A New Toy, a New Home

(Ana trying out my new Ducati!)

My new toy!  1992 Ducati 900ss cr.  This is the bike I lusted after in high school.  It's everything I thought it would be.  It's awesome!  This is only day 3 with it but we are having a blast together.  I had money set aside to buy a car project.  That came from the sale of my super cool RC51 that was a birthday present and I intend to keep the value invested in a toy that is worthy of such a cool birthday present.  I'm still searching for the right car project.  When riding my Norton to our new house a couple of days ago I was forced to accept 3 things.  1, the Norton is a bit of a project itself and it will take a little time, effort, and money to get it to where I can safely and reliably ride it (this was difficult to accept). 2, It is difficult for me to not have a bike that I can hop onto whenever I like. 3, Tami was right AGAIN because she told me I should keep one modern and reliable bike around so that I could go to Santa Cruz and the hills when ever I wanted.  So, I got the great idea that I could convert the RC51 money into two, yes two, new toys!  And then I found this super awesome 900ss on Craigslist, posted less than a half hour before I searched for it and I was able to get it for half the RC51 money.  All of my celestial motorcycle signs/pistons/sprockets were in alignment.  And the bike is truly awesome!  I love this bike.  I have all that lustful excitement about it that I did in high school except now I can actually ride it.  I love looking at it, thinking about it, and riding it.  I love that the engine supports the swing arm, that the engine hangs from a frame (instead of sitting in it), that the engine is visible, and that the frame is that beautiful trellis frame like a gorgeous bridge carrying my body and motor over the road, linking the two wheels together.  It is art.  I feel like a kid in a dream.  A motorcycle dream.  It's beautiful Italian motorcycle art dream.

(Moving out of the kids' first home.)

Also, somewhere above you may have noticed that we moved.  We said goodbye to our children's first home and have moved to a more spacious home.  Monte gets a nicer yard.  Maggie gets a nicer neighborhood to roam.  The kids get way more space to run and play in when inside.  Tami gets two bathrooms (she has been asking for this since we were married nearly 6 years ago).  And I get a bigger two car garage.  We all get what is simply a much nicer home in a great neighborhood.  Tami and I were talking about how quickly we became comfortable in this house and how happy we are to be here.  The whole family seems to have instantly adjusted to it.

Enzo Raines the Erbium, and what we've been up to

(Tami and Enzo swimming on the 4th of July.)

After the last blog post I decided to look up Enzo's first initials and it turns out that Er is the atomic symbol for Erbium, a rare earth metal used in lasers and in pottery. Cool. So, as for the laser amplifying son of mine: I adore this kid and can't get enough of him. He is addicting. I kiss him, I snuggle him, I watch him, and there is never a feeling of "I'm full" no matter how much time I spend with him. I can't get enough.

(Camping is dirty work for a kiddo. Check out all of those teeth!)

(Playing ball with Papi.)

Several days ago he stood up in bed when he was supposed to be going to sleep, said "We, we , weeee!...", bounced a couple of times on the bed and then fully jumped onto my belly laughing in pure joy. It was awesome and completely unexpected. My belly didn't even see it coming. Then he did it over and over and over again with the same level of enthusiasm for who knows how long until Tami and I had to stifle our laughter and giggles to convince him that it really was time to go to bed. It was so fun to watch him enjoy himself so much. Telling the story a few days later we realized that he was counting "One, Two, Three" or "Uno, Dos, Tres" the way Tami and I do before many things like tickling him or pretend-eating his feet or dunking him under the shower to rinse his hair. And within only a couple of days it became quite clear to hear him say "Un, Ta, Tweee!" He does it often now and it's cute. Some variations may include "We, Ta, Wee, Ball!" as he throws a ball. The variations are fun but more and more he is close to counting on his own up to three.

(Enzo loved the oatmeal so much he wanted to wear some of it.)

This makes me think of all the blog posts I write in my head nearly every day but that are lost in not being written. Some recent ones include experiences like me trying to teach him to kick a ball. He eventually got it but obviously preferred to throw it. I had forgotten to count and he's the one that reminded me to start counting 1, 2, 3 before I kicked the ball. Then, there is the fact that he likes to dance so much. Sometimes it's to the radio but it can just as likely be to a commercial or a song in the background anywhere. He sort of squats just a little and holds his hands forward a little while sticking his butt out. Imagine a skier going down hill and about about to jump off of a ramp. Then he wiggles his butt. I can't help smiling and giggling just thinking about it. One of the coolest things he likes to do is clap. He'll clap for successes big or small, his or someone else's. At the park this weekend he was clapping for people off in the distance because they caught a basketball. Today he clapped for me when I finished vacuuming. I wish I could take this kid everywhere. It's pretty cool to get cheered on like that. It's really cool that he claps for himself and for others. There is just no end to the happiness this kid can inspire.

