connection there. Either way, I continue to learn, improve my thinking, and become better equipped to handle anxiety. I think I am becoming a better person in the process. I'm even proud of myself for getting this good at managing the anxiety and that's a long way from before when I was berating myself for "having to deal with this issue at all." Hopefully I'm still being supportive enough to Tami's needs as I work on myself. I love her and think that I remind her and show her daily. Today I massaged her feet with lotion. Not just one foot, both feet! Does that count for two days of love and support? Well, as long as she keeps telling me she is happy we are spending so much time together, I think I'm doing all right.

I am excited to meet my son. And I admit that I am nervous about the big day- what ever day that turns out to be. I am nervous, and excited. There is a layer of giddiness under the surface like balloons waiting to be dropped on an expecting crowd. I have no idea what the effect of the celebration will be on me, but it will be a celebration.

Baby not quite ready yet

We went to the doctor's office today and all is well. Unless you ask Tami. The midwife says she thinks The Kid is going to be pretty late, possibly late enough to be a New Year's baby. Late enough that The Kid will not be out for Christmas. Tami is funny about this. Half cute, half frustrated. I reminded Tami that in the beginning of the pregnancy, she thought it would be cool to have a New Year's baby. She reminded me that I'm not expected to talk when she is pregnant AND frustrated. I think I'll stick to noncommittal laughing. She still gives me funny looks, but it's not enough to cause any problems between us. Also, I like to think that my laughing is part of her therapy and helps her accept that she will be pregnant for a little longer. She is taking it well besides referring to the midwife as a crazy lady now. We did hear the heart beat again. 138 beats per minute. The Kid was energetic when we got in there because we had just eaten. As I said, he is doing well and in position with head down but he won't be popping out any time too soon.

Ready

(Notice the antlers. Yes, she puts them on every day this time of year. She is asleep on the couch next to me with them on as I type.)

The Kid's room is done, I'm only 20 pages away from finishing The Birth Partner, and the car seats are installed in the cars. I'm not sure when the "You're officially qualified to be a father" certificate will show up, but I'm expecting it at any moment. I am feeling pretty good about the big day- and it's not far off. 10 days, plus or minus a few. Tami thinks three to five days sounds about right. I don't know, I'm sort of hoping for six plus days so that my winter vacation will have begun and I'll be around all of the time. Then again, how much more exciting can it get then to drive off from work after getting a call saying it's time? We'll see how our story unfolds.

A couple of days ago we went on a tour of the hospital birthing areas. I was surprised as the birthing rooms were not as sterile and cold looking as I had envisioned. The furniture and the floors look like wood. The lights have lamp shades. Sure, there are more dials and tubes then in most rooms, and there is a big movable spot light against one of the walls, but it's more inviting than I expected. The midwifes and nurses were nice and the nursery, the place the babies go when they are in need of medical attention, was not scary looking. I, for some reason, expected it to be. Maybe the fact that even this room had big windows open to the hall made it less scary. How bad can it be if it's not hidden from view?

Today, Tami and I spent more time together in a day then we have since summer. In the process we cuddled lying down in the morning for the first time in days (big belly has made it difficult), decorated The Kids room, went through our birthing plan, talked about birth, went grocery shopping, got frustrated with each other over silly stuff, got over it, and loved each other. A good day. The only time we spent apart was when Tami went to dance class early in the morning and I walked into downtown to read The Birth Partner at the Campbell Cafe.

It was beautifully grey this morning. Clouds were low, moving, and thick. The rain was constant and light. Great for a walk, a read, and a think. One of the things I was thinking about was how often I am actively thinking. The councilor for my anxiety issues said that I associate relaxation with boredom. To work on this was the real motivation to go for a walk this morning. The goal was to just walk in the light rain and enjoy the feeling of being, without having to do anything. It's weird, but this is the first weekend in so long that I have nothing I have to do for work or night school; I'm all caught up for a while. Still, anxiety has been an issue lately, even sleeping has been difficult. Today was no exception, but I worked through it. Not fun, but doable. The triggers are more difficult to identify now that I am over issues with driving and riding. Today, one of the high anxiety episodes happened while looking for mayonnaise, another while sitting in front of the Christmas tree chatting with Tami, and once at the Cafe. Sort of all over the place. When triggers do make sense they tend to have to do with time, creating quality work, or thoughts of birth. Not sure how mayonnaise fits into the scheme.

