Making Noise

(Picnicking at Vasona Park.)

Enzo has two sounds figured out now.  Ma and Ba.  Listening to him will often include "Ma ma ma .... Ba ma ma ma...  Ba ba ma... Ma." It's very fun to listen to.  These two sounds, and a couple other tendencies, seem to have sprung up within a week and a half.  Other neat developments in the world of Enzo include him moving his tongue a lot; rolling it around his mouth and lips.  Also, he stands without holding on to things.  Yeah. He stands there, on his own, where ever "there" happens to be.  Big-time stuff.  As for standing, it has not been without costs.  My beautiful son has a little bruise on each cheek and a faded one on his forehead.  They don't seem to bother him.  He's gotten more adventurous and these little scuffs are a part of it.  He is adorable.

(Shea and Nicole joined us.)

Standing on his own involves climbing up to vertical along any surface; my knee, a table, a chair.  Then, just letting go and looking around.  Seconds later usually involves a little bump-to-the-rump landing, and Enzo taking off in a new direction of exploration.  All of this is pretty exciting, extremely entertaining, and truly fascinating.  It's difficult not to get most excited about the "Ma ma ma" sounds. So close to a spoken word.  So close to one of those definable human qualities we hold so dear.  These particular sounds do not yet seem to hold meaning for him.  Though, Enzo is already communicating with sounds and that is clear to me.  I know when he wants to be left to crawling on in a specific direction, when he wants more food, and when he wants to pee.  These messages come primarily from his sounds though movement does accompany.  We are definitely getting beyond just reading his body language to understand his needs and moving into that new arena of Enzo knowing what he wants and him trying to communicate that want to us.  It's not all worked out yet, this new-to-him vocal communication, but he's working on it. The comprehension appears to develop quicker then the ability to speak.  This is better than any documentary.

The ascent of man, in fast forward motion, plays for me through my son.

Baby Cheeks

Who doesn't like babies?  I smile at babies. I'm happy for people when they have babies..... most of the time.  But I never really got excited to see baby pictures or even really cared much in general about other people's children unless they were students or family or friends.  Intuitively, I knew babies were a big deal so I respected them and smiled for them and generally felt good knowing they were out there.

Since having more direct experience with the birth of a child I get much more excited for people.  I have gotten literally giddy for hugely pregnant women, any-day-now women, when I see them.  I am full of pleasure when I see a happy baby with parents.  It's neat to be able to sense the reality of the specialness in a child's existence where before it was a bit more vague.  And this led to the following...
The principal of my school has a very cute picture in her office of her grand daughter with those adorable cheek proportions only available to babies.  Because I get excited about such things, I actually noticed the cheeks recently.  Seeing them I can almost feel my son's cheeks when I kiss them, almost see my son in my mind's eye and his beautiful cheeks.  Which got me to thinking.

The little baby in the Principal's office photo is not as little any more.  Over four years old in fact.  Those baby cheeks have been replaced with an entirely new set of beautiful cheeks.  What we learn in one situation transfers, for better or worse.  I have, I believe, 8 framed pictures of my son in my office.  All of them make me think of my beautiful boy that I get to see when I get home.  But someday..... someday those pictures will not be reminders of the little cutie at home that I can see in minutes and kiss and hold and love and enjoy.  Someday, those pictures will be memories of what cheeks USE to be at home waiting for their loving father to see and kiss and love and smoosh with affection.  Someday, these photos that tell me in their 8 thousand words "go home..." will whisper "look at this... do you remember when.....?"

I may not be ready to let these moments go.  As if I have a choice.  I love every kiss.

I see another reason why some people have babies instead of baby, I see another reason why my mom has wanted a grandchild since way before I knew what a girlfriend really was.  Our brains never let us recollect with perfect fidelity so we carry on and recreate.  How can we not become addicted to creating such beauty.  Will I begin to think of grandchildren as soon my youngest has teenage cheeks?

Happy 8 Months!

Lonely at The Middle

I'm far from "The Top," but I wonder if I have a little insight into why it may be lonely there.  It's not for the reason I expected.

I feel a new sense of loneliness as an element in my job.  I expected that I would not be able to share all of my thoughts with my teacher friends at work as an administrator because I would know things not to be shared.  I am prepared for relations to change because my role is different.  How they will change I will not know for a while.  The beginning of a school year is too busy in any role to be exceedingly social.

The lonely feeling I have found already is the result of contemplation and mental processing.  As a teacher, in an entire academic year I may learn of a student that I have with personal or family issues.  A couple of students at most. I may deal with a couple of unhappy parents or know of a conflict with a teacher.  That's when I had less than 200 students, their parents, and many colleagues in a year to interact with to any significant degree.  Now, there are well in excess of 1,000 students to concern myself with.  That's a lot of parents.  All of the teachers are now professionals whom I deal with as such and not just coworkers with whom I socialize or collaborate with.  In just two weeks I have had serious conversations with several students and teachers.  In just two weeks I have had to process significant concerns of multiple students, and to a far lesser extent, teachers.  For comparison, in 8 years as a teacher I have rarely received the email that lets teachers of a particular student know to be aware that a major tragedy has struck the family of a student in that teacher's class. Now I have written that email and it is no easy task, no standard human response, to think of the facts in a students tragedy solely as logistics.  I find my capacity of compassion used on a regular basis.  For each significant case, I am aware of these human lives so important and I know that I have the opportunity to make a positive, detrimental, or neglectful impact.  These are real people dealing with very real circumstances from death of a parent to feeling as though he or she can not learn or feeling as though he or she has a problem with another and lacks the tools to deal with the problem.

