The Kids: my Treasures

Ana is so adorably kissable.  Her cheeks just get more kissable each day.  She crawls.  Watching her crawl is exciting.  And after only a few days of crawling experience, she is now holding on to legs and surfaces and then rising up on her knees. Or, she will stand on her feet causing her butt to go in the air.  I realized it's only a matter of time before she is standing with support and then walking along the walls of the room while holding on.  I think about how she is almost 6 months old and I think about Enzo.  At 6 months and one day he ate his first solid food, avocado, and then 4 months later he was walking.  It all just happens.  This is not an incredibly wide window in time to enjoy this stage of my Ana's life.  My little girl, like my little boy, will only be in this stage for a limited time.  It's not a happy or sad causer but it is a wake up reminder for me to stay aware and appreciate these moments.

Ana smiles when I come home and she sees me.  My heart gets gooey.  I can't kiss her enough. 

Enzo just keeps growing up.  He picks up words fast.  We read every night now.  I know I could have started that earlier but I just started this month.  It was time.  He loves it.  He picked up on the routine after just two days.  He picks a book, we put it on the upper edge of his bed, we both lie on our bellies at which point Enzo tends to let out a laugh of excitement,  and we read together.    I read most of the words and Enzo reads most of the pictures pointing and naming "caballo", "rana."  Then we finish, Enzo says "more?", I say "tiempo para mi-mis" and I turn out the lights.  Then we do our version of chatting about Enzo's day where I ask questions and make assumptions until he gets tired.  Sometimes we say good night or bye bye to everyone and every thing we can think of in the dark.  Eventually, Enzo drifts off to sleep.

A couple of nights ago Enzo was particularly playful and kept cuddling me or grabbing my fingers and playing with them and the contact was so sweet.  I can still feel his fingers and palms wrapped around my fingers.  His were silky soft, freshly showered.  Being cuddled by my son is one of my favorite events.  And we talked.  I talked standard English.  My son painted more creative audible images punctuated with known words, English and Spanish.  Eventually he did go to sleep.  And I loved the entire process.  Taking Enzo to bed, reading and laying with him until he falls asleep; these are some of the priceless moments we share.

 
Sometimes, in the morning before I go to work, Enzo will want me to pick him up and then he holds on tightly to me and snuggles in.  It makes it so hard to leave but I love the feeling of being close to him and knowing that he wants to be close to me.

Last night, Enzo was in bed with his Mama.  Ana was wide awake and we were playing.  And I was falling in love with her even more.  And I thought, wow, if Enzo didn't exist then this little girl would be the only most beautiful child in my world, my most special treasure. I just sat with this thought. I allowed myself to feel as if Ana was our only child.  She is awesome, enriching, fulfilling.  And then I thought, that is just how I felt about Enzo before Ana joined us.  They are each individually so great at causing me to love more and appreciate more. I love Ana.  She is a beautiful gorgeous human.  She is a special and rare creature even if there are nearly 7 billion of us humans on Earth now.  I love Enzo.  He is a beautiful gorgeous human; special and rare even in the masses.  I would not want a life in which I did not know these kids.  I would not want even a perfectly happy life that did not include both of these jewels. Each of these children is that completely and wholly beautiful.  Each is that beautiful individually, that I would consider them each my greatest treasures, my greatest loves.  Wow.  And I have two so specially magnificent and perfect gems to love and adore.

Last Saturday

Flash Back to Saturday:

I just rode down hwy 9 on a red Ducati 900ss! Wow! I know that may not sound obviously deserving of exclamation points to some but I assure you that it is. The 16 year old Randy was in heaven. In fact, all of the Randy's from 16 to 35 were doing a little happy dance inside my mind. It was a super ride. It was a super day. Let's start with the ride.

Don drove me to the shop to pick up my Ducati in the morning.  Why?  Well, because after buying the bike, loving the bike, riding to work only a couple of times, but before getting to the ocean or the mountains, the starter burnt out.  Stuck. Sad.  And it sat in my garage for many weeks.  But now we are back.

And gloriously so.  100 miles ridden on a Saturday, the vast majority of which were through the windy redwood tree lined roads between the valley and the ocean.  Yes, finally I introduced the Ducati to the great Pacific.  Finally I was able to feel a steady back and forth weight shift uninterrupted around the rises and falls of the land.  The bike handles beautifully, the sound is excellent, the constant rhythm in the v-twin motor is comforting.  And the bike itself is comfortable.  And it's beautiful.  And it's quick.  And it sounds great in motion (a bit loud at a stand still but even then, mechanically fascinating).  And when the throttle is pulled considerably open there comes a point where a fantastic three dimensional roar becomes audible.  Not the one from the exhaust but a new and special sound-satisfaction from under the tank, through the air box and carburetors.  It is a whir of gulping air and the sound of magnificent controlled combustion reaching out and escaping straight up through the air channels to the rider.  It was awesome.  Twist the wrist, feel the thrust, and hear this machine/explosion/air sound rushing up through the tank and to the rider.  The big point here is that the bike has soul.  It's an amazing machine.  It's an amazing beautiful Italian machine, and it even got me 43 miles to the gallon.  As a tool it is impressive.  And sure, many bikes are, some more so.  Besides being impressive as tool however, is the excitement from the soul of this bike.  it has created an intangible essence, an aesthetic, a soul.  It feels good to interact with.  Even when it sat in my garage along side the Norton, unrideable, I still found pleasure walking by and noticing the bike.  On the move and alive it is only that much more magic, ethereal, intoxicating, stimulating, delight-full, sensual.
 

Ocean, mountains, twisty roads, changes in temperature and smell, wafts of humidity that vary by proximity to soil or stream or ocean, and this work of art that I am wrapped around, sliding through the atmosphere.  Every point of contact for each of my senses; I was aware of them and pleasantly so at various times of the day.  I even remember the point when I became aware of how my butt felt as I shifted my weight between curves in the road, and I was pleased.

And then, I came riding down HWY9 on a red Ducati, wearing a one peace leather suit, and I felt like a puzzle peace in a perfect fit of my reality solidly snapping into an ongoing fantasy.

When I got home and parked the bike next to it's Norton buddy my family was already loading up the car and getting ready to go.  Our family drove off to Rancho San Antonio park where we walked a mile each way to the farm. There we explored and gave Enzo his first non-book exposure to several animals whose names he knew like the vaca, pato, oveja, and more.  It was awesome.  Really, a perfect next event for the day.  Walking, or strolling, must be one of the greatest activities in the world available to humans.  Sharing that time with Tami and the kids was exactly what I needed to make my day fully ideal.  I'm pretty sure a perfect happiness and peace would be the result from daily walks with one's family sprinkled regularly with one's personal method of choice in communing with the universe.
 

How does October do it?  It's almost over but there is no slowing down in it's giving.  It was a perfect Saturday.  Maybe this feeling of October is too big for the month itself.  Maybe the spirit of the orange will have to flow a little longer.

