Tami asked me last night what was the saddest part to me about my Nana
dying. I told her I didn't feel like answering questions that were to
get me to talk about my feelings right now. She said she was just
asking a question that came to her. So, I thought and I answered.
The saddest part for me about my grandmother dying is the finality of
it. She is gone. I can't change that. I can't choose a path that makes
that any different. My Nana is dead.
When my grandpa died, my Tata, I was not at all prepared. It was too
soon. He was still too young. That was 25 years ago. It's different
with my grandma. These are two people whom I love with a tremendous
portion of my heart and mind. In the last year my Nana's body was
tired and wearing out. My grandma had lived quite a life, as had my
grandpa, and my Nana had an extra 25 years after my Tata died to put
life into perspective.
I'm sad and hurt that my Nana is gone. I'm not in as much sadness and
pain as I know I have yet to go through. It may take a while to come
out. It took me a while with my Tata, too.
What am I trying to get at here? I'm sad. I love my Nana. I know I
have not yet gotten trough to fully feel and accept my sadness.
Somehow, as critically important to my life experience that my Nana
was, I also feel that this is an experience I am better prepared for
because I came to terms with loosing my grandma before I lost her.
That's it. That's what I am recognizing. From a personal experience, I
am grateful and more comfortable because I came to terms with my
grandmother's death before she died. And I feel that she came to terms
with this, too. In no death experience for me previous, have both of
those factors been so.
This does not change that when I fully tap into my feeling of loss and
pain, it will be.... well, sad.... Yet, it won't be as uncomfortable,
I suspect, to experience all of the sadness as it would otherwise have
been.
I am grateful for the years we had together. I am extra grateful for
the years we lived in the same house. I am grateful for the love and
nurturing that my Nana gave to me. And it is a lot. I am grateful for
the understanding of humanity, fallibility, good intentions,
unconditional love, and altruism that have become a part of my
knowledge and experience because of this woman I love; my Nana.
So much to feel. So much to consider. So much to think. Thankful for
all the love, all the hugs, all the kisses, all the times Nana rubbed
my back. Wow, for all that I loved her, she sure loved me a lot more.
Were it tangible it must have dwarfed my love for her though I love
her so much. It's awesome to have mattered that much to someone. I
tried to let her know she mattered that much to me when I said
goodbye.