(Ana napping on Mama during Ana's first camping trip.)

(Tami and Shea spinning fire sticks on Tami's birthday.)

Some of those unrecorded blog posts of my mind had to do with all that we have been up to lately. We've been camping several times since our Arizona trip. Ana makes a good camper and Enzo is becoming a pro. We went to the beach for Tami's birthday marking the beginning of that quarter of the year when Tami is my elder and I still try not to listen to her though she is often right. And there was the Arizona trip itself. Driving home from my Nina and Nino's house in Phoenix the great level of anxiety that I had been experiencing and had written about began to slip off of me. An hour west of Phoenix and I could clearly feel it sliding off of me. Two hours into the drive west and I was able to see the desert again, to feel me driving through it, taking in what the Universe had to offer and being ok with it. Maybe my anxiety will return again to that very high level that it was a few weeks back. Right now I'm grateful, I'm calm, and I accept what is. Being able to relax, let go of my tension, and be ok with what was resulted from our visit where we were able to spend time with my Nina and cousin Sylvia and visit with more cousins and I was able to spend time talking to my Nino. I hope that I can make others feel as special as my family makes me feel. I hope I can be good and giving without expecting payback like my family does. I hope I can care about the lives of others even when I have so much going on with my self. I hope I can provide that sense of comfort and peace and goodness throughout any trial of life as my family does. I hope when I experience my greatest challenges I can remind another how special they are and offer them my blessings. My Nina has given me a lot in life, more than I can write about here, but her blessings on me and Tami and our children when we left her house are my absolute greatest treasured gifts from her ever. Seconded to this is her life as an example of how to live, care for family, live well, and pay attention to what matters which always seems to be people. My Nina asked me at one point if I remembered the saying that she had taught me: "No hay mal que por bien no venga." I had been very attracted to it when she taught it to me but had somehow let it slip my mind. Now it's back. And I think, everything is ok in this Universe even if it's sometimes difficult to take in. No hay mal que por bien no venga.

Ana Uku Gold

Ana's first two initials are AU.  Au is the atomic symbol for gold on the periodic table of elements.  My Angel of gold is doing great and she is growing so big.  She is becoming expert at smiling gorgeous and it's pretty easy to get her to show off her beautiful smile these days.  She really is so substantial now; a real growing baby girl.  I love her.  More and more often she is happy to be held by me but she still prefers her mother's arms above all others.  When I have her and she happens to fuss then I jokingly tell her that I am just going to keep on loving her until she loves me back.  Then I'll keep on loving her forever.  I say jokingly because as the parent of a baby without recognized formal language skills I have the privilege and right to  interpret her wants and needs as I choose.  And I choose to interpret about 60% of her every move and look that she makes as "I love you."  So by definition, mine, she already does love me (and her mother, but that's pretty obvious) to a tremendous degree, especially when considering the ratio of her love to her body weight.  Pretty impressive.  The other 40% of her communication I attribute as having something to do with breast milk.

Ana really is growing fast.  I remind myself to appreciate every moment of this because it will never come back.  I tell myself to take it all in because this moment is special and will soon pass.  I tell myself not to resent the passing moments because the coming moments will also be so special that I would not wish to miss or delay them.  Don't rush the now, and don't slow it down either, just take it all in.  This is especially true as we don't plan to have any other beauties though it would appear that we have a gift at making gorgeous lovable children.

My capacity to adore and love my children has increased since Ana was born but the time that I have to love and adore and appreciate has not increased.  I wonder if I give her enough time and attention as she deserves.  The work of parent is a little easier but it's difficult to get enough time for play and staring at each other in to fully satisfy what I imagine is an insatiable desire to consume every experience with these children and still find time to sleep and shower.  I maybe could pull this off for a third or a fourth child but I honestly don't know how parents of well loved children in very large families pull it off.  I guess it's partly due to the fact that one person is not doing all of the loving.  Between Tami and family and some friends my kids get a lot more love and attention than they would if I was the sole parent and family around for them.  Knowing that is comforting when I wonder if I give them enough.  I wonder often if I give Ana the attention she deserves when I can't imagine how it is as much as I gave to Enzo at this age.  Well, as long as I am able, they each can have all the love, attention, and affection I have to give and I'll hope that it's enough.