Everyone of these humans deserves my attention and I am not overtaxed in my ability to provide as much as I currently know how to give.  But with each situation of such caliber, I require an amount of energy and quiet to process for myself.  I do have friends and family and colleagues who laugh with me and joke with me, listen to me and allow me to listen to them.  The loneliness comes from the additional need to sit quiet in my mind while I process the death of a parent, the stress of knowing not what to do, the clash of home life and school life, the culture shock of middle school versus elementary school, and much more.  I am not lonely in a physical way.  Yet, I feel lonely more often as I spend time more often weighing situations not mine, deciding how best I can be human in return, and processing those thoughts, feelings, and emotions after each situation.

And so, even with excellent friends and family, it is a bit lonely in "The Middle."

Getting Clear Again

 

(Enzo with his cup after eating.)

I have begun the second week of work, with students present, this academic year.  It has been quite an experience and I have been adapting as quickly as possible to my new role in education as vice principal.  Luckily I am well supported; the principal and one of the other assistant principals have held my exact position before (we have three vice principals with different primary responsibilities at my school) and they both make themselves available to help me.  Also, I have had a couple months of work in the summer to learn.

Still, I have lost myself a few times in the work to the point of feeling ungrounded.  I have felt some anxiety on occasion with some triggers being work stress and others being nothing to do with the job.  Today, for example, was quite hot, a trigger of mine, and while I was sweating in my shirt and tie I did have to work through anxious thoughts that I might end up in a panic attack.  It never came.  It has been much of a year since I have had a full panic attack and I have become good at dealing with anxiety most of the time.  On occasions that I am not so good, as was the case last Friday, my lovely wife is there for me.  As are several good people who have assured me that I may call on them at any time I feel my anxiety rising.  This Friday, Tami was there to help me work through my anxiety.

It was the high anxiety I felt Friday night that helped me in a way.  It meant that I gave myself excuse to spend as much of Saturday as possible appreciating my son and wife and avoiding any responsibility or concern that did not deal directly with our time together.  That prepared me for Sunday when I did just enough around the house and at work to feel responsible, to get a grip on my reality, and to feel a sense of peace and so take a look around me.  I never seem to realize I'm not myself until I'm me again, looking around and appreciating the world with some version of my general perspective.  A perspective that includes knowing my family and my experience is more important than achieving any self-, or otherwise, established deadline.  It all prepared me for a better today.  In essence, I felt less desperate to accomplish any task today though still effective at my tasks, more myself, appreciative of my surroundings, happier and present.  Even in dealing with anxiety during the heat today I was far more myself than I had been last week.  I woke up with plans to get to work early but I was totally okay with getting there at a regular time; giving Tami my fool attention when we had reason to chat this morning and love each other.  After school let out, I was fairly efficient and, not spending a ridiculous amount of extra time at work, I arrived home completely awake.  Last week most of our evenings together uncharacteristically involved prepared food, late night eating, and zombie-like unwinding with a television after a bit of chatting.  Today I washed dishes, Tami prepared a meal, and Enzo sat in his high chair serenading us with his various sounds between eating avocado.  Then, Enzo and I spent a couple of hours playing with no sounds other than our own.  It was a great time.

It's late now, and I am tired, but I am also me being tired.  I was there today when my body worked, talked with Tami, washed dishes, played with Enzo, and as I write this post.  I know what the air smells like, I know what my skin feels like.  I remember how good my son's skin smelled as I kissed him tonight.  I remember how much I loved my wife as we talked about big things in life.  I've been too far from myself, and too tired anyway, to be philosophical lately.  But today, I felt the satisfaction of being, doing what I needed to do, experiencing what was mine to experience, and enjoying the extra treat of spending my evening as a family with Tami and Enzo.  It's good to be here.  And, writing this, taking stock through words, felt very good.

Mind of his Own

Looking at this picture you may say to yourself:

Wow, I can see here that Enzo.. and he is ADORABLE... is not correctly in his car seat.  He appears to have stood up in his car seat to talk to his mom and to only be distracted by the camera taking his picture.  Yes, yes it is quite clear that when his father placed his baby boy in the car seat, rather than sit without resistance as he did in the old days of January... or even July of this year... Enzo simply decided to squirm, twist, stand and then begin a smiling and cooing conversation with his mother despite his father's efforts.  It's also quite clear to any logical mind, you don't have to be Sherlock to see it here, that 1) His father must have been laughing and enjoying this event rather than forcing his will, and 2) His father has simply spoiled the boy by taking thousands of pictures of him  to the point where The Kid simply stops to pose for every photo op.

And, yes, you would be correct.


Why I am still smiling after the longest day of work so far this school year:

One of the best experiences in a day is to hear this kid laugh.  It's especially excellent to start him laughing, it's not difficult to do, and then to keep it going until it turns into a long string of loud from-the-core laughs and shrieks punctuated by pauses of anticipation until the next kiss/snuggle/silly-face comes in to release another set.  Tami is very good at this with Enzo.  She is also great at laughing loudly for no discernible reason until Enzo get's caught up in her laughter and starts laughing and yelling out in extreme joy himself.  He can't possibly know what his mother is laughing about but the site and sound is a good enough reason for him to celebrate and join in.   These are the best, most rejuvenating, and healing sounds that nature can provide.

Here is The Kid playing peek-a-boo with his mom.  We were camping with friends on the coast in Mendocino County while celebrating our 5 year anniversary.

5

Here is to 5 excellent years my love.

Happy Anniversary.

Likes and a Dislike From This Week

 
I like the way my freshly bathed baby looked so content and cozy being wrapped in his towel and cuddled in my arms tonight.

I liked how adorable my freshly dried and naked baby was when he decided he didn't want daddy to put on a diaper as it was far more interesting to twist around and play naked.