As I was saying, my goal this morning was to just be and to appreciate. Last minute, I decided to take a book, too. I had to give in a little to a need for distraction, at least the book is pertinent to my life right now. While thinking and taking in the weather, I considered that I am always thinking or reading if I am not "doing something." When I don't have a book, I buy a paper. When I have nothing to think about, I assign myself something "useful" to work on mentally. I wondered if Buddhism and Taoism weren't created as an organized way to help the masses deal with anxiety. Maybe the idea of Nirvana was just thrown in to make Buddhism look like a religion and present a long term goal to keep the focus. Maybe the ancients just needed a way to relax when looking for the right mayonnaise in the grocery store. Well, these are the kinds of things one thinks about when considering the fact that it is difficult to make a mind silent. I'm not sure if I can just stop doing, reading, writing, and thinking cold turkey. I'm working to wean myself off. I remember going on walks and being wholly present in the moment, undistracted. I know it's possible. I'm sure The Kid will be plenty distraction enough to wean me from any thinking addiction. I believe he will also be plenty motivation to be present and to enjoy the moment.

You know, it's kind of weird that I now find myself always trying to be doing something. I use to think of myself as a fairly lazy person. I'm not going to tell my child "Do it right or don't do it at all." It's one of the things I was thinking about this morning. If I don't feel I can produce at a certain level, I don't want to produce at all. Maybe that's why I thought of myself as lazy for so long; I didn't start producing until later when I was confident that I could live up to some standard. And then there is always the fear of missing the mark along the way. Is this why it took me seven years to graduate college? It was torture to turn in homework the whole time, only slightly less painful to drop out several times in my first years of college. Maybe I should have told myself it's more important to do something than to do it right. Maybe just doing is good enough to start with, and doing it well should be a goal later on down the line. That's the thing about aphorisms and advice, even two contradictory ones can sound full of truth and insight. This I do believe to be true; the more comfortable I have become with failure, the more initially scary, and ultimately interesting, experiences I have had.

All-righty Kid. I'm ready to fail with you. But I'll try to do well. Who knows, by the time you're 30 I just might be doing the father thing right.

Dear Santa,

I can't say for certain how you run your operation, but I can guess a little. I assume being good will qualify one for most gifts. But for some of the gifts out there, I assume one has to DO GOOD. That gift you see in the picture, clearly that is one of the ones you really have to DO good for. I've not done that much good this year. But, I imagine good deeds are like crimes committed in a year- cyclical. Perhaps this year there was a really low turn out on good deeds and that would move me up on the list. Also, maybe the top couple tens of thousands of truly worthy individuals aren't even interested. That would be crazy... but who am I to judge the noble? So, it's a long shot, but I thought I would put my name out there on the list of interested people. There are only twelve of these available so I'm not holding my breath. What are my qualifications? As I said, they are not that much, but I truly have worked this year on seeing the world from the perspectives of others. I've considered how my thoughts and actions affect others, how I sometimes propagate injustice and how I reap rewards without being the most deserving. And, I've started working to reverse such injustice. Humble beginnings, but I am happy to have actually done some good this year. That's my whole application. Now, Mr. Clause, just in case you don't know what is in that picture, let me tell you. THE F'N MOON!

So here is the deal. A book called Moonfire is being released to commemorate the 40th anniversary of Apollo II and there are a couple of special editions available. Twelve of these special editions include a rock from the moon! Now Santa, I have all that I need and then some. I certainly do not need my own moon rock. I'm quite okay sharing the one in Washington D.C. with the world. So, this is not a matter of need, it's a matter of "holly wow- I would love to touch that every day!" And to be fair, I have way more than my fair share of wants satisfied already. But, wouldn't you know it, every time I look there is a little more want left. Want is like room for ice cream. There will always be more. Now, I would be happy to acquire one of the twelve myself or pass on the request to family, but the $90,500 price tag is a little much. So, if you and your elves think you can work something out, and enough of the do gooders out there took the year off, and if those that didn't are just too crazy to appreciate this magic rock, well... somewhere a few hundred thousand names down your list of good, please find my name with moon rock written next to it.

Here is the link to learn more about it.

Thanks,

Randy

P.S.
In the mean time, my beautiful wife and I have started preparing our Christmas tree. I'm including a picture of the work in progress so that you'll recognize it if you need to know where to leave a certain rock. That's our Kid with Tami. He may be out and about by Christmas too. He's a good kid, I have a hunch. Feel free to get him a rock, too.

