Phoenix, Arizona

(Enzo running in the free air conditioning of the mall.)

Our week long Phoenix, Arizona road trip vacation is well underway. We left Campbell, California at 5am on Monday morning and drove until we were about an hour east of LA where we spent the night. We don't want to keep the kids strapped into their car seats too long so we are making it a two day trip each way and stopping for hour long breaks once in a while. Yesterday we got into Phoenix in the afternoon and went over to my Nina's house and introduced her to Ana and Enzo. We also visited with some of our cousins there. Enzo was happy to be playing with his two and a half year old cousin Joe Joe. Enzo is so good at sharing, sometimes even offering to share things that are not his. He gave Joe Joe his toy cars to play with first, then his baby Mono (stuffed monkey) complete with direction on how to place the baby on the shoulder, pat the baby's back, and say "baby." Enzo literally demonstrated and then placed Mono on his cousin's shoulder. Then he tried to give his water bottle to his cousin but his cousin was not interested in Enzo's water bottle. From there Enzo thought it would be nice to share his cousins own shoes with him by constantly finding them, exclaiming "shoe" and then taking them over to Joe Joe who would kindly accept them and then throw them somewhere else away from Enzo's reach. Enzo managed to keep quite a bit of attention for himself by playing with and examining any button he could find. Cousin Sylvia and my Nina think he'll be an inventor with so much curiosity. Nina also commented several times on him being so good looking. While Enzo had the most look-at-me-play attention of my two kids, Ana stole the show for attention via adoration. Who could resist such a beautiful little girl?

Similar to Enzo, Ana is of a calm temperament but she does fuss a little more than her brother when she is hungry or uncomfortable. With me, she is comfortable often enough but much of the time I have to hold her lying belly down across my forearm. She is picky with me and she lets it be known if she is not content. She had her first shots last week and handled it well but she didn't like it and she let us know. Tami talked to her first in Spanish about what would happen and why it was important to get shots. Then I followed up in English with a similar explanation. When she did finally get the shot she wasn't very happy about it and she was more vocal about it than her brother. Thankfully it only took a minute after the three shots and the mouth drops to cuddle her before she was fine as if all were forgiven. My point of this, besides the update, is that I recognize I don't have quite the knack with my daughter yet as I do with making my son happy and comfortable at any time. Tami of course is a natural. Apparently, so are my Nina, Sylvia and Arlene. Ana was totally comfortable with them holding her yesterday and they didn't have to resort to the forearm-belly hold that I sometimes do either.

My patience in getting to know my daughter's particular tastes is paying off though. More often I'm able to help her be comfortable even if she is a little hungry. Admittedly, the majority of the time that takes the form of me having her for a limited time before handing my daughter over to Tami who always knows what to do. Sometimes Ana just needs to eat and only Tami can do that. The other times, the times when I'm able to make Ana content are happening more and more often, especially as Ana begins to go slightly longer stretches between eating. One of my favorite times together happened this morning while Tami was in the shower. I lay next to my beautiful girl as she woke from a nap and we just stared at each other for several minutes of perfect happy not-hungry or have-to-potty bliss. She is beautiful to look at and to be looked at by.

I think there was a similar progression with Enzo where it took some time for me to know that I could make him comfortable at any time. It's so far from where we are now though. Especially since Enzo can eat solid foods and I'm confident in taking him potty. Only Tami takes Ana potty. I'm not quite ready yet to feel I can hold her securely over her little potty. Tami started taking her potty right away since knowing what to do after teaching Enzo how to go potty. I told Tami I'll wait a little longer before taking her potty so that I can get a better idea of how to support her from watching Tami do it. I'm almost ready now. Of course, Ana can't use sign language to tell us she has to go as Enzo does now and we don't catch either of their needs to go every time.

I regularly remind myself when making observations about Enzo and Ana's differences that I have to compare Enzo of 16 months ago and that he has grown and developed dramatically in that time as has our relationship.

As for the trip. The kids seem to have handled the long drive well, to be enjoying the attention of their family here, and not to be too bothered by the 100+ degree weather we experience between the air conditioned car and the buildings.

It's good to be back in Phoenix. I miss the heat and my family here.