I like the way he plays with more purpose now.  He looks at things, touches them, pounds on them, examines them now.  His attention span on an object is considerably longer and he does not always attempt to put all things in his mouth at all times but appears to be intrigued by looking at and testing the object he is playing with.  Often the object is a chair or remote control.

I like the way waking up lately has not been a simple process of opening his eyes but a mini production that lasts minutes.  It does not begin with opening eyes but with grunts and sounds as he stretches, twists, rolls over, arches, pushes himself up, lays back down, rubs his face, and then tests the light with his eyes.  It's a beautiful free flowing ritual.  Today, Maggie, our feline friend, jumped on the bed just after Enzo's eyes were opened.  He loves animals.  He gets quite excited and smiles and giggles when he sees them and he did the same this time.  But his excitement outweighed his muscle control which comes to him over several minutes when waking.  His eyes went wide and his smile did the same.  He pushed himself to touch her but made it only a fraction of the distance on the bed and came down into a soft blankety world of grogginess, smile intact.  In short time he was ready to mount another expedition of half a foot but Maggie had gone on to follow her own muse leaving Enzo to find his interests stimulated by the pillows, blankets, and dad that he had beside him.  He looked quite satisfied with what he had.

I didn't like the fear I felt during dinner.  Enzo had coughed a few times while eating rice cereal followed by him looking up with mouth open, still, and not making a sound for what was probably only 2 seconds.  In that time a horrible feeling of fear spread through me with the preparation to act if he was choking.  He wasn't and all was perfectly within the realm of normal.  But, I disliked that feeling of fear pervading my body, radiating from my heart outward as adrenaline infused my blood.  I was simultaneously scared, refreshing my mind on what I had learned in CPR class, and calculating the most efficient way to extract him from his high chair and get him into position over my arm.  The mammalian brain is a fascinating device.  I have done well in my life to separate myself from attachment to material objects through logic and rational thinking.  Doing this has saved me considerable stress in life and made for more interesting adventures.  But no logic I can try persuades me to remove even the slightest attachment of my being to my son, not even to relieve myself of stress.  My only peace comes in being with him or knowing that he is with his mother.  This is an attachment I shall have to deal with but one that I am willing to excuse so early in my fatherhood.  Perhaps the change will come naturally and is part of my normal evolution in this roll.

I like knowing there are places I can go and be as comfortable as I care to be like I was last weekend when Enzo played in the pool for the first time at Matt and Mitra's house.

I like the excitement in Tami's voice when she called me at work Wednesday to tell me that she just watched Enzo pull himself up from the floor to standing for the first time by holding on to our bed.  This is one trick he seems to have really taken to as he pulls himself up to, or nearly to, a standing position often now.

I very much liked receiving another call from Tami that afternoon telling me that she just watched Enzo crawl for the first time!  And, though I wasn't there, I would get to watch him do it!  Enzo had been playing with his Grandma Phyllis on the floor and playing with a wooden truck that his Grandpa Hun had gotten for him.  Tami pulled out her phone to video record him pushing the giant truck around but he stopped playing with it when she got the video going.  Luckily she kept recording because he then crawled for the first time.  He's been army crawling, pulling/pushing himself around with his belly sliding on the floor, for a while.  But this was his first torso-in-the-air locomotion.  And without further ado, presented for your viewing pleasure.... Ta-Daaaaaa....

Stern Grove (*Updated)

I've been officially an Assistant Principal for three weeks now.  It's what I think I would like to write about but under limited wakefulness I am drawn more to write about my son with the words my waning wakefulness can afford to spare.  In brief, he is super.

(Enzo at Stern Grove in his Frog clothes.)

 This last weekend we went to Stern Grove in San Francisco.  Through out the summer, on each Sunday, concerts and performances are put on for free at this park.  This has been going on since the 30's.  Mrs. Stern donated the park and headed the organization to ensure that the public would have a chance to see for free the arts that are not always available to all.  You can read more here and see the schedule. It's the only place that the San Francisco Ballet will perform out of doors each year.  Tami and I found the event years ago when we wanted to see the San Francisco Symphony perform.  We simply brought a blanket and were amazed to see hundreds of people enjoying lavish picnics with plates of fruit, salads, sandwiches, and bottles of wine.  Ever since, we try to make several performances per summer and we are way better prepared than on that first occasion.  Like so many, we show up hours before the performance begins and enjoy a leisurely picnic, sometimes with friends, and chat away the San Francisco Sunday until the show begins.  The shows are very diverse and include poets, plays, ballet, and music from classical to popular groups like They Might Be Giants who will perform this summer.  On this last Sunday, we heard an impressive guitarist from Spain and his group named DePedro as the openers.  I loved their music!  The headline performance was a French group called Caravan Palace that combined synthesizers, string instruments, and more to create trippy jazz/swing/dance music.  Going to Stern Grove is like a sampling of culture from far and near whose common thread is a stage.  Our friend Tom met us for the last portion of the show and then spent the rest of the day in The City with us.  We had a great time.

(Enzo always likes hanging with Tom.)

 (You can see his first tooth in this one.)
(*Update: Just hours after publishing this post, we discovered over breakfast that Enzo now has two teeth!  His front two, center bottom, teeth are now growing out past the gum.)

 Though I've been working for the first summer in years, we've managed to enjoy ourselves very well.  We've had several friends over for dinner (I can not imagine how I did not pull out my camera on those days), visited with family, gone on walks through town, watched Enzo continue to enjoy the world and people, celebrated important birthdays, helped The Kid with his teething, helped me with my now removed wisdom teeth, talk, play, and love each other.  My favorite parts of these days besides the above continue to be the mornings where Tami, Enzo and I have time to wake up slowly and chat in bed.  Oddly, or I suppose, quite naturally, the more time I spend with them in the morning the more I miss them during my day.  It's VERY nice to have a reason to miss being somewhere with 'someone-s'.