P.P.S.
We don't have milk. We sometimes have rice milk or soy milk. Once in a while, almond milk. Just a warning before you take a big gulp. It's good though. Also, I can leave out cookies, but I tend to eat them when they are out. So, get here early if you want a cookie.

Kid Doing Great

I love my kid. I know, he's our kid. And, I'm sure Tami loves him too. But this is my blog. And I love him. I havn't even met him yet, face to face, but he is so great. He's perfect.

We just went to our doctors appoointment, 37 weeks pregnant. He is healthy, active, and doing well. Very active. He moves around a lot, every night, all the time, and when ever Tami eats.  His legs move a lot and a few days ago I laid my head on Tami's belly and I could hear his heart beating. Sweet!  No wonder the ancient Egiptians thought the heart was so important. Ever wonder where the term "know it by heart" comes from? It's that impressive.

I think pictures are important for blog posts, but Tami went off to"pregnant-lady-yoga" before I took a picture. So, what you have hear is an anatomically correct representation thanks to Tami's sweatshirt and one of the (many many) pillows we have acquired. The kid is turned, ready to go. I asked if he would turn around more and we were told he might, but he's filled out most of the room so he will probably be in this position for the rest of his stay in Hotel Tami.

The cool thing is that he is active, Tami and he are doing well, and I can hardly wait to meet him. Tami says "20 days to go, plus or minus 10."

Day 28 - Campbell, California

My cross country trip of 2009 is officially over. More than I had hoped for over this weekend, I actually rode from Phoenix to the coast at Santa Monica (on Day 27), completing a coast to coast to coast motorcycle trip months after I had begun it in June. It almost did not happen. There was a point back on Thursday night when I nearly called off this weekend's trip thinking I would not even be able to make it sitting in a truck for 12 hours to get to Arizona. I'm glad I went through with the trip. Part of working through Panic Disorder is to challenge avoidance behavior, to keep the associated fear of panic from becoming too strongly associated with a trigger (such as driving far from home) and ultimately to overcome the avoidance behavior and the anxiety itself. The therapeutic goal is not to focus on a belief that one will never again experience high anxiety or have a panic attack, but that if anxiety arrives and if a panic attack occurs, it's okay because one knows how to work through the anxiety. This is what I had to work on, being certain that if anxiety struck while I was on a long drive from home, I would be okay. And I was. Sure, anxiety levels did rise several times on the drive to Phoenix, but I dealt with these episodes reminding myself that panic attacks and anxiety are uncomfortable but they can't kill a person and they can only last so long before they go away. I never did get a full panic attack, but I grew confident that I would be able to handle one if it occurred. And eventually, I became at ease on the drive and just enjoyed the time hanging out with my friend. That gave me a lot of confidence. And, our conversations were interesting, too. The topics ranged from my anxiety and the strategies I am using to to deal with it to how American society affects people of color and women as opposed to white males. Eventually, we even found a Waffle House (YEAH!!!) and had a light dinner and sweet tea (YUMM!).

By the time I woke up Saturday at my Nina and Nino's house, I was feeling very good. I was enjoying the trip and the visit with family.

I knew I was there to both pick up my bike and to challenge my fear of anxiety. Also, I knew I had a golden opportunity to prove to myself that I could truly handle anxiety if I would just ride through the Arizona desert and pass the location where I had pulled over in the summer and from where I was taken by a kind stranger to a clinic, and from there by ambulance to the hospital, where I was treated for dehydration. This was my chance. So, I took it. After saying goodbye to my family, I rode the bike west. My hands were soaking wet with perspiration and my anxiety level did rise and stay high for an hour, but I talked myself through it and I made it. About ten miles or so past the place I had once pulled over feeling ill, I was able to take in how beautiful the surroundings were and to congratulate myself for this personal accomplishment. I was not just riding to beat my own anxiety at that point, I was riding in a beautiful place heading west and it felt good. Breaking through to that state of mind, I wanted to keep on riding to enjoy the world and I did, all the way to the coast. It wasn't necessary to ride all the way to the coast to feel satisfied, I told myself, but I am glad that I did it. It added a sense of completion to my cross country ride.