Ana the Crawler

This morning I watched my beautiful baby girl crawl for the first time!  Awesome!  And she makes it look like the coolest and cutest thing to do ever. She took her first crawl on Friday as seen by Tami's coworker. Then Tami saw Ana crawl that same day. I had missed every crawling preview..... until this morning, when she made three to four "crawl units" in a row and she did that several separate times while I was getting ready for work. Awesome. My beautiful Ana crawls!  She really is so adorable. I liked when she was crawling in the hall and then noticed me looking at her and gave me a bigger smile. I also like that some of her crawling looked like it was to get closer to her Papa. It was a very sweet morning.

Sitting Pretty

On Friday I started to write a blog post that I never got around to finishing.  In it I mentioned that Ana can almost sort of sit now.  She gets one of her legs a little in front of her, pushes up with her arms and then sort of sits up in a sideways kind of way by holding herself up with her arms.  On Saturday I knew I would have to revise that because she got both legs in front of her, sat up, picked her hands up off of the floor, and sat all by herself!..... for about two seconds before rolling over!  So cool.  But then came Sunday when it became quite clear I would have to further revise my plan and write that my daughter could sit up any time she wanted, and she appeared to want to sit herself up a lot, as she would sit up for seconds at a time, fall over, scoot herself to another toy, and sit herself up again for another several seconds.  Amazing!  I told myself I would definitely write about this when I got home today.  And now I must report that Ana can sit up when she likes, support herself through her own balance for at least a minute, and eat a knitted peace of cloth all at the same time.  Wow.  How quickly development occurs!  A couple of days ago Tami and I were excited that she was getting one leg under her butt and then around and thinking it looks kind of like she is going to sit up in the near future.  And now she is a pro at sitting herself up and balancing there.  This process is amazing to watch.

(Ana hanging with Matt and Don.)

My Big Orange Month

(At Java Junction Coffee shop in Santa Cruz)

It's a favorite time of year for me. It's my month. I look forward to October. It started years ago with a motorcycle ride on my birthday to Santa Cruz. Over the years more and more parts were added to the tradition and then eventually some parts were turned into optional parts. The core part of the event is that I take a work day off, go to Santa Cruz and contemplate. I reflect on where I have been, where I am, and where I want to go. This takes hours. And it has turned into a special holiday for me. This in addition to the big day where my grandma makes, or my sister makes with my grandma's help, spaghetti and meatballs for me to celebrate my birthday. Yum! So delicious that I crave the meal for days in advance to where I can almost taste the sauce and meatballs. Well, the more and more I looked forward to my birthday and celebrating it with friends and family and reflection and spaghetti over the years... Well, it just seemed like too big an event not to spread out to become a birthmonth event. So here I am, the month of October as my officially sanctioned time to consciously view the world from a Randy-centric perspective; to enjoy myself completely and to think about what that means to me. These are my personal holy days.

Well, one and a half weeks into this orange month and it is clear that exactly every single day has been special. And to my wife whom I know reads this, a special thank you. Thank you for somehow buying into the importance of this big month and helping me to make the most of it each year. And thank you for the delicious dinner and then breakfast last week when I was able to sit back and enjoy food and family in luxury.  Sunday, yesterday, I was in a little bit of a funk but that happens.  Every other day has been quite especially blissful and even on Sunday I got to see my daughter sit up often and my son play.  Even in a bit of a funk I can be a part of myself.  The other October days thus far have included friends and family and grandma's spaghetti and meatballs and my favorite of grandma's salsas and Santa Cruz and reflection and me just being and thinking and being grateful and feeling quite fortunate.  I am lucky mud.

My Santa Cruz reflection day this October was several days ago. It was a beautiful day. I took some time to read my birthmonth reflections of the last three years, let them settle, and started writing my reflections for this new year of my life. My personal new year. It was fun to read about how I was going to have a baby and how excited I was. And then about how I was going to have another baby and how excited I was again and how much I loved my son and how I was looking forward to meeting my daughter.  Only I didn't know yet that she was a daughter. It was interesting to see how some things have changed with my thoughts and hopes and how some things are exactly the same over these three years.

This year I wrote about several events when looking back over the year and especially about my two beautiful children. I was able to take note of where I am in the world now and what I think about being here. And in looking at where I want to go next it is clear to see the continuation of a trend from last year in which I am becoming increasingly content and grateful with where I am and who I am in relation to where I would like to be and who I would like to be. They are lining up more and more. This means several things. On the plus side I am increasingly satisfied with life. On the interesting change side, I am decreasingly interested in regular dramatic change in my life. For several years my identity, as viewed by me, was partially based on dramatic and regular change and the questing for change. It's not as though I now quest for stability but I certainly appear to be increasingly wanting exactly what it is that I have.

And so I wrote my reflections for October 2011. I, for some reason, don't feel appropriate writing those reflections on the web though I imagine they will last longer on the web then in the various journals I happen to pick up each year to write in. And I admit that I hope my children will read those journals as well as this blog when they are older.  Still, I enjoy writing with a pen onto paper when in Santa Cruz and that's where most of those words will remain for now.  There is one interesting revelation from the day's writing that I would like to write here about my children, however.

...As if one were not perfectly beautiful to be in the presence of, both together are magnificent.  It is different though.  Alone they are these fantastic creatures.  Together they are this new thing- they are this relationship that they have.  It's not exactly mine.  It's not mine to admire what "I" have.  It's mine in the moment to appreciate what they have.  It's their treasure.  My treasure is being able to see it and love it and be there.  Theirs to be in the moment.  They are lucky mud.

5 Month Birthday!

My beautiful girl is 5 months old!  She scoots around everywhere and is now almost sitting herself up. She sort of moves a leg under her bottom and kind of pushes back so that she is almost sitting, a little sideways and forward.  Here is a picture of her reading with her brother under the coffee table.

Entertaining Each Other

My little girl is captivating.  She smiles when she sees me often now and I love that.  It is great to be recognized by Ana and greater to cause a smile.  She is at that point where she is not crawling but sort of swims on the floor and scootches herself to wherever she wants to be.  Generally she wants to be somewhere with a toy on the floor that she can gnaw on and she is very good about getting there fairly quickly.  When she stops and does not feel like playing with a toy, Ana will often be on her belly and hold both of her arms out like a parachute jumper before pulling the cord.  She will lie like that for a long time and just look around, head up, arms out and raised above the ground.  That's what she does most, look around.  And when she is amused she will smile and laugh and I love it.

Enzo loves it too.  He will come up to her and just start laughing until she laughs too.  It's awesome.  Enzo asks about "baby Ana" more than for either of his parents.  The first words when he woke up from a nap today were "baby Ana?"  He is concerned about her if she fusses, brings her toys and plays with her often, and is fairly cautious of her when he plays around her.  It is amazing to me to watch them together.  Ana adores her brother and stops to watch him play and smiles for him whenever he stops  by to amuse her.  This morning she was moving around under the coffee table looking for things to chew on with her gums.  Enzo came into the room, saw her and got under there with her smiling and laughing, just to hang out with her.  Then he got out and started laughing and performing for her and she was a completely wrapped audience; yelling out and laughing when he smiled at her. When he started playing soccer, she watched for minutes from under there as he went back and forth in the living room.  They are adorable together.