Phoenix, Arizona

(Enzo running in the free air conditioning of the mall.)

Our week long Phoenix, Arizona road trip vacation is well underway. We left Campbell, California at 5am on Monday morning and drove until we were about an hour east of LA where we spent the night. We don't want to keep the kids strapped into their car seats too long so we are making it a two day trip each way and stopping for hour long breaks once in a while. Yesterday we got into Phoenix in the afternoon and went over to my Nina's house and introduced her to Ana and Enzo. We also visited with some of our cousins there. Enzo was happy to be playing with his two and a half year old cousin Joe Joe. Enzo is so good at sharing, sometimes even offering to share things that are not his. He gave Joe Joe his toy cars to play with first, then his baby Mono (stuffed monkey) complete with direction on how to place the baby on the shoulder, pat the baby's back, and say "baby." Enzo literally demonstrated and then placed Mono on his cousin's shoulder. Then he tried to give his water bottle to his cousin but his cousin was not interested in Enzo's water bottle. From there Enzo thought it would be nice to share his cousins own shoes with him by constantly finding them, exclaiming "shoe" and then taking them over to Joe Joe who would kindly accept them and then throw them somewhere else away from Enzo's reach. Enzo managed to keep quite a bit of attention for himself by playing with and examining any button he could find. Cousin Sylvia and my Nina think he'll be an inventor with so much curiosity. Nina also commented several times on him being so good looking. While Enzo had the most look-at-me-play attention of my two kids, Ana stole the show for attention via adoration. Who could resist such a beautiful little girl?

Similar to Enzo, Ana is of a calm temperament but she does fuss a little more than her brother when she is hungry or uncomfortable. With me, she is comfortable often enough but much of the time I have to hold her lying belly down across my forearm. She is picky with me and she lets it be known if she is not content. She had her first shots last week and handled it well but she didn't like it and she let us know. Tami talked to her first in Spanish about what would happen and why it was important to get shots. Then I followed up in English with a similar explanation. When she did finally get the shot she wasn't very happy about it and she was more vocal about it than her brother. Thankfully it only took a minute after the three shots and the mouth drops to cuddle her before she was fine as if all were forgiven. My point of this, besides the update, is that I recognize I don't have quite the knack with my daughter yet as I do with making my son happy and comfortable at any time. Tami of course is a natural. Apparently, so are my Nina, Sylvia and Arlene. Ana was totally comfortable with them holding her yesterday and they didn't have to resort to the forearm-belly hold that I sometimes do either.

My patience in getting to know my daughter's particular tastes is paying off though. More often I'm able to help her be comfortable even if she is a little hungry. Admittedly, the majority of the time that takes the form of me having her for a limited time before handing my daughter over to Tami who always knows what to do. Sometimes Ana just needs to eat and only Tami can do that. The other times, the times when I'm able to make Ana content are happening more and more often, especially as Ana begins to go slightly longer stretches between eating. One of my favorite times together happened this morning while Tami was in the shower. I lay next to my beautiful girl as she woke from a nap and we just stared at each other for several minutes of perfect happy not-hungry or have-to-potty bliss. She is beautiful to look at and to be looked at by.

I think there was a similar progression with Enzo where it took some time for me to know that I could make him comfortable at any time. It's so far from where we are now though. Especially since Enzo can eat solid foods and I'm confident in taking him potty. Only Tami takes Ana potty. I'm not quite ready yet to feel I can hold her securely over her little potty. Tami started taking her potty right away since knowing what to do after teaching Enzo how to go potty. I told Tami I'll wait a little longer before taking her potty so that I can get a better idea of how to support her from watching Tami do it. I'm almost ready now. Of course, Ana can't use sign language to tell us she has to go as Enzo does now and we don't catch either of their needs to go every time.

I regularly remind myself when making observations about Enzo and Ana's differences that I have to compare Enzo of 16 months ago and that he has grown and developed dramatically in that time as has our relationship.

As for the trip. The kids seem to have handled the long drive well, to be enjoying the attention of their family here, and not to be too bothered by the 100+ degree weather we experience between the air conditioned car and the buildings.

