Inspired in Oakland, CA

(Graffiti next to Chiodo Art Development in Oakland.)

This last Saturday I enjoyed an inspirational day.  I wasn't excited about it at first.  Occasionally, my night classes also meet for all-day Saturday classes and on this particular day we were to meet in Oakland.  I was not looking forward to the hour long drive nor the neighborhood.  When we got there, however, we were in for a treat.

When the three teachers I carpooled with arrived we were warned, by someone outside, to not leave valuables in our vehicles.  Soon we were also told that whatever we imagine as bad about this part of Oakland is true and it is probably worse than we were thinking.  Interesting, why would someone have something here, of all places, that we teachers should see?  But the story gets better.  We didn't know why we were in west Oakland for class but when we walked into a warehouse we were greeted to a magic land of 15 foot bronze fairy creatures, giant colorful toads, plaster Abraham Lincoln heads, clay soldiers around a flag, and so much more.  Some pieces were fantastic and some pieces were emotionally moving.  Turns out we were at the work space and design studio of Mario Chiodo (pronounced: key-oh-dough).  Let me tell you a little bit about this guy.

Mario started out in this same neighborhood in Oakland.  He was part of an experiment in school where under performing young children were given the chance to play with art supplies for two weeks with no other educational concerns.  Then, as they were hooked, they learned more academics.  Mario ended up learning quite a bit academically and artistically.  He went on to become quite wealthy designing and creating statues, masks, casinos, monuments, exotic restaurants and more.  So many of the masks you find at Wal-Mart were designed by his Halloween mask company.  He worked for Lucas to create several Star Wars pieces including a special edition life sized Yoda series.  Ever been to Caesars Palace in Vegas?  Check out the statues and fountains; his work. Children's Fairyland park in Oakland?  The Aladdin Genie popping out of a bottle at the entrance is his work (he paid for half the costs to create it himself when Fairyland could not afford it).

(Mario Chiodo's design studio.)

Mario built his business right in the west Oakland neighborhood he came from.  He takes his interns from the same school district he was part of.  He brings in under served students and teaches them and inspires them with art.  What is his current project?  The Remember Them monument.  For over four years Mario has devoted himself to this project by working on the sculpture for no pay, selling off his lucrative Halloween Mask business, not taking on new paying projects, selling off buildings that he owned, using his own wealth and getting donations from others to maintain progress on this impressive project.  Mario is honoring 25 people from around the world who changed their lives to make the world a better place.  These people devoted themselves to something great.  The Remember Them memorial statue is in four pieces and will be completed and installed in Oakland at the end of 2010.  I can hardly wait to see it installed.  Mario worked hard to ensure that it was installed in Oakland so that it will inspire exactly where inspiration is needed most, in the city.  The work is amazing.  Some of these larger than life characters are always looking at you wherever you stand.  One character only is life sized and that is the little girl Ruby Bridges.  Mario wanted people to be inspired by these great people but he also wanted children to see someone their size and know that they too can become one of the greats.  To completely tell you all that went into this project, from what little I do know, would take a lot of writing.  Let me just say that it is well thought out, very symbolic, and moving.  It is also huge!

(Segments of Remember Them statue in various stages of the process to becoming a four part, 60,000 pound bronze statue.)

I am inspired.  I am inspired by the people honored in the statue, some of whom I had never heard of before.  I am inspired by Mario who decided to give up some personal wealth to make a good thing happen, to open his business in a neighborhood that needs him when he could have located anywhere, for taking on students who deserve more than they are given.  I am inspired to remember that I can make a great change in this world through huge sacrifice but also through smaller sacrifices.  Mario used his personal talent to make a difference with children and to inspire many.  He gave up extra wealth but he didn't go broke, neglect his family, or become destitute to do something important.  He didn't need to become as sacrificing as Mother Teresa to make a difference in this world and I am glad to be reminded of this.  He must feel good about his life, he deserves to.  And now, as the project comes to an end, he is starting up his business again and taking on clients.

I can't stop asking myself what I can do to make the world a better place with the resources and talents I posses.  How can I use my skills to make a positive difference?  This is what I am thinking about regularly.