As for kicking the soccer ball, Enzo has become pretty impressive.  We were playing back and forth in the kitchen yesterday.  I treasure these times we have.  He enjoys to kick and run, dribbling the ball through the house or in the grass.  And he can throw, too.  He has a toy football and a toy baseball that he throws pretty far and with great accuracy.  He does not catch yet but we played catch today anyway as he threw the baseball straight to me to catch.  Then, he watches the ball come back to him and then runs as needed to pick it up.  He loves to play ball above all other playing.  He also enjoys airplanes; to see them, to have me make the shape with my hand and then to make the noise as my hand flys over him, and now to play with his own super cool wooden one that his mother bought for him at the thrift store.He caries it and makes his own airplane noises.

I have heard that people relive their day when they sleep.  Sometimes Enzo will go through his day before sleep.  A lot of the times that sounds like him repeating names "y Mama y Papa y Mama y WaWa (Maggie) y Gaga (Dog- Monte), y Ana y Mama y Papa..." while he rolls around in bed getting closer to sleep.  I find it adorable to listen too.  The day Tami bought him his new airplane he and I also watched an episode of Top Gear together.  That night he said "Coche" "Airplan'" over and over.  This happens when he is winding down and so the mood we are going for is quiet and sleep inducing but sometimes he is just funny or catches us off guard and we have to stifle the laughter.  After he went to the last A's home game of the season with Tami and her family, that night lying in bed, quieting down, The Kid yells out "OkLnd!" and claps his hands in the dark!  Then he does it again and again, "OkLnd!" Clap Clap, and he just laughed in between.  Fantastic.  There is enough light in our room for me to look over and see Tami, like me, enjoying the moments and also trying hard to not laugh aloud.

Enzo is growing up.  He was taller today.  I admitted to myself that he is not a baby but a little boy.  And he has all this character.  One of the new things, besides his ability to learn words instantly when we don't expect it, is that he will laugh super loud and place his hands on his knees and sort of squat a little bit and throw his head back laughing.  Where does he get this?

These are beautiful kids.  They grab my attention, smile and laugh, love each other, Ana smiles at me, and Enzo will hold on to me to snuggle in when I carry him.  They make me smile and laugh, and make being on the floor the best place to be.

The Sweet Kids

The pain-in-the-butt side of The Kid seems to be hiding out.  Sure, he ran off and then threw his tooth brush when he saw that I followed him to keep his toothbrush in the bathroom.  But that was about it lately.  Other than that it's been all hugs and cuddles and love... and Top Gear.  The new season is running.  Tami takes Ana to dance class once per week and that means Enzo and I get some alone time.  This week we ate burritos outside on the porch, watered the plants together, played with the soccer ball and the football.  And then, rather than go to bed exactly on time, we watched an episode and a half of Top Gear.  Towards the end it was clear Enzo was getting tired so we went off to bed, no issues at all.  Sometimes Enzo is not really in the mood to sleep but not so that night.  We both walked to bed and chatted a bit until sleep fell upon him.  I enjoy these days we have together.

My daughter is becoming even cuter by the day.  She is just soooo soft and pretty and her half smiles, as most of her smiles curl up each side of her smile only half way, are quite attractive.  I like it when she is lying down and she grabs my hand and pulls my hand around, gnaws on my fingers, and rolls around just being a happy baby and sharing it with me.  She can be mesmerizing.  I feel I don't hold her enough.  Not as much as I would like anyway.  Not in a bad way but in a way that reminds me I can not have enough of all that I want when I want so much good stuff.

Enzo and Ana get along gorgeously.  Enzo will bring Ana toys and show her how to use them.  He will still give her little kisses.  Once I was amazed at how many toys Enzo was able to fit in her little arms under her chin as he just kept giving her more and more.  She likes to watch her brother.  They seem already connected; significant to each other.  I think Enzo asked for "Baby" about as much as he asked about "Mommy" when he and I had our evening together.  I caught a little video recently of one of the times they were playing together.  You can hear Enzo at one point ask in his own way "Where is the Palo?... See!"  and then he goes and gets the "Palo" for her.  Palo is how he says pájaro (bird) and he currently calls all flying animals palos which is why you see him get up and bring his sister the toy butterfly which she clearly enjoys to munch on.

Another video I got is of Enzo singing.  He recently learned how to turn on the radio in the kid's playroom, somehow distinct from the entire house that is their play area, and how to control the volume.  I walked by and he was dancing and spinning around and giggling.  When I rushed back with my phone to record him he had moved on to singing.  You can hear him at one point say "bye-bye" to the light when he turns the radio off and then "more" when he turns it back on.

The kids are great together.  My son is an angel again... most all of the time.  My daughter is as glowing and wonderful.

New Skills

(Waking up to the flash of pictures in the morning.)

My daughter continues to prove mastery at the skill of absolute adorableness. My son, at the ripe mature age of 20 and a half months has decided that he has become such a master of adorableness that he would add to his repertoire the skill of pain-in-the-buttness. He is no master of this inevitable craft as of yet but he has some talent with this skill to be sure.

At first I wrote off early grumpy signs of his newest venture as the result of mere teething discomfort. He is teething with the sharp fang teeth and the molars popping out. And surely he would not begin the pain-in-the-buttness skills so soon while he still is working on mastery of speech, I told myself for comfort.

Several days ago he went to bed fussy, woke up fussy, and went to bed fussy again. Thankfully he can't help but pose and smile for a camera. That next morning Ana woke up first so I took some pictures of her. Enzo started to move around so I aimed the camera at him and the flash did it's magic. The Kid's smile woke up before his eyes did! All happy and cute and stretching and posing for the camera my son joined the world of the conscious that day. Grumpiness didn't have a chance of sticking when my son started the day off in front of a flash. These kids are just so good at being cute and beautiful.

Other evidence has since appeared, however, that we are not just talking about teething. Enzo is good with a cup or a glass and I let him hold and drink water from adult glasses often enough. When it's too full or Enzo seems a little distracted I will sometimes leave a hand of mine on the cup to guide... just in case. Enzo, as it would turn out, did not recently feel that he needed such assistance on a particular occasion and made it quite clear. I assured him that I would help anyway. At that point The Kid grabbed the mug, paused, and then threw it out of my reach. From there it was all gravity and physics but to tell you how it ended; there were more pieces of mug then when we started.