(I feel that there are words captured in this snapshot of a gesture.)

Enzo also supports himself sitting now.  This has opened up the world of high chairs and the wonderful world of sitting face to face.  A couple of days ago, just as Anne, Perry, and their lovely three month old daughter Gwynn were arriving, I turned to see where my lying down baby boy had been to find my sitting up baby boy playing with the radio.  Awesome!  I missed and can not guess at how he did it by himself but I was very excited.  I look forward to watching him do it again someday.  The first time we sat upright and face to face on the floor Enzo appeared to assess the situation and then just laugh while looking up at me.  That's exactly the good feeling that was going through my mind as I took in the scene.  It was novel and giddy.  Admittedly, this kid laughs a lot.  I suppose the whole world is novel to him.  It's contagious; that feeling of joy goes through my mind regularly when I am with him or thinking of him.

The Growing Enzo

 

Enzo has his own cup now, and he loves it.  As soon as he sees it he throws both hands out to grab it and hold it as we help him drink from it.  It's cute.  I'm surprised how excited he gets about drinking from the cup and I sit trying to think of an explanation but I can't come up with one.  He is only drinking breast milk or a very small serving of water from it when he is eating solid food.

Well, that's not all of the news.  Tami called me yesterday at work to tell me that she saw his first tooth popping out!  As they were at the A's game when I got home, and Enzo was asleep when he got home, I had to wait until this morning to see the tooth for myself when Tami got him laughing.  A small white tooth has broken through on the bottom, just to his right of center.  It's exciting.  In a short period of time Enzo has added solids, a spoon, a cup, a tooth, and a whole different type of solid-food-eating baby poop.  So far he is eating organic plums from his Grandma Phyllis' house and organic avocados from Whole Foods.  Eating is an interesting production, thankfully.  Viewed any other way than as a bonding and entertaining time the event would look like quite a chore.  There is no 'fast food' experience in such a simple meal for this new-to-the-world-of-solid-foods eater.  When people were giving us used items for our son I thought, "We'll never use all of these bibs but I guess we'll have options."  Oh, we will use all of those bibs.  It's one bib per meal and that bib is saturated in food and drink when The Kid is done with it.  It's more interesting to watch and help him eat then watching anything on TV.

I'll throw in a couple of photos from the 4th of July weekend below.  For those interested, I add photos to the picture links on this blog often even if I don't post a blog.  Right now those links are at the top right of this post and you'll find that clicking on the 'Life Pics,' for example, will lead you to a '2010' year link with over 200 pictures in mostly chronological order from just this year.

 (4th of July Parade in Fremont.)

(Playing in the light of a sky light.)

(Happy Birthday Nicole!)

(Stop in Santa Cruz for breakfast during a motorcycle ride.)

(BBQ at the Gomez's new house.)

(Enzo enjoying the Gomez's BBQ.)

(Me doing the same.)

Eating Solids.... And a Little Bit of Finger Painting

How does a 1/2 year old follow up his big 1/2 birthday?  This one did it by eating solid food for the first time.  It was a mesmerizing experience, even more so then I would have expected.  I was enthralled, entertained, and fascinated by the event.  This morning Enzo ate mashed up avocado.  Then he did it again when I got home.  Tami looked up a list of appropriate foods to start babies on and avocado was on the list.  The list and rules of starting babies on solids is actually a bit more complicated than I imagined.  In essence, it boils down to picking one of the acceptable foods, a food that has a very low probability of causing an allergic reaction, and feeding that to a child for four to six days, a couple of times each day.  Then, if all goes well, a new food is added to the meal rotation for four to six days, and so on.  Tami also suggested that we let Enzo learn to feed himself so we did the second meal and while it explains some of the avocado on The Kid's face, I was surprised at how well he controlled the spoon.  Reflecting, it makes sense as he has two uses for his hands and arms that he practices most often; pushing his body and bringing items to his mouth.  It really was SO fun to help him and watch him eat the avocado.  Hours after both events and subsequent thorough cleanings, we continue to find avocado smudges on him.  Here is some video.

The First Meal.

The Second Meal.

Enzo's 1/2 Birthday

Notice the Sun way out in space, up in our sky.  Think about the vast space surrounding the sun, within Earth's orbit.  Look past the sun to the space beyond it.  When the Earth is all the way on the opposite side of that Sun in the sky, when we have traveled millions of miles through space and around to get to that other side, that will be Enzo's 1 year birthday.

And on that day 6 months in the future when you look past the sun to contemplate the space beyond it, you will be looking to this point where we are at right now.

1/2 an orbit since, and my days are full of loving this beautiful son Enzo.

Trying on Styles and Personalities

Remember finding yourself?  Well, that's too big for this post.  Remember starting to look for yourself?  It may have happened around your middle school years.  It did with me.

Tami and I recently found the movie Breakin' on cable and watched it for nostalgic reasons.  The first time I watched that movie it was an early pre-middle-school peek for me at testing identities.  I didn't really try to be a break dancer but I recognized that I wanted to know how to break dance because that was cool and I paid attention to the style associated with break dancers as they were portrayed to me.  Watching the movie two days ago was just funny.  Movies like it are still being made for new generations with similar story lines and acting.  In middle school I actually thought that somewhere in our world people would converge around a random dancer in the street and wriggle and clap to the beat in awe of the dancer.  I'm still waiting to see this happen kind of like I'm waiting for all the students at my work to spontaneously break into choreographed dance and song. 