Granted, I have had a few high anxiety episodes on this trip so far and the heat, one of my triggers, has played a part. I remind myself that people live in this heat, that breathing hard and sweating while carrying a load of bags up a hill from the Colorado River is perfectly normal, that you can't actually die or pass out from panic attacks or anxiety, that anxiety spells go away and can not physically last more than several minutes, that I'm ok, that I used to find so much pleasure in road trips and the desert so I need to be aware of the present reality and not miss it by spending my time in anxious thoughts, and that the world is not a constantly dangerous and scary place despite the adrenaline inspired feelings to the contrary as it goes through my veins and reinforces the fearful looping thoughts in my mind.

At the border of California and Arizona is the Colorado River. The KOA campground has a little beach on the California side and we spent a nice long break there playing in the water yesterday. Both kids got their feet into the river, touching water that has been so far in it's travels through time and space, winding through some beautiful land along the way to greet my children's feet with coolness. It was awesome. I have often wanted to stop there and never have before so I was pretty happy to finally do so and with my family. The cool river felt so good on such a hot day. Enzo had a blast and I think he could have played in the river the whole day and been happy about it.

After showering the sand off of him, he took a nice nap as he and his sister rested in the KOA air conditioned play room. For some reason I started sweating profusely around that time and had the highest anxiety episode I have had in nearly two years. It took some time to let it pass and Tami helped me to process through the thoughts. It wasn't fun. Everything up to that was cool, but that episode pretty much sucked.

[Pause in writing. That was written Wednesday and now I'm continuing on Thursday. Kids take away quiet blog time. That's ok.]

Heat and sweat have helped keep my anxiety up. But not at all moments. There are times when I walk out into the hot dry air and I remember how much I love being here. Many other times though, I will notice that I am not having a problem and then feel like that fact, that state of being, is precarious. I am often feeling that I am either experiencing anxiety or am on a temporary reprieve, balanced barely along a precipice. Even thinking that sometimes makes me slide further into anxiousness.

I am also noticing that I am so often having a difficult time being relaxed. I can enjoy playing with my children. I can love hearing my son laugh and play with his mom in the hotel pool. But almost always I am feeling like I am on guard against danger as I need to protect them. Constantly on guard and not relaxed. There are exceptions but they seem too rare. Generally, my happiness comes from being with my children and watching and playing with them and my relaxation comes from knowing they are safely with their mother while I am elsewhere and can let my guard down. Not a sustainable plan. I'm hoping to discover that balance of responsible parenting and alertness without the heightened-threat feeling of being always on guard against imminent danger.

As I said, there are exceptions.

This morning Tami took Enzo down for breakfast and I stayed in the room with Ana. Soon she awoke and we lay together admiring the world. Then we played and walked around the room and enjoyed the morning. It was perfect and I was relaxed and that made it all the better to be able to totally appreciate my daughter. This time together on vacation has been good.

Also, today is Enzo's half birthday. Tami sang to him "happy half birthday to you..." in Spanish and he chuckled as he woke up this morning.

Overall I would say it's good to be in Arizona and I am glad to be visiting family. I'm grateful to have a life where I can spend so much time with my children. Anxiety sucks and this week is among the more challenging in a very long time. It's clouding my thinking a bit but it's the experience I'm having. So be it. Thankfully it's actually getting better, I'm feeling more in the moment today and less caught up in a loop of anxious thoughts. I'm lucky to have Tami here to help me process my anxieties. While my family here in Arizona has their own particular challenges, I am glad to be here and to see them as there is something comforting about proximity and watching my own children interact with the children of, and the family that is, an important part of my memories, values, and development. Even now, being here while they live their lives, listening to Nina, I learn by example.

Sleep-throws

I've never seen death-throws but I imagine them to be quieter and calmer than the sleep-throws I witnessed my son battle tonight.  While there were punctuated moments of silence, these were engulfed in wreathing and thrashing-about moments in which my son's body flailed and his head flopped against the otherwise peaceful organic mattress and causing the humanely harvested, sustainable forest certified, wooden slats that surround his head to be subjected to the only violent blows they had ever experienced since being gently felled on to a bed of lushness on a happy and sunny hillside in Oregon.  This hour long cacophonic process of falling to sleep was peppered with another occasional type of quiet moment here and there in which Enzo would look, quite naturally in the fading light, straight into my eyes with a neutralness that stated clearly that it was perfectly normal that he lie there briefly in a buddha-like sense of self possession and peace only a fraction of a moment after, and moments before, mimicking the sounds and motions of the tortured souls within the fantasized gates of eternal suffering that reside in certain dark imaginations.  Perfectly natural, indeed.  Amidst the noise and thrashing about sleep did sneak up unnoticed.  I am always amazed how it does this.  I have noticed before in the more typical off-to-sleep times how Enzo's singing and chatting with himself will suddenly be replaced with quiet, sleep having snuck up on him mid-story.  On occasion, like tonight, sleep will sneak up on everyone.  It is past midnight now when Tami and I have woken with Ana's requests for attention to find that we are dressed, in bed, and the lights are on in other rooms.  Enzo remains peaceful as an angel, body growing, memories forming, synapses exercising during his hard-earned sleep and dreaming of wooden blocks, zerberts, and laughing with his Mama while being held upside down by her.