I was flabbergasted. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do.  My ego was offended.  That's what ego's do after all. This super adorable kid just threw a cup and it broke because he didn't want my help. What was I supposed to do? I could slap his hand or face or swat his butt but that didn't seem to make sense here and I personally have decided that I will go my whole life without hitting to teach a lesson to my children. I know, everyone has an opinion on this. But for me, it won't work any other way.  Perhaps others have a clearer mindset but I am suspicious of myself using any method of teaching that simultaneously vents my aggressive anger and I don't think I could hit my children in any way that did not include me releasing my anger on them.  I wouldn't be motivated to do so unless I was partially blinded by anger so I will just stay away from it all completely. I could yell but I didn't think that would teach Enzo anything right then and yelling often resembles hitting. I was standing there with a quiet child waiting for a response and a broken cup surrounded by water on the floor; frustrated and immobilized in indecision. Until that moment redirection always did the job. But here I was with an extra motivation or two. Redirection works when you don't want a kid to do something. You redirect them and they start to play with something else. But at that moment I also wanted to release my frustration and I wanted to teach my son a lesson that throwing cups breaks them and that is not a good thing. After several seconds I simply gave up, picked him up, and set him in a different spot so that I could clean up the mess. Very unsatisfying at the time. Two motivations unmet; my frustration un-vented and no lesson learned by my son.   I think it was better to miss teaching the lesson, which I didn't know how to teach, than to cause an undesirable lesson while venting the frustration I was feeling.  But that can't keep happening indefinitely.  The frustration was gone a minute later as was any thought my son had for the cup. Since then, I've been thinking and talking a little about this and I have come up something better that I could have tried.  I think I would have been better off telling Enzo that I didn't like that he threw the cup in a serious and reasonable tone and then showing him that the cup was now broken.  My goal would be to show him that I was sad about the behavior and that there was an undesirable consequence to his action.  Also, if any of this sticks with him over time, and he learns to copy and mimic the behavior his dad has modeled, he would be an impressive kid.  Maybe my son would tell another kid "I don't like that you did that, look what it caused" instead of yelling "No" or trying to hit another kid in school who tears his drawing.  I'm trying to put a plan together based on conversations I have had as I have no real knowledge or memory or reading or research or experience that I can think of to help in a situation like this.  I need to read a book.  Or, I need Tami to read a book and let me know what it says.  If you have an insightful suggestion I'll listen.

Time will tell if I master the skills of parenting at least as quickly as my son masters the skills of youth.  If not, I'll just keep a camera with flash nearby at all times.

Kid, if you are reading this someday- I love you.  Hopefully you eventually learned not to throw cups in frustration.  By the way, it was your mom's cup that Tom gave her back in high school so you may want to keep an eye out in the used stores for a cup with lots of penguins that says "One in a million."  It would make a great mother's day gift.

Ana is 4 Months Old

Ana is 4 months old, beautiful, calm.  She has a long attention span in that she can rest on her belly holding her head up and appear to actually be watching what is going on around her for a very long time.  Unless she decides she has to pee or eat, it's easy to get next to her and have a chat while she gives me her full attention.  She'll even raise a smile. When she does decide to roll back on to her back, she has the softest belly in the world for little kisses.  I have to compete with her feet which she discovered a couple of weeks ago and which will often block belly-kiss access as she holds her feet to her mouth. 

She is adorable. 

Happy birthday my beautiful Ana.

The Holes of Loss

I have not heard my Nina's name so much as I have lately.  Nina Irene.  Hurricane Irene is on the radio each mourning and evening to and from work.  This brings comparisons to other hurricanes and discussions of loss.  Yesterday NPR talked to a woman with whom they have been following with occasional check ins since Hurricane Katrina.  Her and her husband were there and then rebuilt.  Her husband died a year ago.

For me, it is the drive home from work that has proven to be the time of tears over loved ones lost.  Tears and poems are written in my mind.  The first are etched softly and the latter are like prayers evaporating into the wind.  Not sure why when driving home but it is the case.

I was thinking on Monday about mourning.  Part of the mourning is to honor the loved one gone from this conscious Earth. To be sure.  But part, a major part, is to honor the hole that is left in my self.  There is respect for loved ones lost and there is this personal hole.  How do I balance a desire to live this life, honor loved ones lost, and honor the part of myself gone?  I thought about family alters.  I thought about if I would smile in happy memory or turn sad or solemn or want to cry at the mention of my loved ones.  I thought about customs of dressing in mourning for a year after a spouse dies.  I love my Tata (my grandpa), I love my Agusta (my dog), I love my Nina.  I love others who have gone; my Tia and Melissa.  I sometimes feel the loss of ones I have barely known or never met but only hear of on TV or on the radio.  I mentioned the basic question that I have about mourning to my friend at work, Katrina.  She said that mourning has a way of coming up when it needs to.  Tears will be there when they need to be.  There is no need to work to make them there all of the time.  The woman on NPR said that sometimes, after a month of everything being fine, she will think of her husband and pat his side of the bed.  And everything is ok and she goes on.

I am not certain where I am at with mourning.  I am still an amateur adult in so many ways.  But I think more about the question to myself that I posed: what would I like best when I think about my loved ones gone years from now?  I think I might like it best if my first thoughts, most of the time, when I don't need otherwise, are thoughts that make me smile.  I think I would like to take these holes inside of me and swell them full of the memories I have.  To let the holes fill with goodness and memories and lessons learned and a presence that feels tangible and that is all the good that these special people brought into my life.  That's what I am thinking right now.  And, other times, I'll cry.  But mostly, I will smile.

Enzo the Great

I'm pretty sure Enzo is the most absolutely perfectly awesome-ist boy in the world.  He has crept into my being and built himself a palatial fortress.  He wrapped both of his arms around mine as he fell asleep two nights ago and I'm pretty sure I ascended into a higher state of existence.  My arm engulfed his person without moving.  My heart swelled and covered him.  Sometimes when I hold him he holds me back and Tami laughs but does not fight me on it when I say I can do nothing else practical for the household until he stops cuddling me of his own will.  Sure, I like to avoid responsibility once in a while, but this is valid beyond all valid reasons ever.  He smiles at me.  He gets excited to see me after work but then runs away laughing.  He laughs more when I chase and pick him up.  Sure, three seconds afterwards he goes straight faced, turns, and points to a bouncy orb saying "ball!"  But we have those three seconds and the world is at peace.  At about six o'clock yesterday were you angry but then suddenly felt perfectly at ease?  That's when I picked him up.

He says "bye papa" when I'm getting ready to leave in the morning now.  He is not sad.  He just says bye in his happy-sweet and matter of fact way.  This started only a couple of weeks ago.  It simultaneously made me happy and sad the first time.  My intellect had to intervene and make sense of it all for me.  There is a part of me that wants him attached to me, and part of me that wants him independent of me.  Overall, I want him attached to me but confident that he is well without me and that he trusts he is safe.  So, this is perfect.  Especially since he is happy to see me home, even if he is only elated until three seconds after I pick him up. 

I could hold him forever except that I want him to freely explore on his own and live and some day consciously appreciate this existence and universe.

Enzo loves his sister and is so sweet.  He pushes her on her swing.  He talks to her.  And she will stop anything to look and listen when he gives her attention.  If she is complaining she will still stop when he makes noise.  He pulls her towards him on her little swing, face to face, just like I do with him at the park, and says "wa, tu, thwee" and let's her swing go just as I do with him.  Over and over.  On the weekend I laid down on my belly in the living room next to my daughter laying on her belly.  Enzo came running over from behind and I turned to see him with a huge smile as he ran and he was saying something happy and laid down on my other side to join us, on his belly, as happy as can be and just beaming that beautiful smile of his at us both.  No jealousy, no attempt to be the center, just so excited, it seemed, to see us together and to be part of it.  My smile is HUGE as I write this.  I have thought of that time so many times.  It is the greatest memory I have with them both so far. 

Sometimes at night our whole nuclear family is a chain.  I love that too.  Sometimes by accident.  Sometimes I am awake, Enzo on one arm,  and I will stretch my arm out to Tami who is cuddling and feeding Ana just to feel that chain connect.

He calls me Papa and his mom Mommy lately.  For him, I refer to Tami as Momma and she refers to me as Papi but for now he seems to be settling on the reverse sound endings for us.