After that time period came the middle school years of my life and the trial of various identities began.  It was that strange time in my development where I, as most of us did, would try on different personas to see what fit.  For me that translated into skateboarder, surfer, all black clothes mysterious dude, sunglasses, loafers, shoes without socks, flannel, attachés, slacks, and.. well, I think those are most of the styles and accompanying personalities I tried on at the time.  Note, I tried on the styles and personalities, not the skills.  I could barely stay on a skateboard and the only surfing in my life were the pictures on my surfer t-shirts.  It was a valuable time for me.  It was also just the beginning.  Next came the trying on of different philosophies, opinions, and world views beginning in high school and peaking in college.  That was when I began the quest to learn from as many interesting people as I could talk to at coffee shops, as many interesting song lyrics as I could decipher, and as many books as I could consume.  By that point, I was not only trying on but taking off some of the views I had inherited from my upbringing to see what life was like without them.

There were three misconceptions that I had about the identity search process I was going through when I was young.  It's okay, it was part of my experience, but they were misconceptions according to my current perspective.
1) I was in a crisis situation; I needed to find an identity as I was lacking one.
- I wasn't in a crisis without an identity.  I was in a normal process of developing my identity.
2) I was searching for an identity to suit me for life.
- I was testing identities to suit me for the time of my life that I was in and those facets of identity would not necessarily serve me for ever; I could evolve.
3) I was looking for the real truth.
- It's possible to find something is incorrect, but different perspectives make sense for different people in different situations and that includes family, friends, strangers, and my self.  I was really just searching for perspectives to make up a malleable world view that worked.

Now in my 30's, it would seem that the majority of the trying on, taking off, adjusting and trying on again is in the past.  I find myself more often satisfied to fine tune that which I have already found to fit me well.  That's why it's so fun to have the opportunity, at my age, to try on different styles, personas, and perspectives.  At this point in my life it's not as simple as buying a pair of Vans shoes and walking around for a while.  That's where Matt has provided me with a golden opportunity.  What's it like to be one of those guys driving a cool old VW Bus?  Now I know.  What about a slammed Bug?  Got it.  And now, how about a muscle car?  Maybe a '68 Plymouth GTX?  Excellent.  In middle school I just couldn't borrow a buddy's Airwalks, GT bike, and talent.  But if you are ridiculously fortunate as an adult in the opportunities presented to you as I have been, your friend just might offer you to take care of his GTX while he is in Mexico for a week.  What a difference in driver experience and conversations with strangers that GTX made in my days.  These are not just superficial experiences to me.  I believe that I better understand others who make different choices for their every day lives and don't just borrow the style for a week.  I've been thinking a lot about those decisions we make out of habit as with vehicles, homes, clothing, opinions, politics, etc.  If, for example, I were to go buy a car two years ago I would have bought the nicest car I could afford that was practical at the dealership.  Now I'm thinking: What is interesting out there, what could I lower, what would look good with Mexican blankets as seat covers, what would be entertaining to drive The Kid around in, what would make the commute to work into a cruise to work?  And from that I go on to questions such as: Why live close to work when there are so many interesting places to live that are close enough?  Why wear the same type of clothes when not working?  Why not question the simple and obvious decisions I make to see where there is room to add some color and adventure to the mundane?.  Good questions.  Thanks Matt, for another adventure in self discovery and a week of driving the coolest car everywhere I went.

K.C. Trip Day 8

Home Sweet Home.

K.C. Trip Day 7

We went to the Kansas City Royals game today.  Yes, as you see in the picture, Tami brought Enzo's A's stuff for the game.  She makes me laugh.  Then again, I learned that they were the Kansas City A's before moving to Oakland.  Tami picked up a cool KC Athletics green and yellow hat at the stadium.  What a great stadium.  There is a Royals Hall of Fame, a great video screen, and an extensive kids area with games and activities.  Neat.  Tami likes to see games at various stadiums when we travel so she was very excited that our trip coincided with the Royals playing.  Royals won and we had a good time with family, ten of us in all.  I think Uncle Tito enjoyed his birthday. 

It's been so fun living in this busy house and seeing family come and go every day.  I'll miss this.  I'll also be glad to get back to our family and friends in California tomorrow.  Vacations are awesome. 

Tami and I just remembered that Father's day is almost here and it will be my first as a father.  When I think of it, the opportunity to spend so much of my time with my child like this is the greatest gift and opportunity I could imagine as a father.

K.C. Trip Day 6

Enzo and Tami had their first Waffle House experience!  That's how we started our day.  But first things first.

Enzo got a good night's sleep last night and had plenty of energy today.  His mocos have dried up so his nose is done dripping.  All that appears left of the cold is the occasional cough with that phlem sound but those have been far fewer.  We are glad.  Enzo never looked too uncomfortable but it still affects us to hear his coughs and sneezes so we're glad that this cold is almost passed.  Meanwhile, he is constantly loved, played with, held, kissed, and told how adorable he is by all of his family out here.  He is a lucky and well loved child.

Okay, back to The Waffle House.  It's safe to say that the place is not Tami's kind of breakfast place but she made her best effort to smile for me while I enjoyed it.  Enzo was pretty happy to see his dad enjoying his scattered, smothered, covered, and diced hash browns.  Yes, indeed.  Also, coffee, eggs, and grits.  There was no room for sweet tea or pie but you just can't cram the whole experience in to one event.  You know?

After that we finished picking up the tamale ingredients and headed back to the family's house.  Yum, home made tamales!  They were a hit.  A pretty good day.