More June

I've been working on living in the moment; being aware of now.  Either through success or because of the great challenge of living in the moment, I certainly haven't taken time to write on my reflections lately.  But I will say a little now and show a few pictures.

Ana is absolutely beautiful.  Every yawn is gorgeous.  When she looks at me I feel satisfied.  She is growing beautifully and I love her.

Enzo smiles like sunshine.  I want to buy whatever he's selling.  Thankfully he sells nothing and gives away free hugs.  When he snuggles in for a hug it makes me feel like I'm getting hugged all over each and every molecule.  A complete and engulfing snuggle.  It's like the fondest memory of peace and comfort and love.

These kiddos are beautiful.  Tami is beautiful.  It's still amazing how we created two such perfectly beautiful and happy children.  What are the odds?  Lucky Mud.

 My flower.

 My girls.

Enzo playing in a stream.

So beautiful!

It was time to sell Val.  We have been so many places together and have had so many good memories.  However, my motorcycle touring days are behind me, and perhaps there are some ahead of me as well.  But while the kids are so young at home, the peace that comes from riding long and far alone on a bike has more loneliness then I care to appreciate at this point in my life.  It's a change that happened of it's own and one that I'm willing to listen to.  Perhaps in the future, when I have collected much more to contemplate, the long road will call me back.  Tami and I said goodbye to Val and thought of new adventures on new toys to come.

 Oh, RC, such a perfect sport bike.  Alas, it was time to say goodbye to this exquisite machine as well.  I have never ridden a more perfectly tuned bike than this.  I can't believe I let myself sell this bike.  It's such a perfect sport bike.  But this is a different time in life and the money from the RC will not be squandered.  And so, the search for a certain new and exciting four wheeled toy begins.... More to come on that when the search is over.

The first of the new toys is arrived.  The coolest motorcycle I have ever owned!  Surely this will appear in future posts and pictures here.  This is a 1967 Norton Atlas and it is AWESOME!  I am loving this bike.  I feel so similar to when I rode my first motorcycle.  This bike is absolutely-exactly the bike for me right now.  It's just so cool! It's just so interesting to ride and to start and to park and to look at and to apply a wrench to.  It is the exact bike for my new motorcycling adventures.  It is awesome.  It is everything I wanted and didn't know I wanted in a bike right now.  It's like a new favorite hat but cooler because it's a super-cool motorcycle.

Watching Papi kick start the Norton through the kitchen window.

My little Ana asleep on a walk.

Enzo walking the Los Gatos creek trail.

Hello Beautiful Girl!

Tami and Ana in Capitola.  Being with my family at the beach was all I wanted for Father's Day and it was such a perfect day.  Last year was my first Father's Day and I had one child.  This year was my second and I had two children.  Tami assures me this is the last year of such numerical coincidence.

Enzo laughing with Mama on a hot day with his sister.

When I met Tami she talked about her car that she bought brand new after college and how much she loved it.  Her 1998 Chevy Cavalier.  She said she would keep it until 100,000 miles.  Then, when she hit 100k she decided she would keep it longer and see it at 200,000 miles.  With less than 500 miles to go, and an engine that has never been taken apart, the car is almost there.  But, Tami decided to give it to her dad for Father's day instead.  Enjoy Harold.

Look at this kid!

Happy at bath time and getting every bit of joy out of every available splash.

It's June

Guest Post by Tami:

There has been a lot going on recently in the lives of our children that hasn't made it to the blog and I feel compelled to write this post to share them.

 

Ana went to her first A's game.  Yes, they lost (as they have been doing a lot of that lately, but hopefully with Geren gone, maybe they'll find themselves on a winning streak), but it was still an exciting day in baseball.  Ana slept through most of the game, similar to how Enzo did for most of last season. 