We played with his green ball in the front yard yesterday before bed.  Two days ago we walked to the park and I pushed him on the swing for so long and he never tired of it.  I offered to take him out but he kept saying "more".  He points out "palo" everywhere when he sees them.  That's how he says pájaro which is bird in Spanish.  He asks about luna often which is moon in Spanish but we haven't had a good view in a while during his waking hours.  The new moon was only two days ago.  We spent several minutes several days back looking at la luna and it some how stuck with him.  I wonder if these are his special moments between he and I so far.

His palatial fortress is indeed gargantuan.

Ana the Molecular

My daughter is so absolutely adorable!  She is becoming so substantial.  Her cheeks are so real.  She looks at me and really looks.  She looks around and observes.  She is so beautiful.  I'm pretty sure she is a genius too.  I can not take her in completely enough.  I wish I could spend a moment fully and completely aware of her every molecule.  How cool would that be?  What if that was a drug you could take; to be fully aware of every molecule of another?  How addicting.  What if you could use that drug for anyone you love?  After a year would you love more people or less?  What if you could use it for yourself?  What if you could take enough to take in several people at once?  Here in real life, with no such magic-total-molecular-awareness drug,  I get to stare at my gorgeous girl.  I kiss her cheeks.  I look at her looking.  I fall deeper in love.  There is no picture yet that does her gorgeousness and spirit justice.  Her brilliance of being is a moving essence and will not sit still long enough for any device.  I keep trying to get the essence on photo, still.  Nothing equals the real Ana.

She is also physically substantial in a scientific baby check up way.  Ana, and her brother and parents, went to her four month doctor appointment today.  15 pounds of gorgeous is what she is.  Not sure how to measure gorgeous medically.  Not sure the doc ever used the word at all, but we all know what she meant.  15 pounds of gorgeous.  Doc said things like "it's amazing she holds her head up so well for so long and rolls so well at four months" and then asks jokingly "are you sure you're four months?"  I'm sure pediatricians are trained to say everything in a way to make parents gush, but really.... Ana is a super-roller-expert-extraordinaire.  Any direction as far and as fast as you can look away; two rolls and with a twist.  Since she has a bit of a kick already mixed into the rolling around it's always a mystery of where she will end up.  I am in this narrow window of time where I could develop a gambling game based on where she will settle in for a minute but I just don't think I can develop the rules, build up the market, attract the gamblers, and come to terms with the morality of using my daughter as a living moving roulette ball to help cover her and her brother's college expenses before she masters direction and is off wherever she likes to be as far as she likes to be and I just don't want to trap her into a narrowly confined game table for the sake of a game.  You know?

In case you are curious, her check up went great.  She is doing well.  She handled her second set of shots similar to her brother.  She didn't like them, she got over them fast enough, and she complained slightly more and for slightly longer than her brother did.  She actually didn't mind the liquid drop part of the vaccines as much as her brother did, though. And in the end, she was happier to settle in with her mother than her father.  I have been the one to hold the kids during all of their shots and eventually Tami gets them because she wants to love them.  It's hard to give them up, really.  Especially when they have tears in their eyes, even drying ones.  It was difficult with Ana because I wasn't done comforting myself by comforting my girl but I knew she would like it even better with Tami and I knew Tami needed her too.  So, I passed her over and it took a millisecond to see that while Ana was already over the ordeal in general she was much happier to finish off the experience with Mama.  They always look great together.

I don't mean to imply that Ana and I don't have our special moments and growing affinity.  We do.  Cuddling up and looking at each other this morning was perfect existence.  It's just amazing to be so in love with a child and to watch her find that little extra comfort in another I love and to know how awesome it is that Ana is this incredibly loved and comfortable though she has no idea yet, thankfully, how lucky she is.  When your second most comfortable parent adores you as much as I adore Ana, I would say you are pretty well set.

Nina

My Nina has left the "building." She is physically gone from the world. She has left me with an example of goodness. She has left me with warmth, affection, consideration, caring, love, confidence. She has left me with intangibles though I can never again look at her person and hug her. Her leaving has left me with pain and sadness. Her gifts have left me with warmth and confidence. She has left me with intangibles that I may carry anywhere and that I may feel. She has left me with her greatest gifts that have always been available to me and always will be. She gave to me before I was born by caring for my mom and family. She gave to me in life by always being there. She gives to me now by the example of her life and by my memories with her. I love you Nina. Thank you for everything. Thank you for existing. Thank you for loving Nino and raising great kids into great adults. Thank you for taking care of my mom and family. Thank you for caring. Thank you for influencing the world by your presence. Thank you for having an affect on me so that I may be a better person to the world and father to my Ana and Enzo. Your influence will last generations even if future generations do not know it. We know now. I know. Thank you. I love you.

6

Six years of married life today.  Life is nothing as I expected and exactly as it should be.  It's amazing that six years have passed since that morning; that morning when I woke up knowing I would go to sleep a married men.  And now, six years later, we are excellent partners and parents of two beautiful children.

Rolling

Look who just rolled over for the first time! And on her three month birthday. Happy birthday/rollday!

Momentary Rewards

(How I would look with a halo as drawn with my thumb on my phone.)

I've spent some time lately thinking about a certain recent day. A couple of weeks ago, during the packing for the move, I was lamenting the fact that I was working and packing so much that I was not seeing my family. Have you ever started thinking "if only....... then every thing would be perfect..."? I've done that a lot. Not always perfectly consciously but the thought was there that I just need this one thing. As it turned out in this case, I ended up with a perfect Enzo day during a break from packing. I watched him laugh, I watched him explore, I focused fully on him, we played, we snuggled, we went for a walk, we played in the park, we played in the water structure, we spent the day together. Tami had to work and had Ana and so Enzo and I just spent the day together and it was exactly the kind of day I am always wanting more of. A day in which I am wholly present and focused on enjoying my family and the moment. In this case it was specifically with Enzo. There were moments where I lost myself, in a good way, in the moment. I guess I did not loose myself so much as blend into the moment. You know how sometimes you jut feel happy and you are smiling while you are engaged in the world around you? Those moments.

And I got to thinking at the end of a perfect me and Enzo day.

The pleasure, the in-ness of those moments, are fleeting. I got exactly what I wanted, exactly the kind of quality time, "if only....time," and yet the moment passes, new feelings come and go. I receive no plaque, no award or reward, no lasting feeling or medallion for having spent a perfect day with my child where I fully paid attention to him and found perfect harmony and pleasure from being there. I have no saint's halo, no Buddha glow. Pictures of me will continue to look like very ordinary pictures of me.

This thought did not come with the feeling of complaint. Jut a clear absolute realization and acceptance. I got what I wanted. If I want the feeling again, I will have to do it again. I don't get to own the moment and place it on a shelf for future reliving, I have not advanced to a new superior state of being, I will receive no extrinsic reward. My reward was the moment itself. These may seem like plain words, but nearly-religious experiences often do when reduced to language. I suspect this would explain the desire to exaggerate such experiences but I am avoiding that here. The simple thought that: the full reward for any moment is the moment itself, came with that emotional feeling of Ah-ha! that we sometimes get when we feel clear about the ways of the Universe.

I got exactly what I wanted and lived a day as clear and in the moment as I could imagine. And what I got was the moment itself.

