(At Java Junction Coffee shop in Santa Cruz)
It's a favorite time of year for me. It's my month. I look forward to October. It started years ago with a motorcycle ride on my birthday to Santa Cruz. Over the years more and more parts were added to the tradition and then eventually some parts were turned into optional parts. The core part of the event is that I take a work day off, go to Santa Cruz and contemplate. I reflect on where I have been, where I am, and where I want to go. This takes hours. And it has turned into a special holiday for me. This in addition to the big day where my grandma makes, or my sister makes with my grandma's help, spaghetti and meatballs for me to celebrate my birthday. Yum! So delicious that I crave the meal for days in advance to where I can almost taste the sauce and meatballs. Well, the more and more I looked forward to my birthday and celebrating it with friends and family and reflection and spaghetti over the years... Well, it just seemed like too big an event not to spread out to become a birthmonth event. So here I am, the month of October as my officially sanctioned time to consciously view the world from a Randy-centric perspective; to enjoy myself completely and to think about what that means to me. These are my personal holy days.
Well, one and a half weeks into this orange month and it is clear that exactly every single day has been special. And to my wife whom I know reads this, a special thank you. Thank you for somehow buying into the importance of this big month and helping me to make the most of it each year. And thank you for the delicious dinner and then breakfast last week when I was able to sit back and enjoy food and family in luxury. Sunday, yesterday, I was in a little bit of a funk but that happens. Every other day has been quite especially blissful and even on Sunday I got to see my daughter sit up often and my son play. Even in a bit of a funk I can be a part of myself. The other October days thus far have included friends and family and grandma's spaghetti and meatballs and my favorite of grandma's salsas and Santa Cruz and reflection and me just being and thinking and being grateful and feeling quite fortunate. I am lucky mud.
My Santa Cruz reflection day this October was several days ago. It was a beautiful day. I took some time to read my birthmonth reflections of the last three years, let them settle, and started writing my reflections for this new year of my life. My personal new year. It was fun to read about how I was going to have a baby and how excited I was. And then about how I was going to have another baby and how excited I was again and how much I loved my son and how I was looking forward to meeting my daughter. Only I didn't know yet that she was a daughter. It was interesting to see how some things have changed with my thoughts and hopes and how some things are exactly the same over these three years.
This year I wrote about several events when looking back over the year and especially about my two beautiful children. I was able to take note of where I am in the world now and what I think about being here. And in looking at where I want to go next it is clear to see the continuation of a trend from last year in which I am becoming increasingly content and grateful with where I am and who I am in relation to where I would like to be and who I would like to be. They are lining up more and more. This means several things. On the plus side I am increasingly satisfied with life. On the interesting change side, I am decreasingly interested in regular dramatic change in my life. For several years my identity, as viewed by me, was partially based on dramatic and regular change and the questing for change. It's not as though I now quest for stability but I certainly appear to be increasingly wanting exactly what it is that I have.
And so I wrote my reflections for October 2011. I, for some reason, don't feel appropriate writing those reflections on the web though I imagine they will last longer on the web then in the various journals I happen to pick up each year to write in. And I admit that I hope my children will read those journals as well as this blog when they are older. Still, I enjoy writing with a pen onto paper when in Santa Cruz and that's where most of those words will remain for now. There is one interesting revelation from the day's writing that I would like to write here about my children, however.
...As if one were not perfectly beautiful to be in the presence of, both together are magnificent. It is different though. Alone they are these fantastic creatures. Together they are this new thing- they are this relationship that they have. It's not exactly mine. It's not mine to admire what "I" have. It's mine in the moment to appreciate what they have. It's their treasure. My treasure is being able to see it and love it and be there. Theirs to be in the moment. They are lucky mud.