 

She didn't seem to mind the crowd or the cheers.  Enzo really enjoys the games now.  He likes to stand in between the seats and walk back and forth between us.  He knows to put his water bottle in the cup holder and to clap and cheer when everyone else does.

Ana also had her first stage debut as a part of the City of Newark's Annual Dance Revue.

She went out on stage with me when I was introduced as an assistant and at the end of the shows for the finale. Enzo and Ana also accompanied my sister, mother, father, and myself in the family parade at the end of the first half.  Ana is still a bit young to know how she'll do in the spotlight, but Enzo loved being on stage and backstage.  He loved watching the dancing and was often dancing and clapping along to the music.  He liked one hula dance in particular because of the hula skirts that he found quite fascinating.


You can see me talk about the annual review here. I was asked last minute to say something.  I didn't really know what I was saying.  You can't really tell that Ana is in her wrap right below my face.

Enzo has also recently discovered the joys of climbing... on everything!  He climbs on the kitchen chairs so that he can sit, or rather stand, at the big table, instead of his high chair.  He also pushes the chair around the kitchen first to find the perfect place to stand on the chair in order to reach things on the counter.  He climbs up on the couch and its arms in order to reach things behind it.  Last night he climbed to stand on the arm rest of his little rocking chair to look out the window of his room.  He then looked back at me as he lifted one leg in an attempt to climb on top of his dresser.  He also likes to climb on to his motorcycle, sit, rock, stand and rock, and slide off.  He's quite the stunt master at almost 18 months. 



He has also made friends with two little girls on the block that like to shout out "Hi Enzo" whenever they see us.  He always stops, turns, smiles, and walks in their direction.  We have recently noticed him taking a couple of skips in the fast walking... running is right around the corner.  Exciting, but oh sh**!

17 Months

Enzo is 17 months old today. He is celebrating by taking his sister to her first A's game. I saw him lean over and kiss his sister on the cheek a couple of days ago. That was super sweet and super adorable and left me a little stunned as I didn't expect that level of expression from my son yet. Then yesterday he leaned over so that I could kiss his forehead. Thinking about this, he's coming a long way with kissing. He blows kisses with his hand over his mouth and makes the kissy-smack noise when he blows kisses straight into the air. I wonder if his kisses to mom and dad will change. Those usually involve a laugh as his entire mouth goes over our nose or cheek. I do enjoy those kisses. It's impossible not to smile thinking about them. It's good to see he can adjust as needed for his little sister's little cheeks though. He's probably too young to appreciate how beautiful she smells with her baby scent when he kisses her but he'll have his chance to notice that, perhaps with his own baby, when he is older. It is a delicious and comfortable smell that compliments her cuteness and softness perfectly. Enzo has a beautiful smell as well though it has already changed from his original little baby smell. It is still as addicting to inhale though.

He really is growing. Yesterday he slept in, played a bit and went back to sleep for a long nap. The whole family did the same and it was very nice and needed. When he woke up he looked like his own older brother; appearing taller and feeling heavier as he casually stretched himself awake. My little baby boy is changing.

The older I get, the more cliches I hear in my head, told to myself spontaneously and in ernest. They grow up so fast.

Two and a Half

(Sleeping Ana.)

Ana is two and a half weeks old. It feels like she has been part of the family for months. It is odd to think she was born just three Fridays ago. She is doing great, looking beautiful, super gorgeous and sweet and adorable and lovable. She is in that early phase of life where she is mostly asleep or eating and so I consider it a special gift when she is perfectly content and awake and I get to hold her. Asleep is ok too. Her head is SO soft with her silky hair. I think it is the softest surface I have ever touched. Her cheeks and head are delightful to kiss as is her neck and I try to get in a full ration of kisses every day.

(My beautiful girls.)

Ana Uku is, in other words, so incredibly beautiful and perfect. And I love her.

(Monte the recliner.)

Enzo continues to be gentle and sweet with his sister "baby." They get along well. I've also been watching Enzo and our dog Monte and realizing that Monte is becoming Enzo's dog instead of mine or Tami's. There are times now and then when Monte would like a short break from all of the attention Enzo gives during their playtime and that can sometimes include Monte being hugged and poked and kissed/bitten and adored by Enzo for quite a while. Enzo loves his dog. He also likes to play in the cloth dog kennel in the living room, with or without Monte, but especially with. Yesterday Monte got in trouble and I sent him to his kennel. You would think that Enzo just received the coolest prize ever. His smile became huge, he screamed out in excitement, and ran the fastest his little 16 and a half month old legs could run to join Monte, and then dove in to the kennel. Poor dog got more than he bargained for but he certainly didn't get time to reflect on his misbehavior. Enzo eventually calmed down in there and he and I blew kisses to each other through the mesh windows. It was a fun way to spend time after work. Speaking of Enzo looking as though he just received the coolest prize ever, he only looks that excited about people at this point and that is awesome.... especially when it's for me.