A New Toy, a New Home

(Ana trying out my new Ducati!)

My new toy!  1992 Ducati 900ss cr.  This is the bike I lusted after in high school.  It's everything I thought it would be.  It's awesome!  This is only day 3 with it but we are having a blast together.  I had money set aside to buy a car project.  That came from the sale of my super cool RC51 that was a birthday present and I intend to keep the value invested in a toy that is worthy of such a cool birthday present.  I'm still searching for the right car project.  When riding my Norton to our new house a couple of days ago I was forced to accept 3 things.  1, the Norton is a bit of a project itself and it will take a little time, effort, and money to get it to where I can safely and reliably ride it (this was difficult to accept). 2, It is difficult for me to not have a bike that I can hop onto whenever I like. 3, Tami was right AGAIN because she told me I should keep one modern and reliable bike around so that I could go to Santa Cruz and the hills when ever I wanted.  So, I got the great idea that I could convert the RC51 money into two, yes two, new toys!  And then I found this super awesome 900ss on Craigslist, posted less than a half hour before I searched for it and I was able to get it for half the RC51 money.  All of my celestial motorcycle signs/pistons/sprockets were in alignment.  And the bike is truly awesome!  I love this bike.  I have all that lustful excitement about it that I did in high school except now I can actually ride it.  I love looking at it, thinking about it, and riding it.  I love that the engine supports the swing arm, that the engine hangs from a frame (instead of sitting in it), that the engine is visible, and that the frame is that beautiful trellis frame like a gorgeous bridge carrying my body and motor over the road, linking the two wheels together.  It is art.  I feel like a kid in a dream.  A motorcycle dream.  It's beautiful Italian motorcycle art dream.

(Moving out of the kids' first home.)

Also, somewhere above you may have noticed that we moved.  We said goodbye to our children's first home and have moved to a more spacious home.  Monte gets a nicer yard.  Maggie gets a nicer neighborhood to roam.  The kids get way more space to run and play in when inside.  Tami gets two bathrooms (she has been asking for this since we were married nearly 6 years ago).  And I get a bigger two car garage.  We all get what is simply a much nicer home in a great neighborhood.  Tami and I were talking about how quickly we became comfortable in this house and how happy we are to be here.  The whole family seems to have instantly adjusted to it.

Enzo Raines the Erbium, and what we've been up to

(Tami and Enzo swimming on the 4th of July.)

After the last blog post I decided to look up Enzo's first initials and it turns out that Er is the atomic symbol for Erbium, a rare earth metal used in lasers and in pottery. Cool. So, as for the laser amplifying son of mine: I adore this kid and can't get enough of him. He is addicting. I kiss him, I snuggle him, I watch him, and there is never a feeling of "I'm full" no matter how much time I spend with him. I can't get enough.

(Camping is dirty work for a kiddo. Check out all of those teeth!)

(Playing ball with Papi.)

Several days ago he stood up in bed when he was supposed to be going to sleep, said "We, we , weeee!...", bounced a couple of times on the bed and then fully jumped onto my belly laughing in pure joy. It was awesome and completely unexpected. My belly didn't even see it coming. Then he did it over and over and over again with the same level of enthusiasm for who knows how long until Tami and I had to stifle our laughter and giggles to convince him that it really was time to go to bed. It was so fun to watch him enjoy himself so much. Telling the story a few days later we realized that he was counting "One, Two, Three" or "Uno, Dos, Tres" the way Tami and I do before many things like tickling him or pretend-eating his feet or dunking him under the shower to rinse his hair. And within only a couple of days it became quite clear to hear him say "Un, Ta, Tweee!" He does it often now and it's cute. Some variations may include "We, Ta, Wee, Ball!" as he throws a ball. The variations are fun but more and more he is close to counting on his own up to three.

(Enzo loved the oatmeal so much he wanted to wear some of it.)

This makes me think of all the blog posts I write in my head nearly every day but that are lost in not being written. Some recent ones include experiences like me trying to teach him to kick a ball. He eventually got it but obviously preferred to throw it. I had forgotten to count and he's the one that reminded me to start counting 1, 2, 3 before I kicked the ball. Then, there is the fact that he likes to dance so much. Sometimes it's to the radio but it can just as likely be to a commercial or a song in the background anywhere. He sort of squats just a little and holds his hands forward a little while sticking his butt out. Imagine a skier going down hill and about about to jump off of a ramp. Then he wiggles his butt. I can't help smiling and giggling just thinking about it. One of the coolest things he likes to do is clap. He'll clap for successes big or small, his or someone else's. At the park this weekend he was clapping for people off in the distance because they caught a basketball. Today he clapped for me when I finished vacuuming. I wish I could take this kid everywhere. It's pretty cool to get cheered on like that. It's really cool that he claps for himself and for others. There is just no end to the happiness this kid can inspire.

(Ana napping on Mama during Ana's first camping trip.)

(Tami and Shea spinning fire sticks on Tami's birthday.)

Some of those unrecorded blog posts of my mind had to do with all that we have been up to lately. We've been camping several times since our Arizona trip. Ana makes a good camper and Enzo is becoming a pro. We went to the beach for Tami's birthday marking the beginning of that quarter of the year when Tami is my elder and I still try not to listen to her though she is often right. And there was the Arizona trip itself. Driving home from my Nina and Nino's house in Phoenix the great level of anxiety that I had been experiencing and had written about began to slip off of me. An hour west of Phoenix and I could clearly feel it sliding off of me. Two hours into the drive west and I was able to see the desert again, to feel me driving through it, taking in what the Universe had to offer and being ok with it. Maybe my anxiety will return again to that very high level that it was a few weeks back. Right now I'm grateful, I'm calm, and I accept what is. Being able to relax, let go of my tension, and be ok with what was resulted from our visit where we were able to spend time with my Nina and cousin Sylvia and visit with more cousins and I was able to spend time talking to my Nino. I hope that I can make others feel as special as my family makes me feel. I hope I can be good and giving without expecting payback like my family does. I hope I can care about the lives of others even when I have so much going on with my self. I hope I can provide that sense of comfort and peace and goodness throughout any trial of life as my family does. I hope when I experience my greatest challenges I can remind another how special they are and offer them my blessings. My Nina has given me a lot in life, more than I can write about here, but her blessings on me and Tami and our children when we left her house are my absolute greatest treasured gifts from her ever. Seconded to this is her life as an example of how to live, care for family, live well, and pay attention to what matters which always seems to be people. My Nina asked me at one point if I remembered the saying that she had taught me: "No hay mal que por bien no venga." I had been very attracted to it when she taught it to me but had somehow let it slip my mind. Now it's back. And I think, everything is ok in this Universe even if it's sometimes difficult to take in. No hay mal que por bien no venga.