The next day, Day 28, I decided I had nothing else I must prove to myself and it would be better and more fun to ride with Nathan in the truck and finish this road trip hanging out together. I had already gone coast to coast to coast on a motorcycle, challenged my avoidance behavior, and found again the pleasure that goes with a good ride free of anxiety. Also, I have ridden highway 1, 5, and 101 from my house to Santa Monica several times before on motorcycles, including on the Valkyrie, so it was well covered territory. I double checked with myself, to be certain I was not making an excuse to avoid riding anymore for fear of anxiety as that would undermine the efforts I was making to overcome Panic Disorder. I was convinced I was not. I knew, and know now, that I can ride to Canada or Mexico or back across the country today if desired. Well, except that I wouldn't because I'm not missing the ever expanding belly of my pregnant wife this close to the big day. But theoretically, I know I can do it. In fact, I feel like my old self again. Sure, anxiety may continue to rise once in a while, but I know what to do when it does. And, I know I am not limited as to where I can go in a car or on a motorcycle or as to what I can do because of anxiety or a fear of a panic attack. So, after completing 7,561 miles coast to coast to coast, Nathan and I loaded the Valkyrie on to the trailer and headed to Campbell, enjoying the drive together. Tami asked if I wouldn't mind waiting to deliver the Atlantic Ocean water to the Pacific Ocean until she could be there, so we're going to do that Wednesday.

This trip was great for many reasons. But the big deal is that I have this confidence back, a confidence that has been missing for four months since early July. That's a long time to carry around a fear that is conquerable but seems too big to take on. It almost seems silly, this irrational fear, when I am feeling normal. But it is horribly uncomfortable, frightening, and disconcerting when the anxiety level is very high and during a panic attack. It has not been easy psychologically. Four months is a long time to feel different from the way I like to feel.

Right now, I feel good. Arizona has provided to me many gifts and challenges over the years, after which, I believe, I have always changed for the better. The opportunities have made life more interesting and have helped me to build up and to tear down parts of my identity as I mature. Thank you Arizona, for all of the opportunities, including this one.

Home sweet home!

Home is where your pregnant lady is.  And I'm happy to be here.

Day 27 - Santa Monica, CA

It's Sunday morning now as I write about yesterday, day 27 of my cross country trip.  Day 26 was way back on July 9th. That's quite a break between road trip days.  One interesting advantage to the long break is that riding west is a lot easier now as the November setting sun is not straight in front of my eyes, but further left.  I can appreciate the color changes without squinting to see the road in the last hour of day light.  Of course, the sun is going down a lot sooner now then it did in the summer.

I love riding the winding roads one finds in the mountains and I look forward to enjoy them again. But the day's ride reminded me of the value in riding a long straight road in the desert.  Have you ever listened to trance or techno music? It's that repetitive dance music with the constant beat and the songs tend to last twice as long as anything else on the radio.  Well, if you have a chance and willingness to appreciate a song like that, you'll notice something.  The repetitive beat, a beat that would keep time in another song, is so repetitive and continuous that it no longer keeps time.  Instead, those occasional variations in the sound that come in once in a while serve as the time keepers while the repetitive beat alows you to fall into yourself and look around, see what you see.  There are interesting things in there.  That is driving in the desert.  The miles go by and time is not kept by the majority of what is out there, only by the occasional variation.  And in between, there is a lot of one's self to explore.  I fell into myself for a long while riding in the desert between the day's start in Phoenix, Arizona and the day's end in Santa Monica, California where I am writing this now.  I remembered how good it is to ride, I felt myself normal again on the road, I felt my body relax and my mind settle in to an alertness that is simultaneously contemplative. And occasioanly in the desert, a helicopter or a new rocky hill on the horizon would remind me that time was still passing and that I had travelled miles in my mind and on the road.

That meditation mind set changed when LA showed up.  The alertness necessarily become more important than the contemplative mind as the traffic increased.  Nathan and I came into civilization with the sun already set and worked our way to Santa Monica where we got a hotel near all the excitement.  We went on a walk through The Promenade and talked while we took it all in.  The Promenade is a beautiful street with trees lit up, shops, restaurants with sidewalk seating, street performers litteraly in the street because it's closed to cars, and so many people out walking and enjoying it all.  We also met up with Nathan's friends, Sam and Caroline, at a restaurant-bar on top of a hotel. I had a good time talking with them until very late.