It's good to be back in Phoenix. I miss the heat and my family here.

Granted, I have had a few high anxiety episodes on this trip so far and the heat, one of my triggers, has played a part. I remind myself that people live in this heat, that breathing hard and sweating while carrying a load of bags up a hill from the Colorado River is perfectly normal, that you can't actually die or pass out from panic attacks or anxiety, that anxiety spells go away and can not physically last more than several minutes, that I'm ok, that I used to find so much pleasure in road trips and the desert so I need to be aware of the present reality and not miss it by spending my time in anxious thoughts, and that the world is not a constantly dangerous and scary place despite the adrenaline inspired feelings to the contrary as it goes through my veins and reinforces the fearful looping thoughts in my mind.

At the border of California and Arizona is the Colorado River. The KOA campground has a little beach on the California side and we spent a nice long break there playing in the water yesterday. Both kids got their feet into the river, touching water that has been so far in it's travels through time and space, winding through some beautiful land along the way to greet my children's feet with coolness. It was awesome. I have often wanted to stop there and never have before so I was pretty happy to finally do so and with my family. The cool river felt so good on such a hot day. Enzo had a blast and I think he could have played in the river the whole day and been happy about it.

After showering the sand off of him, he took a nice nap as he and his sister rested in the KOA air conditioned play room. For some reason I started sweating profusely around that time and had the highest anxiety episode I have had in nearly two years. It took some time to let it pass and Tami helped me to process through the thoughts. It wasn't fun. Everything up to that was cool, but that episode pretty much sucked.

[Pause in writing. That was written Wednesday and now I'm continuing on Thursday. Kids take away quiet blog time. That's ok.]

Heat and sweat have helped keep my anxiety up. But not at all moments. There are times when I walk out into the hot dry air and I remember how much I love being here. Many other times though, I will notice that I am not having a problem and then feel like that fact, that state of being, is precarious. I am often feeling that I am either experiencing anxiety or am on a temporary reprieve, balanced barely along a precipice. Even thinking that sometimes makes me slide further into anxiousness.

I am also noticing that I am so often having a difficult time being relaxed. I can enjoy playing with my children. I can love hearing my son laugh and play with his mom in the hotel pool. But almost always I am feeling like I am on guard against danger as I need to protect them. Constantly on guard and not relaxed. There are exceptions but they seem too rare. Generally, my happiness comes from being with my children and watching and playing with them and my relaxation comes from knowing they are safely with their mother while I am elsewhere and can let my guard down. Not a sustainable plan. I'm hoping to discover that balance of responsible parenting and alertness without the heightened-threat feeling of being always on guard against imminent danger.

As I said, there are exceptions.

This morning Tami took Enzo down for breakfast and I stayed in the room with Ana. Soon she awoke and we lay together admiring the world. Then we played and walked around the room and enjoyed the morning. It was perfect and I was relaxed and that made it all the better to be able to totally appreciate my daughter. This time together on vacation has been good.

Also, today is Enzo's half birthday. Tami sang to him "happy half birthday to you..." in Spanish and he chuckled as he woke up this morning.

Overall I would say it's good to be in Arizona and I am glad to be visiting family. I'm grateful to have a life where I can spend so much time with my children. Anxiety sucks and this week is among the more challenging in a very long time. It's clouding my thinking a bit but it's the experience I'm having. So be it. Thankfully it's actually getting better, I'm feeling more in the moment today and less caught up in a loop of anxious thoughts. I'm lucky to have Tami here to help me process my anxieties. While my family here in Arizona has their own particular challenges, I am glad to be here and to see them as there is something comforting about proximity and watching my own children interact with the children of, and the family that is, an important part of my memories, values, and development. Even now, being here while they live their lives, listening to Nina, I learn by example.