(He is such a happy kid.)

Someone told Tami that Ana would have me wrapped around her finger. Tami replied yes she would but she couldn't see how Ana would have me any more wrapped then Enzo has already. I like that story. I adore these kids. They can have me wrapped around their fingers all they like, so long as I still know when to dig my heels in for their own well being and happiness. Otherwise, I have never been happier at the service and whim of others.

(Tami taught Enzo to smell flowers and here he is giving her a flower petal to smell.)

(Enzo and Papi on the beach.)

As I said, it feels like all four of us have been together for longer than the two and a half weeks since Ana has joined us on the outside. In that brief time, I have a couple of new treasured family memories. Twice now we have spent the day at the beach. Once we were at Twin Lakes beach in Santa Cruz and Ana spent the time in the shade with her Mama while Enzo "swam" in the sand and explored the beach. He wasn't interested in the ocean itself on that day. The other time was in Capitola with Nicole and Shea. Ana stayed snuggled up with Mama In one of her baby wearing carriers and Enzo explored ocean and beach and had a great time chasing around Shea's orange beach ball. It was great for me to see him playing with the water rising up his legs, watching him run away and into the water, looking and picking up rocks and kelp, and loving him right where the great big ocean of the world meets the land. My other new memories involve staring closely at Ana Uku in my arms and kissing her gently on her head, neck, and cheeks. I can recreate the memory perfectly of how soft and beautiful she is as I sit here miles away right now. And I know that someday I will not likely be able to do that, memories being imperfect as they are. I'll have to be satisfied knowing that I treasured the experience absolutely while I had it to live.

Enzo Grows Up

Enzo grew up in one night. It was the first night he spent away from us, the night his sister was born.

He stayed with his Auntie Tia (Tami's sister Traci) when we went to the hospital for delivery. He spent two nights away from us as we stayed at the hospital for two nights. That was not easy for us; we had never stayed the night away from him before. We were so happy to have our Ana with us that first night but it was difficult to not have our Enzo with us. The next day we knew Traci would bring Enzo to visit and meet his sister. We were both curious how he would take having a sibling. He is 16 months old. Would he be jealous? Angry? Tami and I talked about this but mostly we were looking forward to seeing him when he visited.

And then The Kid arrived. He had grown up over night. I don't know for sure how much he had actually changed in a night as a result of being away from us or returning to a new family dynamic. Maybe a little. I don't know how much of this change was only perceived by me. Maybe most, maybe all.

But Enzo had grown up. I picked him up when he came in and he was sooo much heavier. I had only been a day without lifting him. His legs are so much thicker. He seems more thoughtful. In one day he had become more mature, bigger, more responsible. I don't know how much of this is in his body or in my mind, but the results will be the same very soon. When you change your perspective about someone, changing expectations of them, the way you speak to them, the way you listen to them, then that someone changes. And so Enzo will be more responsible, mature, and grown up now because something changed for me.

When Enzo walked in to the room at the hospital, it at first appeared our worst fears were true. He was sad, unhappy, didn't look at his sister and was avoiding us. He just looked at us with a sad face. But it wasn't a problem with his sister. Traci said he was very good with her. But, seeing us again, I believe, made him realize that he missed us and I suspect he was dealing with some trust and abandonment emotions at that point when he found us in front of him again. It took a few minutes of sympathy, a whole bunch of kisses, sweet words and playfulness, but Enzo came back to loving comfort that day and met his sister. You want to hear sad? He was crying when he left as we were to stay one more night. That was pretty much the worst good bye ever with him.

The next day, we were together again as a family, a bigger family.