I would say it was a very good and full day. It started with family and ended with friends.  In the middle, I challenged my fears and remembered what it is to flow and enjoy the world passing by in my mind and on a motorcycle.

I'm looking forward to day 28 today.  I'm looking forward to the traveling and to seeing my wife with her giant pregnant belly.  The traveling part won't get started until Nathan wakes up.  He stayed up talking a lot longer then I did last night. 

In the mean time, I'll enjoy this very comfortable bed in a room that looks out to the ocean.

I'm riding in the desert!

I've made it all the way through the Arizona desert and into........ the California desert; on my motorcycle.  Sweet! it's been a great day.  Woke up in a house I love to be in. Visted with family and ate an excellent breakfast that Nino made. Then decided I would go for it and ride at least past the place I got sick when last I was here.  And I just kept going all the way past the Colorado River. It feels good.  A beautiful day in the desert.

On The Road Again

Last night I took the RC51 out for a ride to Santa Cruz since Tami was at "pregnant-lady-yoga." It was good. I lack both the technology and the writing skill to transport you to Santa Cruz at night but I would like to recommend it to you. There I find the ocean crashing against the beach to be a sound so loud and yet I can happily fall asleep to it. The smell of salt water infused air is some how healing and the wafting smell of bonfire mixed in, ever present along the Santa Cruz beaches at night, adds warmth even when the fire is out of arm's reach. The stars were out last night, but that's just one type of beauty you may find there. Equally grand are nights blanketed in a soft down of cloud cover. The air, the smells, the sounds have a way of working their way through openings in clothes and stresses in the mind. Like tiny fingers, they work their way through until they surround a person from within, beyond the walls of any barriers real or imagined, and sooth like a loved one running fingers through one's hair after a long day. It makes me happy, I suppose, is the easiest way to say it. I wish I could compile that experience and attach it to this blog so that others could feel this from anywhere. Instead, I'll just recommend to you a visit.

And this weekend, I'm going back. Yes, but I'm going the long way, via Arizona.

Nathan and I are heading off Friday morning to Arizona in his truck. We're going to pick up my Honda Valkyrie that my Nino and Nina have been holding for me since our cross country motorcycle ride this summer. I had an AWESOME time riding around the United States for a month during summer. The trip was so memorable and full of new experiences, that I have yet to finish processing them. The motorcycle, however, had to stay in Arizona when I decided to fly back to California. That was after being treated for dehydration and knowing that I was not recovering quickly enough to ride home in time to make it to Evan and Sarah's wedding. One thing I have not discussed here, and that I hope to address in this blog in the future, is that I developed Panic Disorder and have been experiencing panic attacks and high anxiety episodes since then. This is what has prevented me from getting back to my bike and riding home. But there is a time limit if I hope to get my bike back, ridden or on a trailer, before The Kid is born and that time is now.

I've been working on strategies to cope with and move beyond panic attacks and high anxiety reactions through a workbook recommended by my doctor and I have seen a lot of progress. I've not had a full blown panic attack in weeks. The anxiety is still great enough that even driving to Arizona, or anywhere too far from home, will be a challenge. There are several triggers for me, but the adrenalin tends to flow most often when I am on the road. The first 20 miles of riding to Santa Cruz last night required a lot of internal monologue to work through the anxiety before it went away for the night. And now, it's time for me to challenge myself with a drive much farther. Thankfully Nathan is as excited for another road trip as I am. We are veteran road trip companions. In fact, we've driven to Phoenix more than once together since getting our licenses. I must admit, I'm a little sad to be trailering the motorcycle home instead of riding it, but I am convincing myself that it's okay to take small steps with this recovery therapy/process. While I won't be ridding home, I will have the opportunity to challenge the anxiety that has been limiting me for months and practice some of the strategies I have learned to use. I'll also get in a brief visit with my Nina and Nino, hang out on a road trip with a very good friend, retrieve my motorcycle, finish the cross country trip by land, and enjoy an interesting weekend.

What about getting back to Santa Cruz this weekend? Nathan and I made a stop in Santa Cruz the first day of our cross country ride this summer and picked up Pacific Ocean water that we carried all the way to the east coast. That water was added to the Atlantic in Miami, Florida where I picked up Atlantic Ocean water and brought that back as far as Arizona. That water is still with the bike but will be in the Pacific Ocean by this Sunday in Santa Cruz, California. Whatever happens, the weekend will be another interesting adventure.