Sleep-throws

I've never seen death-throws but I imagine them to be quieter and calmer than the sleep-throws I witnessed my son battle tonight.  While there were punctuated moments of silence, these were engulfed in wreathing and thrashing-about moments in which my son's body flailed and his head flopped against the otherwise peaceful organic mattress and causing the humanely harvested, sustainable forest certified, wooden slats that surround his head to be subjected to the only violent blows they had ever experienced since being gently felled on to a bed of lushness on a happy and sunny hillside in Oregon.  This hour long cacophonic process of falling to sleep was peppered with another occasional type of quiet moment here and there in which Enzo would look, quite naturally in the fading light, straight into my eyes with a neutralness that stated clearly that it was perfectly normal that he lie there briefly in a buddha-like sense of self possession and peace only a fraction of a moment after, and moments before, mimicking the sounds and motions of the tortured souls within the fantasized gates of eternal suffering that reside in certain dark imaginations.  Perfectly natural, indeed.  Amidst the noise and thrashing about sleep did sneak up unnoticed.  I am always amazed how it does this.  I have noticed before in the more typical off-to-sleep times how Enzo's singing and chatting with himself will suddenly be replaced with quiet, sleep having snuck up on him mid-story.  On occasion, like tonight, sleep will sneak up on everyone.  It is past midnight now when Tami and I have woken with Ana's requests for attention to find that we are dressed, in bed, and the lights are on in other rooms.  Enzo remains peaceful as an angel, body growing, memories forming, synapses exercising during his hard-earned sleep and dreaming of wooden blocks, zerberts, and laughing with his Mama while being held upside down by her.

More June

I've been working on living in the moment; being aware of now.  Either through success or because of the great challenge of living in the moment, I certainly haven't taken time to write on my reflections lately.  But I will say a little now and show a few pictures.

Ana is absolutely beautiful.  Every yawn is gorgeous.  When she looks at me I feel satisfied.  She is growing beautifully and I love her.

Enzo smiles like sunshine.  I want to buy whatever he's selling.  Thankfully he sells nothing and gives away free hugs.  When he snuggles in for a hug it makes me feel like I'm getting hugged all over each and every molecule.  A complete and engulfing snuggle.  It's like the fondest memory of peace and comfort and love.

These kiddos are beautiful.  Tami is beautiful.  It's still amazing how we created two such perfectly beautiful and happy children.  What are the odds?  Lucky Mud.

 My flower.

 My girls.

Enzo playing in a stream.

So beautiful!

It was time to sell Val.  We have been so many places together and have had so many good memories.  However, my motorcycle touring days are behind me, and perhaps there are some ahead of me as well.  But while the kids are so young at home, the peace that comes from riding long and far alone on a bike has more loneliness then I care to appreciate at this point in my life.  It's a change that happened of it's own and one that I'm willing to listen to.  Perhaps in the future, when I have collected much more to contemplate, the long road will call me back.  Tami and I said goodbye to Val and thought of new adventures on new toys to come.

 Oh, RC, such a perfect sport bike.  Alas, it was time to say goodbye to this exquisite machine as well.  I have never ridden a more perfectly tuned bike than this.  I can't believe I let myself sell this bike.  It's such a perfect sport bike.  But this is a different time in life and the money from the RC will not be squandered.  And so, the search for a certain new and exciting four wheeled toy begins.... More to come on that when the search is over.

The first of the new toys is arrived.  The coolest motorcycle I have ever owned!  Surely this will appear in future posts and pictures here.  This is a 1967 Norton Atlas and it is AWESOME!  I am loving this bike.  I feel so similar to when I rode my first motorcycle.  This bike is absolutely-exactly the bike for me right now.  It's just so cool! It's just so interesting to ride and to start and to park and to look at and to apply a wrench to.  It is the exact bike for my new motorcycling adventures.  It is awesome.  It is everything I wanted and didn't know I wanted in a bike right now.  It's like a new favorite hat but cooler because it's a super-cool motorcycle.

Watching Papi kick start the Norton through the kitchen window.

My little Ana asleep on a walk.

Enzo walking the Los Gatos creek trail.

Hello Beautiful Girl!

Tami and Ana in Capitola.  Being with my family at the beach was all I wanted for Father's Day and it was such a perfect day.  Last year was my first Father's Day and I had one child.  This year was my second and I had two children.  Tami assures me this is the last year of such numerical coincidence.

Enzo laughing with Mama on a hot day with his sister.

When I met Tami she talked about her car that she bought brand new after college and how much she loved it.  Her 1998 Chevy Cavalier.  She said she would keep it until 100,000 miles.  Then, when she hit 100k she decided she would keep it longer and see it at 200,000 miles.  With less than 500 miles to go, and an engine that has never been taken apart, the car is almost there.  But, Tami decided to give it to her dad for Father's day instead.  Enjoy Harold.

Look at this kid!

Happy at bath time and getting every bit of joy out of every available splash.