Enzo has definitely met his sister now and taken on a sweet role as brother. I look forward to watching this relationship develop over the years. When I placed Ana in her swing, Enzo started rocking it for her all by himself. When I gave Ana her first sponge bath, Enzo stood next to me and quietly watched even as she began to fuss and cry out in hunger before I was finished. When Tami and I played with her and watched her last night, Enzo ever so carefully walked around her, sat down, and said "baby" as he touched her belly with one finger. He calls his sister baby. When she called out in hunger from the other room this morning, Enzo told me it was baby. He is grown up. He is more mature. He is more responsible. And thankfully, he has mostly forgiven us for not being with him for two nights.

I love our Enzo. I love our Ana.

Ana Uku

Our beautiful daughter was born on May 6th. Her name is Ana Uku. Both are Taíno words; the language of the native people of Puerto Rico. Ana means flower and Uku means earth, land, soil, terrain. As Tami said, she is our flower from the land. I think of the words Ana and Uku. They are beautiful words and my daughter deserves a connection to them. The ideas and mental images of the words are impressive in my mind. I think of her and images of flowers and earth and I feel good and I like the essence of my thoughts. How Ana Uku decides to interpret her name will be up to her, of course. I do hope she takes into mind the idea of nourishing land; a basis for sustenance and a frame to life. I do hope she takes into mind the idea of a flower whose functional beauty is purposeful but goes beyond that requirement to make the world better and more alive with it's poetry and beauty in being. These are good concepts to consider when developing values and relationships to places in her time and life; when defining her existence through being and adding meaning to her name through her own existence.

And so now there is Ana, my Ana Uku, out of the womb and sharing this great world. She is beautiful, loved, and calm. Yes, she seems to have the calmness and demeanor of her brother so far and there will be no mistaking that they are related by looks either. And they are adorable. We couldn't be luckier to have such adorable children to care for and love.

Our two children were born 16 months and one week apart on the same floor of the same building, within an inch of each others height and within an ounce of each others weight. But there were certainly differences in the experiences. Tami recalls that for Enzo she labored three days before going into Labor and Delivery (5th floor at the hospital) where she then spent 19 hours (I had written 15 hours in my blog but that may be a typo) helping her son find his way out. Exhausting, yes. Ana took 4 hours in Labor and Delivery and Tami labored for a total of about 24 hours. Huge difference! I won't say easy for an experience so demanding, but certainly less time was involved in a challenging part of baby making this second time around. And here is something super interesting..... Ana was delivered while her mother was standing! Yes! Standing! Tami was rocking and swaying and squatting, feet planted on the ground, while resting her hands on the bed to help Ana finish her preparations to join us on the outside. At one point the midwife checked on her and Tami said it's time, she is coming now, I feel her. The midwife checked and said yes, get into bed you are about to have a baby. And Tami said no, she is coming now. And that she was. So, the second midwife slipped down, asked our doula (Stephanie was our doula for both of our babies' births) to place a pillow on the floor under Tami, just in case, and Tami delivered our beautiful Ana right there, without issue, while standing. It was AWESOME and somehow perfect and now I can't imagine any other way for Ana to have been born. The midwives just passed Ana through Tami's legs, helped Tami into bed and placed our baby on her chest where Ana found herself quite happy. The midwife who received Ana as she was born thought it was cool because she so rarely gets to be part of deliveries with a standing mother. After a while I cut the cord, as I had with Enzo, and we spent time getting to know each other and Tami and I took turns holding our baby skin to skin.

As I said, Ana is similarly tempered to Enzo which is to say; calm and easily made comfortable with being held. They are both very beautiful. I can not help but be so impressed with Tami for bringing our babies through 9 months of pregnancy and then delivering them. It's an amazing and impressive accomplishment to have a child. We are quite lucky to have these two. Everything since has been perfect with Ana Uku. She is lying on my chest now, one of the best experiences to me, sleeping peacefully and smelling of newborn-happy-baby goodness. I love her and kissing her is a large dose of happiness.

Our Daughter Is Born

Our beautiful daughter is born! Ana Uku. Happy birthday. This is a picture of her resting after her big day. Ana Uku was born on May 6th beautiful and healthy. She is so gorgeous and wonderful to hold and love.

Easter, 13 years, and Any Day Now

Enzo colored Easter eggs for the first time this weekend and he enjoyed himself very much.  He is such a beautiful boy.

Then, Mama hid them for him twice and he got to find them  in the yard two times.  He definitely got into that!

His grandparents and cousin and aunties were clapping, and then he started clapping, and then he was smiling after finding each egg.  Good times!

(Me on my first bike.)