K.C. Trip Day 5

Enzo caught his first cold.  Well, that's my amature assessment. Acording to the infinite knowledge of the internet, one may expect a baby to catch 4 to 10 of them in the first year as they build their immunities to the common cold strains.  The symptoms seem to match. Tami thinks it is possibly alergies to the pollen, etc. that we are encountering out here.  The symptoms are so similar and the internet does not settle such debates absolutely.  Either way, The Kid has sniffles, occasional cough, occasional teary eyes, and plenty of mocos (what my family calls boogers or nasal mucus).  Still, he smiles when people give him attention and that's rather often.  Actually, he looks and acts normal except for the occasioanl signs and discomfort from congestion. He does not like having his mocos wiped from his nose and face, that is for sure. The main discomfort is that neither he, Tami, nor I had the best sleep last night and that has made all three of us a little more tired today.

We did manage an outing today with some family.  We made it to the Nelson Atkins Art Museum in Kansas City, Missouri.  It's great.  Tami and I had spent several hours there last year in February when we came out here for another cousin's wedding and we loved it.  We had to skip one section last year so we went back to see that section today.  We would like to go back again next time we come out as the collection includes some fascinating works and artifacts.

The weather has been dramatic.  It's near enough to 90 degrees most of the time but, depending on the whim of nature, it is either a torential down poor that causes us to pull off the freeway on the way to a museum or it is perfectly sunny and dry where you would swear a giant puddle existed an hour before.  In between these two ways of the weather exist bursts of thunder and soft warm wind that carry smells of warm nature and traces of food and flowers.

In fact, the sky is a beautiful strobe light right now.  Cousins just came down to tell us to go out and see it so we stepped out a second to admire it.  The clouds blanket the sky so the lightning bursts, separated by only seconds, are difused across the sky.  The rain had not yet reached the house, only the light show had, so the whole family was outside enjoying it.  After stepping out briefly to appreciate it Tami and I are back in to rest with Enzo and the first rain is now reaching this house.  Inside now, I can hear the loud cracks as the thunder moves closer.  A kid just yelled out from upstairs "Did you hear that?  That was awesome!"  And the rain is again torential while the ground vibrates to the the cracking thunder.

From lack of complete sleep, concern for Enzo's comfort, walking around the museum and the Plaza area of town, my feet are sore after our relatively short outing.  When I rubbed them I was pleasantly surprised.  My feet are SO soft!  Everywhere I touch I can actually feel my finger through the nerves of my feet as there is hardly any hard skin and my orange toes are smooth like glass.  I had forgotten that I had a pedicure two days ago.  My feet feel like the feet of a person much younger than I have become acustomed to.  On the outside anyway.  On the inside they wonder how my fingers continue to move on this phone's keyboard as they crave stillness and they question weather my mind is making  a coherent stream of words.

Enzo is sleeping quitely right now.  I noticed hopeful signs of lessening symptoms through the day and I hope he will get to sleep better tonight and feel better in the morning.

K.C. Trip Day 4

Today we went to Desirae and Matt's wedding.  Everywhere you go people are different and this wedding was different from all others I have been to.  It's interesting  to see how different people ritualize events and add meaning to the important events and rights of passage in their lives.

Speaking of monumentous events, I've been thinking a lot about the process of mourning the loss for each new change in life.  Mourning for the loss due to a change is only half of the event but it's what I have been considering lately.  It started with a discussion and reading in night school last semester.  The point was made that every change in an organization requires mourning no matter how small the change may appear to the one making the change.  The idea is that a manager needs to recognize and allow for the mourning of the loss, of the way things were, when a change is made even if it is as simple as a change in the lunch time.  People adapt and attach their lives to so many aspects of life that changes appearing insignificant to one may be quite significant to the other.  Another aspect of this is that the person making a change may come across resistance when they did not expect it because that person has already had time to mourn, contemplate, and convince themselves of the appropriateness of the change during their consideration before announcing the change.  Others need time to catch up and it is unfair to expect them to instantly see the light of another's ways upon first hearing of them.  These are some of the thoughts I have been considering.  From small to large I am trying to see how I mourn and embrace change and how others do the same.  I appreciate this perspective and it was useful for me as I said good-bye to my life as a classroom teacher and became open to my life as an assistant principal.  I also see now the mourning component of my annual pilgrimage to Santa Cruz on my birthday where I go to contemplate my life as a form of ritual in which I mark the passing of my years through recognition of what has been, acceptance of it's passing, appreciation for what is, and preparation to appreciate what will be.

Enzo has brought great change into my life as well.  I don't feel in anyway that I am missing out on anything in exchange for his presence in my life but it feels valuable to recognize those changes and appreciate them.  I have said good-bye, at least for now, to staying out all night with friends, riding on long distance overnight motorcycle rides, seeing boobs solely as rare and special objects of desire, and the knowing that no one is dependent on me.  It's interesting that I don't feel bad about those losses.  They came as easily as their acceptance; as if a cloud is noticed in passing.  They are only temporary, so perhaps that affects the feeling.  Well, the boob one may be significant in that breasts will never appear exactly the same to me.  They can never be so simplisitic now that I have watched them nourish my child.  I remember a time not so long ago when boobs were magical beacons of attention-grabbing enchantment.  To see an exposed breast would be something to write home about... if I lived in a very odd home, I guess... but you get the point.  I remember my friend in middle school telling me that he and his family went to a nudist colony in the Santa Cruz mountains regularly and me trying to imagine what kind of booby-Meca such a place must be.  I really couldn't understand how a boy could walk through such a place without extreme pressure in his pants all of the time...... if he had pants, which he wouldn't at a nudist colony.  Then again, at the time I couldn't understand how to make it through math class without that pressure either. Oh, memories and hormones.  But now, I have seen exposed breasts more in the last months of my son's life than I can count.  They are so different to me now.  I understand Julia Robert's character's line in the movie Notting Hill differently now.  Paraphrased it went something like:
"What's the big deal with men and breasts? They're just breasts! Half the people on earth have them!"
"Oh, silly Julia", I used to think.  "They are breasts!  That's the big deal!!"  But now, I see the point.  They are first a part of some women's bodies, secondly they may be useful tools to feed children, and only lastly are they apparently magiacal instruments to attract my attention.  I think I could see every bare breast in the world as I walk down the street now and not trip on the curb. I know they will someday cease to be food makers for my child and I look forward to that shift in roles for the magnificent pair, though I don't rush to that day as I find it best to never rush to the future.  Boobs will always be more to me now and that's cool though very different than I would have expected.  Middle school Randy wouldn't possibly understand.  He'd be too busy sitting very carefully in math class.