It's June

Guest Post by Tami:

There has been a lot going on recently in the lives of our children that hasn't made it to the blog and I feel compelled to write this post to share them.

 

Ana went to her first A's game.  Yes, they lost (as they have been doing a lot of that lately, but hopefully with Geren gone, maybe they'll find themselves on a winning streak), but it was still an exciting day in baseball.  Ana slept through most of the game, similar to how Enzo did for most of last season. 

 

She didn't seem to mind the crowd or the cheers.  Enzo really enjoys the games now.  He likes to stand in between the seats and walk back and forth between us.  He knows to put his water bottle in the cup holder and to clap and cheer when everyone else does.

Ana also had her first stage debut as a part of the City of Newark's Annual Dance Revue.

She went out on stage with me when I was introduced as an assistant and at the end of the shows for the finale. Enzo and Ana also accompanied my sister, mother, father, and myself in the family parade at the end of the first half.  Ana is still a bit young to know how she'll do in the spotlight, but Enzo loved being on stage and backstage.  He loved watching the dancing and was often dancing and clapping along to the music.  He liked one hula dance in particular because of the hula skirts that he found quite fascinating.


You can see me talk about the annual review here. I was asked last minute to say something.  I didn't really know what I was saying.  You can't really tell that Ana is in her wrap right below my face.

Enzo has also recently discovered the joys of climbing... on everything!  He climbs on the kitchen chairs so that he can sit, or rather stand, at the big table, instead of his high chair.  He also pushes the chair around the kitchen first to find the perfect place to stand on the chair in order to reach things on the counter.  He climbs up on the couch and its arms in order to reach things behind it.  Last night he climbed to stand on the arm rest of his little rocking chair to look out the window of his room.  He then looked back at me as he lifted one leg in an attempt to climb on top of his dresser.  He also likes to climb on to his motorcycle, sit, rock, stand and rock, and slide off.  He's quite the stunt master at almost 18 months. 



He has also made friends with two little girls on the block that like to shout out "Hi Enzo" whenever they see us.  He always stops, turns, smiles, and walks in their direction.  We have recently noticed him taking a couple of skips in the fast walking... running is right around the corner.  Exciting, but oh sh**!

17 Months

Enzo is 17 months old today. He is celebrating by taking his sister to her first A's game. I saw him lean over and kiss his sister on the cheek a couple of days ago. That was super sweet and super adorable and left me a little stunned as I didn't expect that level of expression from my son yet. Then yesterday he leaned over so that I could kiss his forehead. Thinking about this, he's coming a long way with kissing. He blows kisses with his hand over his mouth and makes the kissy-smack noise when he blows kisses straight into the air. I wonder if his kisses to mom and dad will change. Those usually involve a laugh as his entire mouth goes over our nose or cheek. I do enjoy those kisses. It's impossible not to smile thinking about them. It's good to see he can adjust as needed for his little sister's little cheeks though. He's probably too young to appreciate how beautiful she smells with her baby scent when he kisses her but he'll have his chance to notice that, perhaps with his own baby, when he is older. It is a delicious and comfortable smell that compliments her cuteness and softness perfectly. Enzo has a beautiful smell as well though it has already changed from his original little baby smell. It is still as addicting to inhale though.

He really is growing. Yesterday he slept in, played a bit and went back to sleep for a long nap. The whole family did the same and it was very nice and needed. When he woke up he looked like his own older brother; appearing taller and feeling heavier as he casually stretched himself awake. My little baby boy is changing.

The older I get, the more cliches I hear in my head, told to myself spontaneously and in ernest. They grow up so fast.

Two and a Half

(Sleeping Ana.)

Ana is two and a half weeks old. It feels like she has been part of the family for months. It is odd to think she was born just three Fridays ago. She is doing great, looking beautiful, super gorgeous and sweet and adorable and lovable. She is in that early phase of life where she is mostly asleep or eating and so I consider it a special gift when she is perfectly content and awake and I get to hold her. Asleep is ok too. Her head is SO soft with her silky hair. I think it is the softest surface I have ever touched. Her cheeks and head are delightful to kiss as is her neck and I try to get in a full ration of kisses every day.

(My beautiful girls.)

Ana Uku is, in other words, so incredibly beautiful and perfect. And I love her.

(Monte the recliner.)