Also, today is the 13th anniversary of me riding home on my first motorcycle.   It was a 1986 Yamaha Radian purchased for $2,200, all told, from the BMW dealer on San Carlos St. in San Jose, California thirteen years ago today.  I only got the shortest bit of a ride in today on this anniversary but I did get to ride and those couple of miles felt great.

In other news, our second baby will be arriving any day now.  I realized, beyond a doubt when driving to work this morning, that there is a part of me that is nervous about the upcoming birth experience.  I don't want to be nervous, but I am so that's OK.  It's just that it's an experience that I must go through, I can not avoid, and that knowledge tends to make me feel a little anxious even though I want the experience; as I do in this case.  Knowing that I have not the option to avoid the ordeal gets me anxious.  Knowing that I can not walk away, postpone, or ignore an experience makes me anxious.  I can not avoid that our daughter will be on her way out soon and I don't want to.  It's just that I can't and that has it's effect on me.  Another part of me has embraced the adventure, welcomes the experience,  is feeling good, comfortable, and very excited to meet and welcome our baby into the world outside.

I think this is how I have learned to deal with this flavor of anxiousness.  After the summer of my freshman high school year, an important summer in the making of me, I started noticing what I was afraid of and then taking on those fears directly as a challenge.  This started out as asking girls out, volunteering to speak in front of the class, walking up to people and talking, and generally embracing discomfort.  This mentality has served me well and provided for a lot of experiences that have made my life flavorful.  With so many of the experiences that I have relished was a choice to take on the experience and that came with the knowledge and comfort that I could have changed my mind and my direction if I chose to.  Other experiences have been beyond my control, at least at some point in the unfolding, and I have had to face them willingly or not.  Some of these I have embraced and savored and others I have not embraced and those have resulted in a less than desirable ozone-like flavor and aroma.  Examples of these include when I cut my hand in a window as a child (was I nine?) and instantly thought, "Well, there goes my night, this is what I will be dealing with tonight, I can not take this back, there is no way to undo this, I will have to go to the hospital and deal with this."  I did not embrace that experience.  This resistance to what I can not avoid, this mode of thinking, or of feeling, is what I believe makes it difficult for me to deal with death and even hypothetical events beyond my control.  Whether by my own making or by nature's consequence, it appears to be the same anxiousness, same solution, and the same satisfaction in coming through to other side of an uncomfortable situation if I embrace the experience.  It is a slightly different flavor when knowing that I can't avoid a path into the experience, but a similarly full and positive feeling results when I accept and embrace the event anyway.  Interesting.  I am making my way through this perspective for myself as I type it.  Plenty for me to think about and a good reminder to accept my nervousness and embrace the event of my daughter's birth as I did with my son's.

My baby girl is on her way and just knowing that I will soon be holding her and loving her in my arms makes me smile all the way from my deepest inside straight through to my everything.

First Word

(Lunch with Abuelita.)

I don't know when you call it a first word.  Some people would have declared Enzo's first word a while ago but I just don't know what the requirements are for official declaration.  For example, he says "Mama" a lot.  But he never says it to his Mama.  He says "Popi" a lot.  But he never says it to me.  When I am coming in the door, Tami will tell him "Popi is home" and he'll say "Popi", get excited and run to see me, but he never says it to me.  He does sign language for several words so we know he communicates in words.  But today, Enzo said a word directly and audibly that I can finally say is incontrovertibly a word used appropriately with appropriate meaning.  And the word?…. Agua!

We were having breakfast at home this morning and I asked him if he wanted more agua (Spanish for water and pronounced, by me anyway, as ah-wah).  And he said "agua" reaching for his water container.  Awesome!  He did it a couple of more times after.  So, I don't know what his first word was, and I never before had thought to consider that the declaration of a first word depends very much on the criteria decided on by the adults, but I'll declare now that today, Enzo definitely spoke a word clearly and with meaning.

Tami and I had wondered what the first word would be and whether it would be in English or Spanish.  Agua makes sense as we say it often and consistently in Spanish.  In fact, our family says agua as well when speaking to him, perhaps from hearing us say it so often instead of water.  So this is one word where the bilingual input Enzo receives is minimized.

(Easter Egg hunt in Newark.)

I wonder now how long it will take for him to use the word primarily.  While he used it a few times today, his own version of the sign language for water continued as his his favored method of asking for water today.  Three fingers spread like a "W" and brought to the mouth is how we ask him if he wants water.  He uses his single index finger and brings that to his mouth to ask for water.  I think of it as equivalent to a childish slur in pronunciation of a spoken word from a young speaker.  But today, the word was audible.