Ana Uku Gold

Ana's first two initials are AU.  Au is the atomic symbol for gold on the periodic table of elements.  My Angel of gold is doing great and she is growing so big.  She is becoming expert at smiling gorgeous and it's pretty easy to get her to show off her beautiful smile these days.  She really is so substantial now; a real growing baby girl.  I love her.  More and more often she is happy to be held by me but she still prefers her mother's arms above all others.  When I have her and she happens to fuss then I jokingly tell her that I am just going to keep on loving her until she loves me back.  Then I'll keep on loving her forever.  I say jokingly because as the parent of a baby without recognized formal language skills I have the privilege and right to  interpret her wants and needs as I choose.  And I choose to interpret about 60% of her every move and look that she makes as "I love you."  So by definition, mine, she already does love me (and her mother, but that's pretty obvious) to a tremendous degree, especially when considering the ratio of her love to her body weight.  Pretty impressive.  The other 40% of her communication I attribute as having something to do with breast milk.

Ana really is growing fast.  I remind myself to appreciate every moment of this because it will never come back.  I tell myself to take it all in because this moment is special and will soon pass.  I tell myself not to resent the passing moments because the coming moments will also be so special that I would not wish to miss or delay them.  Don't rush the now, and don't slow it down either, just take it all in.  This is especially true as we don't plan to have any other beauties though it would appear that we have a gift at making gorgeous lovable children.

My capacity to adore and love my children has increased since Ana was born but the time that I have to love and adore and appreciate has not increased.  I wonder if I give her enough time and attention as she deserves.  The work of parent is a little easier but it's difficult to get enough time for play and staring at each other in to fully satisfy what I imagine is an insatiable desire to consume every experience with these children and still find time to sleep and shower.  I maybe could pull this off for a third or a fourth child but I honestly don't know how parents of well loved children in very large families pull it off.  I guess it's partly due to the fact that one person is not doing all of the loving.  Between Tami and family and some friends my kids get a lot more love and attention than they would if I was the sole parent and family around for them.  Knowing that is comforting when I wonder if I give them enough.  I wonder often if I give Ana the attention she deserves when I can't imagine how it is as much as I gave to Enzo at this age.  Well, as long as I am able, they each can have all the love, attention, and affection I have to give and I'll hope that it's enough.

Phoenix, Arizona

(Enzo running in the free air conditioning of the mall.)

Our week long Phoenix, Arizona road trip vacation is well underway. We left Campbell, California at 5am on Monday morning and drove until we were about an hour east of LA where we spent the night. We don't want to keep the kids strapped into their car seats too long so we are making it a two day trip each way and stopping for hour long breaks once in a while. Yesterday we got into Phoenix in the afternoon and went over to my Nina's house and introduced her to Ana and Enzo. We also visited with some of our cousins there. Enzo was happy to be playing with his two and a half year old cousin Joe Joe. Enzo is so good at sharing, sometimes even offering to share things that are not his. He gave Joe Joe his toy cars to play with first, then his baby Mono (stuffed monkey) complete with direction on how to place the baby on the shoulder, pat the baby's back, and say "baby." Enzo literally demonstrated and then placed Mono on his cousin's shoulder. Then he tried to give his water bottle to his cousin but his cousin was not interested in Enzo's water bottle. From there Enzo thought it would be nice to share his cousins own shoes with him by constantly finding them, exclaiming "shoe" and then taking them over to Joe Joe who would kindly accept them and then throw them somewhere else away from Enzo's reach. Enzo managed to keep quite a bit of attention for himself by playing with and examining any button he could find. Cousin Sylvia and my Nina think he'll be an inventor with so much curiosity. Nina also commented several times on him being so good looking. While Enzo had the most look-at-me-play attention of my two kids, Ana stole the show for attention via adoration. Who could resist such a beautiful little girl?

Similar to Enzo, Ana is of a calm temperament but she does fuss a little more than her brother when she is hungry or uncomfortable. With me, she is comfortable often enough but much of the time I have to hold her lying belly down across my forearm. She is picky with me and she lets it be known if she is not content. She had her first shots last week and handled it well but she didn't like it and she let us know. Tami talked to her first in Spanish about what would happen and why it was important to get shots. Then I followed up in English with a similar explanation. When she did finally get the shot she wasn't very happy about it and she was more vocal about it than her brother. Thankfully it only took a minute after the three shots and the mouth drops to cuddle her before she was fine as if all were forgiven. My point of this, besides the update, is that I recognize I don't have quite the knack with my daughter yet as I do with making my son happy and comfortable at any time. Tami of course is a natural. Apparently, so are my Nina, Sylvia and Arlene. Ana was totally comfortable with them holding her yesterday and they didn't have to resort to the forearm-belly hold that I sometimes do either.

My patience in getting to know my daughter's particular tastes is paying off though. More often I'm able to help her be comfortable even if she is a little hungry. Admittedly, the majority of the time that takes the form of me having her for a limited time before handing my daughter over to Tami who always knows what to do. Sometimes Ana just needs to eat and only Tami can do that. The other times, the times when I'm able to make Ana content are happening more and more often, especially as Ana begins to go slightly longer stretches between eating. One of my favorite times together happened this morning while Tami was in the shower. I lay next to my beautiful girl as she woke from a nap and we just stared at each other for several minutes of perfect happy not-hungry or have-to-potty bliss. She is beautiful to look at and to be looked at by.

I think there was a similar progression with Enzo where it took some time for me to know that I could make him comfortable at any time. It's so far from where we are now though. Especially since Enzo can eat solid foods and I'm confident in taking him potty. Only Tami takes Ana potty. I'm not quite ready yet to feel I can hold her securely over her little potty. Tami started taking her potty right away since knowing what to do after teaching Enzo how to go potty. I told Tami I'll wait a little longer before taking her potty so that I can get a better idea of how to support her from watching Tami do it. I'm almost ready now. Of course, Ana can't use sign language to tell us she has to go as Enzo does now and we don't catch either of their needs to go every time.

I regularly remind myself when making observations about Enzo and Ana's differences that I have to compare Enzo of 16 months ago and that he has grown and developed dramatically in that time as has our relationship.

As for the trip. The kids seem to have handled the long drive well, to be enjoying the attention of their family here, and not to be too bothered by the 100+ degree weather we experience between the air conditioned car and the buildings.

It's good to be back in Phoenix. I miss the heat and my family here.

Granted, I have had a few high anxiety episodes on this trip so far and the heat, one of my triggers, has played a part. I remind myself that people live in this heat, that breathing hard and sweating while carrying a load of bags up a hill from the Colorado River is perfectly normal, that you can't actually die or pass out from panic attacks or anxiety, that anxiety spells go away and can not physically last more than several minutes, that I'm ok, that I used to find so much pleasure in road trips and the desert so I need to be aware of the present reality and not miss it by spending my time in anxious thoughts, and that the world is not a constantly dangerous and scary place despite the adrenaline inspired feelings to the contrary as it goes through my veins and reinforces the fearful looping thoughts in my mind.

At the border of California and Arizona is the Colorado River. The KOA campground has a little beach on the California side and we spent a nice long break there playing in the water yesterday. Both kids got their feet into the river, touching water that has been so far in it's travels through time and space, winding through some beautiful land along the way to greet my children's feet with coolness. It was awesome. I have often wanted to stop there and never have before so I was pretty happy to finally do so and with my family. The cool river felt so good on such a hot day. Enzo had a blast and I think he could have played in the river the whole day and been happy about it.

After showering the sand off of him, he took a nice nap as he and his sister rested in the KOA air conditioned play room. For some reason I started sweating profusely around that time and had the highest anxiety episode I have had in nearly two years. It took some time to let it pass and Tami helped me to process through the thoughts. It wasn't fun. Everything up to that was cool, but that episode pretty much sucked.