I wonder if Desirae and Matt took any time to mourn the losses and anticipate the changes as part of their marriage ritual today.  For my wedding, I definitely took the time to anticipate the changes and the time to appreciate the significance of the event.  I don't believe I was wise enough to mourn the losses, however.  Instead, I gradually said good-bye and adapted to those losses that came with my marriage over the course of a few years.  Ha! That process always provided for interesting conversations.  In less than two months from now Tami and I will have been married for five years.  It has been such an interesting experience. Humbling, to be sure.  A maturing experience, as well.  My favorite aspects have been the fun and the silly parts.  And traveling.  We make great traveling partners.

Well, today on this marriage day of a family member.... Here is to mourning losses great and small, appreciating what we have, experiencing what we may, and making the most of the new from every change.

K.C. Trip Day 3

Tomorrow is the wedding so the ladies went in to get their nails done. My plan was to walk around with Enzo until Tami and the ladies were done.  When we got to the nail place, however, Enzo stated the he was already hungry.  So, I ended up in the waiting area for a couple of minutes when I decided I may as well go for a first walk alone because Enzo would be eating for a while.  On my way to tell this to Tami, one of the guys that worked there said that I could sit in the empty seat while the others got pedicures, no need to wait in the outer area.  He convinced me when he mentioned the seat was a massaging seat.  "Okay, I'll hang out hear for a bit."  But massage chairs are aparently a gateway salon expereince. One thing led to another and I walked out with my first pedicure.  Complete with bright orange nails!  Sweet! Enzo seems to like them.  The experience was cool and my feet look pretty happy about it all.  Maybe it was the massage that's part of the pedicure or maybe it's the fact that it's impossible not to be happy when you are bright orange!  Happy orange feet!

K.C. Trip Day 2

This is a photo of Enzo taking a nap on me. I know, you can only see The Kid. I assure you we both look adorable together. Enzo has that affect of imparting beauty on all scenes.

Oh wonderful world of fireflies! They are everywhere here.  Tami, Enzo, and I went out for a walk in the neighborhood after eating to take in our surroundings as the sun was getting low.  The lower the sun got, the more the grass came alive with briliant short bursts of happy mini fireworks in light.  Beautiful and endlessly entertaining.

Today has been fun for another reason as well.  The house we are staying in was host to many of the family for a big and delicious dinner complete with Puerto Rican rice and Puerto Rican eggplant.  The eggplant dish was Tami's contribution.  There was so much life in the house with children running around playing and adults eating, talking, and playing with the kids.  Enzo got so much attention and even met Micah, a boy born just one day before Enzo and who is also staying here at Auntie Leonilda and Uncle Tito's house for the wedding.  Right now both of these nearly 5 and a half month olds are hanging out on the couch getting love and attention as I type.  The party is winding down now and so am I.

K.C. Trip Day 1

We're in Kansas City, Missouri for Tami's cousin Desirae's wedding.  This is Enzo's first big trip out of California.  I was originaly worried about the flight; concerned that we would become the loud family with crying baby. Of course, no such issues happened. Tami fed Enzo on the way up and on the way down to help prevent any discomfort in Enzo's ears as the pressure in the cabin changed.  On the way down, Enzo got a little fussy but Tami convinced him to eat a bit more and that seemed to do the trick.  Most of the flight time, Enzo slept. When he was awake we chatted and I got some good pictures of him looking out of the airplane.  I'll add those pictures when I get home. 

We decided to bring Enzo's potty on the plane instead of packing it in the checked luggage.  When planning for this trip we considered getting disposable diapers for convenience.  The adventure of doing this the old fasioned way, and the environmentalist way, won out.  We'll be here for a week so we brought all of our cloth diapers and picked up baking soda, vinegar, and a good healthy soap  from a grocery store when we got here.  I'm glad we decided on cloth. Enzo also has a little potty for when we are at home so we brought that. Near home Enzo goes in the potty and on the road we generally pull over and Enzo goes in nature, or potty, or in a restroom.  But the plane would be different.  There is not a lot of room in an airplane bathroom for an adult to help a 5 month old go.  Should we bring the potty on the plane or have him go in his diaper?  The diaper sounded easier but Enzo doesn't like to... who likes to pee in their pants?  So, we went with the potty.  That meant I got up twice to empty the potty in the little restroom.  The flight attendant gave the potty a second look but I'm not sure if she figured out what it was.  Anyway, the flight went well and we arrived safely to the beautiful weather and skies in Kansas City, Missouri.

We're staying with family here in a house full of good people.  It was fun to watch the kids get excited to see and play with Enzo.  I got a kick out of listening to Enzo's seven year old cousin Kamia sing an impromtu song while acting out the words for Enzo with his stuffed panda that he likes so much.  She sang:

"The itsy-bitsy panda went on the baby's back. Down came the rain and washed the panda down. Out came the sun and dried the panda out. And the itsy-bitsy panda went up on the baby again."