The first confirmed word of Enzo Raines has arrived.  Agua.

(Walking with Papi.)

Relative Thinking

Last week I met Nathan and Laurie's new baby Charlotte. A beautiful little newborn girl.  I have been friends with Laurie since high school and Nathan since middle school.  Long term friendships.  And now they have a child together.  Those kids we were have turned in to us adults.  A slow form of magic.

Holding Charlotte, only a couple of days old, I was instantly reminded how delicate a new baby is.  How small and delicate.  And I realised how gradually though steadily my assessment of Enzo's smallness and delicateness has changed.  I never stopped thinking of him as a little baby or as requiring me to treat him delicately as compared to adults.  But I don't think of him as I did Charlotte that day, as I did think of him when he was newly born.

What I'm trying to say is, there was no banner over an arch that I walked through where I discarded an old concept of my son and dawned a new one.  My perception changed quietly but my vocabulary did not.  Rights of passage, life ordeals; they are important to mark and prepare us but reality moves on whether or not we have such events to mark our days and time.  And so my adorable son is no longer that little beautiful baby that he was.  He is a bigger descendant, a here and now little boy with strong links to that perfect little baby that he was.  Now, the perfect 15 month old Enzo.

How much of who I am in my own perceptions is outdated, old vocabulary, remnants of a different me, factors left unmarked by rights of passage or ordeals?
I'm still in my 20's, my body is in it's 30's.  That's how it feels.  Like the me that is me is younger than these years my body has been around.  Maybe not.  Maybe this is just what it is to be in my 30's and my concept of 20's and 30's has just been wrong.  After all, I was just a little kid looking at my family through a little kid's mind when I formed these perceptions of adult 30's, 40's and 50's.

So then........ I am really 30 something and also in my 30's, body and person.  Huh, so this is what it feels like. It's not what I thought it would be.  It's a little funnier, with more music, and lighter hearted than I expected.  Nice!  I thought it would be much more serious.  Maybe it was more serious for my family back when I was forming these perceptions.  Maybe there are others out there with the reverse realizations to make with their harder life circumstances right now at odds with a happy-go-lucky assessment from their youth.

A one could get lost in this relativity.  With no base point to consider unmoving and solid from which to compare all other points or to which one can return when needed, it seems wisest to take in as much as possible, like an insect landing on the river's water, 'fingers' and 'toes' spread wide to find its stability on a moving and undulating body of never-stand-still.

Going to Sleep

A couple of days ago I was trying to help Enzo fall asleep.  He was spinning around in bed, talking away in his pseudo-language, and generally having a good time being tired and awake.  Eventually, he slowed down a bit and I decided to move him to have his head in the same direction as us and then lie close to him so he knew I was there.  His eyes were closed by then, he wasn't moving as much, but was still squirming a little.  I lie there inches away admiring this beautiful human in the low light when I see his tongue dart out and taste my hand.  I say taste because he then sort of smacked his lips as though he were trying to figure out what flavor cupcake frosting he had just discovered. And as quickly as the first time, his tongue shot out for a second tasting and the connoisseurs mouth moved around approvingly. At this point I was stifling the laugh; he was so close to finally falling asleep I couldn't make a noise. My stifled laughs caused my chest to rise and fall but no sound left my clinched lips.  I knew I couldn't bare another licking and keep quiet so I regrouped, moved my hand under me and scootched my forehead to his instead.  And then it got awesomely ridiculous! Eyes still closed, his tongue stretched out to find the world of air only, like a snake just inches from my face.  To the ceiling we must have appeared a scene from a baby adventures version of Indiana Jones with me staring at the advancing tongue.  The tongue pointed right at me and was trying to get closer. I steadied my weight behind my forehead to hold The Kid back. I thought only a second about the need to keep my laughs on the inside while his baby forehead pressed into mine, twisting his face for any possible gain in position, tongue edging closer to my face which was frozen in stunned amazement and then, the slightest last effort of his and llluoooooomp! He licked my nose! I retreated my face into the pillow, barely kept the laughs quiet and in my belly.  Awesome. This last effort seemed to satisfy The Kid, tongue tired and sated, he quieted and slipped into the last millimeters of sleep.

Enzo's Giant Burrito

Enzo making up for lost meals.  He ate 1/2 of a Giant Whole Foods Burrito in one sitting!