[Pause in writing. That was written Wednesday and now I'm continuing on Thursday. Kids take away quiet blog time. That's ok.]

Heat and sweat have helped keep my anxiety up. But not at all moments. There are times when I walk out into the hot dry air and I remember how much I love being here. Many other times though, I will notice that I am not having a problem and then feel like that fact, that state of being, is precarious. I am often feeling that I am either experiencing anxiety or am on a temporary reprieve, balanced barely along a precipice. Even thinking that sometimes makes me slide further into anxiousness.

I am also noticing that I am so often having a difficult time being relaxed. I can enjoy playing with my children. I can love hearing my son laugh and play with his mom in the hotel pool. But almost always I am feeling like I am on guard against danger as I need to protect them. Constantly on guard and not relaxed. There are exceptions but they seem too rare. Generally, my happiness comes from being with my children and watching and playing with them and my relaxation comes from knowing they are safely with their mother while I am elsewhere and can let my guard down. Not a sustainable plan. I'm hoping to discover that balance of responsible parenting and alertness without the heightened-threat feeling of being always on guard against imminent danger.

As I said, there are exceptions.

This morning Tami took Enzo down for breakfast and I stayed in the room with Ana. Soon she awoke and we lay together admiring the world. Then we played and walked around the room and enjoyed the morning. It was perfect and I was relaxed and that made it all the better to be able to totally appreciate my daughter. This time together on vacation has been good.

Also, today is Enzo's half birthday. Tami sang to him "happy half birthday to you..." in Spanish and he chuckled as he woke up this morning.

Overall I would say it's good to be in Arizona and I am glad to be visiting family. I'm grateful to have a life where I can spend so much time with my children. Anxiety sucks and this week is among the more challenging in a very long time. It's clouding my thinking a bit but it's the experience I'm having. So be it. Thankfully it's actually getting better, I'm feeling more in the moment today and less caught up in a loop of anxious thoughts. I'm lucky to have Tami here to help me process my anxieties. While my family here in Arizona has their own particular challenges, I am glad to be here and to see them as there is something comforting about proximity and watching my own children interact with the children of, and the family that is, an important part of my memories, values, and development. Even now, being here while they live their lives, listening to Nina, I learn by example.

Sleep-throws

I've never seen death-throws but I imagine them to be quieter and calmer than the sleep-throws I witnessed my son battle tonight.  While there were punctuated moments of silence, these were engulfed in wreathing and thrashing-about moments in which my son's body flailed and his head flopped against the otherwise peaceful organic mattress and causing the humanely harvested, sustainable forest certified, wooden slats that surround his head to be subjected to the only violent blows they had ever experienced since being gently felled on to a bed of lushness on a happy and sunny hillside in Oregon.  This hour long cacophonic process of falling to sleep was peppered with another occasional type of quiet moment here and there in which Enzo would look, quite naturally in the fading light, straight into my eyes with a neutralness that stated clearly that it was perfectly normal that he lie there briefly in a buddha-like sense of self possession and peace only a fraction of a moment after, and moments before, mimicking the sounds and motions of the tortured souls within the fantasized gates of eternal suffering that reside in certain dark imaginations.  Perfectly natural, indeed.  Amidst the noise and thrashing about sleep did sneak up unnoticed.  I am always amazed how it does this.  I have noticed before in the more typical off-to-sleep times how Enzo's singing and chatting with himself will suddenly be replaced with quiet, sleep having snuck up on him mid-story.  On occasion, like tonight, sleep will sneak up on everyone.  It is past midnight now when Tami and I have woken with Ana's requests for attention to find that we are dressed, in bed, and the lights are on in other rooms.  Enzo remains peaceful as an angel, body growing, memories forming, synapses exercising during his hard-earned sleep and dreaming of wooden blocks, zerberts, and laughing with his Mama while being held upside down by her.

More June

I've been working on living in the moment; being aware of now.  Either through success or because of the great challenge of living in the moment, I certainly haven't taken time to write on my reflections lately.  But I will say a little now and show a few pictures.

Ana is absolutely beautiful.  Every yawn is gorgeous.  When she looks at me I feel satisfied.  She is growing beautifully and I love her.

Enzo smiles like sunshine.  I want to buy whatever he's selling.  Thankfully he sells nothing and gives away free hugs.  When he snuggles in for a hug it makes me feel like I'm getting hugged all over each and every molecule.  A complete and engulfing snuggle.  It's like the fondest memory of peace and comfort and love.

These kiddos are beautiful.  Tami is beautiful.  It's still amazing how we created two such perfectly beautiful and happy children.  What are the odds?  Lucky Mud.

 My flower.

 My girls.

Enzo playing in a stream.

So beautiful!

It was time to sell Val.  We have been so many places together and have had so many good memories.  However, my motorcycle touring days are behind me, and perhaps there are some ahead of me as well.  But while the kids are so young at home, the peace that comes from riding long and far alone on a bike has more loneliness then I care to appreciate at this point in my life.  It's a change that happened of it's own and one that I'm willing to listen to.  Perhaps in the future, when I have collected much more to contemplate, the long road will call me back.  Tami and I said goodbye to Val and thought of new adventures on new toys to come.

 Oh, RC, such a perfect sport bike.  Alas, it was time to say goodbye to this exquisite machine as well.  I have never ridden a more perfectly tuned bike than this.  I can't believe I let myself sell this bike.  It's such a perfect sport bike.  But this is a different time in life and the money from the RC will not be squandered.  And so, the search for a certain new and exciting four wheeled toy begins.... More to come on that when the search is over.

The first of the new toys is arrived.  The coolest motorcycle I have ever owned!  Surely this will appear in future posts and pictures here.  This is a 1967 Norton Atlas and it is AWESOME!  I am loving this bike.  I feel so similar to when I rode my first motorcycle.  This bike is absolutely-exactly the bike for me right now.  It's just so cool! It's just so interesting to ride and to start and to park and to look at and to apply a wrench to.  It is the exact bike for my new motorcycling adventures.  It is awesome.  It is everything I wanted and didn't know I wanted in a bike right now.  It's like a new favorite hat but cooler because it's a super-cool motorcycle.

Watching Papi kick start the Norton through the kitchen window.

My little Ana asleep on a walk.

Enzo walking the Los Gatos creek trail.

Hello Beautiful Girl!

Tami and Ana in Capitola.  Being with my family at the beach was all I wanted for Father's Day and it was such a perfect day.  Last year was my first Father's Day and I had one child.  This year was my second and I had two children.  Tami assures me this is the last year of such numerical coincidence.

Enzo laughing with Mama on a hot day with his sister.

When I met Tami she talked about her car that she bought brand new after college and how much she loved it.  Her 1998 Chevy Cavalier.  She said she would keep it until 100,000 miles.  Then, when she hit 100k she decided she would keep it longer and see it at 200,000 miles.  With less than 500 miles to go, and an engine that has never been taken apart, the car is almost there.  But, Tami decided to give it to her dad for Father's day instead.  Enjoy Harold.

Look at this kid!

Happy at bath time and getting every bit of joy out of every available splash.