Enzo continues to be gentle and sweet with his sister "baby." They get along well. I've also been watching Enzo and our dog Monte and realizing that Monte is becoming Enzo's dog instead of mine or Tami's. There are times now and then when Monte would like a short break from all of the attention Enzo gives during their playtime and that can sometimes include Monte being hugged and poked and kissed/bitten and adored by Enzo for quite a while. Enzo loves his dog. He also likes to play in the cloth dog kennel in the living room, with or without Monte, but especially with. Yesterday Monte got in trouble and I sent him to his kennel. You would think that Enzo just received the coolest prize ever. His smile became huge, he screamed out in excitement, and ran the fastest his little 16 and a half month old legs could run to join Monte, and then dove in to the kennel. Poor dog got more than he bargained for but he certainly didn't get time to reflect on his misbehavior. Enzo eventually calmed down in there and he and I blew kisses to each other through the mesh windows. It was a fun way to spend time after work. Speaking of Enzo looking as though he just received the coolest prize ever, he only looks that excited about people at this point and that is awesome.... especially when it's for me.

(He is such a happy kid.)

Someone told Tami that Ana would have me wrapped around her finger. Tami replied yes she would but she couldn't see how Ana would have me any more wrapped then Enzo has already. I like that story. I adore these kids. They can have me wrapped around their fingers all they like, so long as I still know when to dig my heels in for their own well being and happiness. Otherwise, I have never been happier at the service and whim of others.

(Tami taught Enzo to smell flowers and here he is giving her a flower petal to smell.)

(Enzo and Papi on the beach.)

As I said, it feels like all four of us have been together for longer than the two and a half weeks since Ana has joined us on the outside. In that brief time, I have a couple of new treasured family memories. Twice now we have spent the day at the beach. Once we were at Twin Lakes beach in Santa Cruz and Ana spent the time in the shade with her Mama while Enzo "swam" in the sand and explored the beach. He wasn't interested in the ocean itself on that day. The other time was in Capitola with Nicole and Shea. Ana stayed snuggled up with Mama In one of her baby wearing carriers and Enzo explored ocean and beach and had a great time chasing around Shea's orange beach ball. It was great for me to see him playing with the water rising up his legs, watching him run away and into the water, looking and picking up rocks and kelp, and loving him right where the great big ocean of the world meets the land. My other new memories involve staring closely at Ana Uku in my arms and kissing her gently on her head, neck, and cheeks. I can recreate the memory perfectly of how soft and beautiful she is as I sit here miles away right now. And I know that someday I will not likely be able to do that, memories being imperfect as they are. I'll have to be satisfied knowing that I treasured the experience absolutely while I had it to live.

Enzo Grows Up

Enzo grew up in one night. It was the first night he spent away from us, the night his sister was born.

He stayed with his Auntie Tia (Tami's sister Traci) when we went to the hospital for delivery. He spent two nights away from us as we stayed at the hospital for two nights. That was not easy for us; we had never stayed the night away from him before. We were so happy to have our Ana with us that first night but it was difficult to not have our Enzo with us. The next day we knew Traci would bring Enzo to visit and meet his sister. We were both curious how he would take having a sibling. He is 16 months old. Would he be jealous? Angry? Tami and I talked about this but mostly we were looking forward to seeing him when he visited.

And then The Kid arrived. He had grown up over night. I don't know for sure how much he had actually changed in a night as a result of being away from us or returning to a new family dynamic. Maybe a little. I don't know how much of this change was only perceived by me. Maybe most, maybe all.

But Enzo had grown up. I picked him up when he came in and he was sooo much heavier. I had only been a day without lifting him. His legs are so much thicker. He seems more thoughtful. In one day he had become more mature, bigger, more responsible. I don't know how much of this is in his body or in my mind, but the results will be the same very soon. When you change your perspective about someone, changing expectations of them, the way you speak to them, the way you listen to them, then that someone changes. And so Enzo will be more responsible, mature, and grown up now because something changed for me.

When Enzo walked in to the room at the hospital, it at first appeared our worst fears were true. He was sad, unhappy, didn't look at his sister and was avoiding us. He just looked at us with a sad face. But it wasn't a problem with his sister. Traci said he was very good with her. But, seeing us again, I believe, made him realize that he missed us and I suspect he was dealing with some trust and abandonment emotions at that point when he found us in front of him again. It took a few minutes of sympathy, a whole bunch of kisses, sweet words and playfulness, but Enzo came back to loving comfort that day and met his sister. You want to hear sad? He was crying when he left as we were to stay one more night. That was pretty much the worst good bye ever with him.