(Mario Chiodo outside his design studio and warehouse in west Oakland.)

Check out these websites:

Remember Them Website

The 25 "Champions for Humanity" in the statue

Chiodo Art Development Website

Maya Angelou Talking about the project:

The Talented Enzo Raines

Guess who flipped himself over?  While at work on Monday, I got a call from Tami telling me that Enzo had lifted himself on his elbows and flipped over to his back.  It was fun to hear about Enzo's accomplishment but it was also just great to be interrupted in my day at work to think about, and hear about, my son.  That night in class, another student/teacher, whom I have rarely spoken to, asked me about my child.  I was SO excited to tell her about Enzo and about him flipping over.  I was smiling and after our brief discussion I found myself thanking her for giving me a reason to talk about my son as it makes me so happy.  A mother herself, she just smiled and said "Yes, I know."

On Sunday my parents and my sister joined us for a walk around the lake at Vasona Park in Los Gatos.  It was good to get out into the world on such a beautiful day.  I think my mom got a kick out of watching Enzo pee on a tree.  Yes, he is only 12 weeks old tomorrow, but he pees outside once in a while.  Tami learned about how, if you pay attention, you can tell when a baby wants to pee or poop, not just react to the fact that they have already wet a diaper, but tell before they go.  Then, you can remove their diaper and they can go.  It's cool because, besides having less diapers to wash, our child spends a lot less time in wet diapers.  It's neat how Tami can tell so often.  There are days when Enzo will go half the day without sitting in a wet diaper once.  Neat.  I'm only just starting to get the hang of noticing before he wants to go.  It's interesting, he gets a little fussy but not so much as if he has wet his diaper.  It's the kind of thing you might not notice if you were not looking for it, if you didn't know there was a sign or meaning to it.  You might just go "What's up Kid?" then pick him up and he would go back to normal.  But, a couple of minutes later he would fuss again, uncomfortable, and you might try distracting him then except that this time he will have a wet diaper.  Or, you could know what that little initial frustration means, understand it as a sign, a communication, and help him go to the bathroom.  At home we have a little potty for him that Tami supports him on when she picks up on Enzo's signals.  But sometimes, out in nature, he goes on the trees, just like his daddy!  It's so funny to me that he learned how to pee outside from his mom first.

Impressed with my wife, I am trying to develop my own senses in understanding my child's subtle communication.  Last night I think I may have actually read his mind!  Well, I can't be sure but a thought popped into my mind that seemed to be coming from Enzo.  Just as he was finished eating, and getting ready to doze off, he unlatched, looked up at his adoring mother and thought "I wonder where the boob is that mommy eats from.  It must be huge!"

To the ever increasing list of things I love about my son, I have added another experience.  It's always such a warm feeling to hold him close with his head looking over my shoulder.  I love it.  But there is something even cooler.  Sometimes he puts his other hand, the one not on the shoulder he is looking over, up as though to hold on to my shirt, chest or neck.  It's a subtle difference but somehow it feels even more awesome.  It somehow seems to imply to my psyche that he is reaching out to me, not just a passive observer over my shoulder, but that he also wants to actively hold and touch and love me back.  I'm okay with knowing his mind is not thinking these things, but it triggers the feelings within me as if he were.  And, I love it.  I took a picture of this when I got home last night so you can see what I am talking about.  Fantastic!  As tired as I was at that moment, holding Enzo energized and soothed me.  That little gesture of his hand made it even better.

Tough Kid

(Just minutes after shots.)

Enzo received his first shots yesterday and handled them with little drama.  It was almost as though the shots were little more to him than a wet diaper.

Tami prepared Enzo by explaining to him what would happen at the doctor's office.  She told him in her own way and in Spanish.  When I got home, Tami drove and I sat with Enzo explaining to him what would happen as I saw it, in my own way and in English.  