Awesome. Experiences like this remind me why I love people.

My Sister

Katrina is now a High School Graduate!

A tribute in reverse order...

The Graduate.

Walking the stage.

Feels like only a year ago my sister was graduating Middle School.

This does seem like forever ago.

Look at that cuteness!

My favorite attitude photo of my sister.

Congratulations Sister.  I love you.

Picnic

We went for a picnic on Monday and I have to share this, my new favorite picture.  If we were in a family band right now, this would be our album cover.

Bastard

I love the word bastard.  I tell people it's a great word. I'm not certain what lead me to this word but I like it.  I have some friends that are 100% true bastards and I've complimented them on it.  I, as life would have it, am only half bastard.  That's what I tell people.  Bastard means a child whose parents weren't married.  Not a big deal of a definition but a very cool word in my opinion.  Speaking of cool words, the first cool word I remember liking and proclaiming to the world as such is hemorrhoids.  I heard the world on a commercial as a child and it began, as far as I can remember, my pleasure in hearing and saying certain words more than others; one word poems, so to speak.  Hemorrhoids is a very neat sounding word that deserves a much more interesting definition.  Seriously, just say hemorrhoids a couple of times and let the word fall out of your mouth.  As for me, my biological parents were married for two years before they had me and then were not divorced until a year later, as I recall.  So, you are thinking, "then you can't be a bastard."  But wait, there's more.  Somehow, the divorced ex-groom managed to get a Catholic annulment of the marriage all that time after the fact.  I don't know much about Catholicism but the idea of that annulment seems a bit silly to me.  None the less, I reap some small reward from it as I now say, perhaps not with complete accuracy, that according to at least one church organization on earth I am a BASTARD!

Few people seem to be as enamored with the word bastard as I... or hemorrhoids for that matter.  But tonight, I saw the movie Sunshine Cleaning.  Interesting movie.  A couple of sisters become the kind of cleaners that are called in after someone dies.  The son of one sister asks the other, his aunt, what a bastard is because he was called one.  My ears totally perked up.  And the aunt had a neat answer that went something to the effect of: "It just means your parents weren't married, no big deal.  You totally pull it off and you can use it to attract girls when you're older.  You are the coolest bastard I ever met."  Excellent.  I'm paraphrasing from memory here so my quotes could be a bit off but, "You are the coolest bastard I have ever met" has got to be one of the best compliments an aunt could give to her nephew.

Monte vs Window

Wednesday evening I was at an awards ceremony for students.  It's amazing how much you can brighten the life of a person by simply acknowledging him or her for who they are and what they have done.  Many students were acknowledged that night.

At home, Tami and Enzo were dealing with a different issue that was a little more stressful:  Monte vs one of the living room windows.  It's difficult to declare a decisive victor in such a situation.  Monte has a plastic cone around his head and stitches across his nose.  What's left of the window is temporarily being held together with tape.  Ahhh, just like old times.  The house Tami and I used to own had cellophane tape windows for about a year.  I liked to say they were double paned because I had taped them closed from both sides until we were able to replace them.  Memories.  Well, this window will be fixed sooner.  In the meantime, poor Monte is learning to get around with a giant cone and a little extra love and attention from us.

I am so grateful to our friends.  Tami did not want to call me because she didn't want to worry or stress me while I was at the awards ceremony.  Luckily she called Matt who was able to get hold of Mitra.  There are not many people better than Mitra to have around in a situation like this.  Mitra helped Tami and Enzo get Monte to an all night emergency vet after Mitra assessed that Monte's wound was serious and bigger than her pet-first-aid kit was designed to help with.  Everything worked out in the end.  I came home and helped Tami finish cleaning up Monte-blood and broken glass and we helped each other feel better about it all while Enzo slept.  After all was cleaned up, I went back to the vet hospital to pick up the glorious Count of Monte Cristo complete with $650 stitches, medicine, drainage tube, and stylish white collar.  I'm pretty sure that collar will become the coolest doggy trend once they see Monte sporting one.

Electric Motorcycle TTXGP Race

On May 16th the first ever in the US all electric motorcycle race in the TTXGP series took place at Infineon Raceway in Sonoma County, California.  Video coverage of the race is not out for television yet but the Zero Motorcycles team has already created a full length video of the race and made it available on the web.  Super cool racing with more position changes than any race I've ever watched.  Thanks to green.autoblog.com for the information.  The race starts at 8 minutes into the video and gets interesting very quickly.  Enjoy.  This is the future of racing- electric motorcycles!

Saturday BBQ

This Saturday Melanie and I threw ourselves a BBQ to celebrate finishing with our Master's Degrees.  So, it would be expected that we were the center of attention and we were, to many people.  Empirical evidence suggests that the center of attention for some, particularly me, was another person.  When I downloaded the day's pictures from my camera I found 165 pictures with at least 120 of them having Enzo as the subject.  I'm in none and Melanie is in a few, half of those having The Kid in the picture as well.  He's so darn cute.  We had a good time and it felt great to mark the occasion of graduation with friends and family and a beautiful day at the park.

I was also told that I took a tree hostage, but it was for a good reason.  

We used washable plates, utensils, cloth napkins and table clothes, etc.  We had four biodegradable bags one for each of napkins, plates and utensils, recycling, and landfill waste.  Santiago mentioned that this is how everyone did it years ago, before disposable products became ubiquitous.  It really was not that difficult to bring reusable items and take them home for washing afterwards.  Clearly it is easier to throw things away but it's not that much more work to reuse and it feels better to know that a whole bunch of resources were saved and garbage for the landfill was avoided.