The next day, we were together again as a family, a bigger family.

Enzo has definitely met his sister now and taken on a sweet role as brother. I look forward to watching this relationship develop over the years. When I placed Ana in her swing, Enzo started rocking it for her all by himself. When I gave Ana her first sponge bath, Enzo stood next to me and quietly watched even as she began to fuss and cry out in hunger before I was finished. When Tami and I played with her and watched her last night, Enzo ever so carefully walked around her, sat down, and said "baby" as he touched her belly with one finger. He calls his sister baby. When she called out in hunger from the other room this morning, Enzo told me it was baby. He is grown up. He is more mature. He is more responsible. And thankfully, he has mostly forgiven us for not being with him for two nights.

I love our Enzo. I love our Ana.

Ana Uku

Our beautiful daughter was born on May 6th. Her name is Ana Uku. Both are Taíno words; the language of the native people of Puerto Rico. Ana means flower and Uku means earth, land, soil, terrain. As Tami said, she is our flower from the land. I think of the words Ana and Uku. They are beautiful words and my daughter deserves a connection to them. The ideas and mental images of the words are impressive in my mind. I think of her and images of flowers and earth and I feel good and I like the essence of my thoughts. How Ana Uku decides to interpret her name will be up to her, of course. I do hope she takes into mind the idea of nourishing land; a basis for sustenance and a frame to life. I do hope she takes into mind the idea of a flower whose functional beauty is purposeful but goes beyond that requirement to make the world better and more alive with it's poetry and beauty in being. These are good concepts to consider when developing values and relationships to places in her time and life; when defining her existence through being and adding meaning to her name through her own existence.

And so now there is Ana, my Ana Uku, out of the womb and sharing this great world. She is beautiful, loved, and calm. Yes, she seems to have the calmness and demeanor of her brother so far and there will be no mistaking that they are related by looks either. And they are adorable. We couldn't be luckier to have such adorable children to care for and love.

Our two children were born 16 months and one week apart on the same floor of the same building, within an inch of each others height and within an ounce of each others weight. But there were certainly differences in the experiences. Tami recalls that for Enzo she labored three days before going into Labor and Delivery (5th floor at the hospital) where she then spent 19 hours (I had written 15 hours in my blog but that may be a typo) helping her son find his way out. Exhausting, yes. Ana took 4 hours in Labor and Delivery and Tami labored for a total of about 24 hours. Huge difference! I won't say easy for an experience so demanding, but certainly less time was involved in a challenging part of baby making this second time around. And here is something super interesting..... Ana was delivered while her mother was standing! Yes! Standing! Tami was rocking and swaying and squatting, feet planted on the ground, while resting her hands on the bed to help Ana finish her preparations to join us on the outside. At one point the midwife checked on her and Tami said it's time, she is coming now, I feel her. The midwife checked and said yes, get into bed you are about to have a baby. And Tami said no, she is coming now. And that she was. So, the second midwife slipped down, asked our doula (Stephanie was our doula for both of our babies' births) to place a pillow on the floor under Tami, just in case, and Tami delivered our beautiful Ana right there, without issue, while standing. It was AWESOME and somehow perfect and now I can't imagine any other way for Ana to have been born. The midwives just passed Ana through Tami's legs, helped Tami into bed and placed our baby on her chest where Ana found herself quite happy. The midwife who received Ana as she was born thought it was cool because she so rarely gets to be part of deliveries with a standing mother. After a while I cut the cord, as I had with Enzo, and we spent time getting to know each other and Tami and I took turns holding our baby skin to skin.

As I said, Ana is similarly tempered to Enzo which is to say; calm and easily made comfortable with being held. They are both very beautiful. I can not help but be so impressed with Tami for bringing our babies through 9 months of pregnancy and then delivering them. It's an amazing and impressive accomplishment to have a child. We are quite lucky to have these two. Everything since has been perfect with Ana Uku. She is lying on my chest now, one of the best experiences to me, sleeping peacefully and smelling of newborn-happy-baby goodness. I love her and kissing her is a large dose of happiness.

Our Daughter Is Born

Our beautiful daughter is born! Ana Uku. Happy birthday. This is a picture of her resting after her big day. Ana Uku was born on May 6th beautiful and healthy. She is so gorgeous and wonderful to hold and love.