Roughly, what I said to him was:
We are going to the doctors office to get shots for you.  The doctors office is where we go to see doctors who help us stay healthy and get healthy.  The shots were designed to protect you and help you stay healthy.  They are important for everyone, to help protect all the people we meet.  Mommy and daddy have had our shots too.  Shots are uncomfortable but you will probably get use to them in time.  It's normal that they hurt a bit, it's normal to cry, it's normal that they don't feel comfortable, but the pain goes away.  I love you.  Mommy and daddy wouldn't take you for these shots if we didn't believe they are a good thing.  We will be there with you the whole time, before, during, and after.  It will all be okay and the pain will go away.

I know Enzo does not speak Spanish or English yet, but he does communicate with us and we do our best to pay attention to him and interpret his needs.  I wanted to communicate to him all that I did tell him in words, but in that subtle way of body language and mood that he could partially understand.  I don't know how to imply my intentions directly in those ways but I know we all betray them when we talk.  So, I figured that if I used words that are honest to my thoughts then my body's betrayal of my mood and intentions would communicate the essence of my message to Enzo.  That's one of the reasons it was important to me that I tell Enzo all that I did.  He smiled, he listened, he talked back making sounds and being adorable.  It was good.  It was honest.  I also told him all of the above because I think it is good to talk openly with children.  The other reason is because it was good for me to prepare myself for the experience.  I knew the shot would be uncomfortable.  It certainly goes against the animal body instinct to view such a piercing of our flesh as a beneficial act.  It takes intellect to rationalize that and babies are dependent on the intellect of their adults until their own intellect develops.  I didn't want to betray his trust by delivering him to the pain of the shot without him knowing, as much as possible, that it was not in fact a betrayal.  And, I didn't want to set the precedence that when I am concerned for him that I would just deal with it in my head and let my son go through a traumatic moment in my silence.

Clearly, I was prepared for an ordeal; a right of passage for my son to make it through.  I suppose I imagined that 10 minutes of unconsolable tears and torture would begin at the first shot. As it turned out, however, the ordeal was not nearly so tramatic for Enzo as I was prepared for.  It went like this:

(Enzo on table, Tami and I each holding one of his hands gently)
(Shot one went in)
(A second goes by)
"Aaaaa."
(Shot came out)
Enzo back to normal within 2 seconds, just hanging out.  Wow, I expected more pain.
(Shot two went in)
"Aaa....Aaaaa"
(Shot came out and instantly shot three went in)
"AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
(Shot came out)
"aaa..aaaa" and then calm.

It was like nothing happened and the whole thing lasted only seconds, it seemed.  Enzo's level of discomfort was similar to him having a wet diaper, maybe like having two wet diapers at the same time, if that is possible.  It felt worse for Tami and I then any wet diaper but Enzo looked instantly recovered from the shots.  I was reassured, and surprised, by how quickly Enzo went back to every-day-relaxed-baby mode.  The last vaccine, after the three shots, was a liquid that the nurse gave him to swallow through a little squeeze tube that she put in his mouth.  It looked neither like a boob nor a hand and so Enzo was not happy about it.

(Liquid dropper into mouth)
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! aaaaaaa aaaa aa AAA! AAAA! AAAAAAA! aaaaa AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
That was more annoying to him then the shots!
(Liquid dropper out)
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa...aa..aaa...aa."
And back to normal and in my arms.

And that was that!  Really.  I almost teared up during the third shot, a mixture of relief and sympathy.  But the whole thing was so quick and his complaints were equally short.  In the end, I was just amazed at how little this seemed to disturb Enzo.  Tami had fed him while at the doctors office and that always makes him mellow so I can not tell for sure if he was less animated on the way home only because he had eaten or partly because he was a little tired or sore from the event.  He didn't look angry or scared.  He did not seem emotionaly frustrated.  I was plain relieved and happy at how well Enzo handled the experience.

Hours later, into the night, he did become uncomfortable.  By then his legs, where the shots were injected, were red.  We were told to expect redness and swelling in the legs and to give him Tylenol if he developed a fever under 102 and to call if 102 or above.  His head seemed a little warm to us but the thermometer showed that he was not warm so we did not give him medicine.  He was a bit fussy and he did not want to be put down.  That's not a problem for us.  So, we loved him and we held him and we gently rubbed his legs do disperse the vaccines as we were told to do.  Eventually, Enzo fell asleep.  We checked on him through the night but he slept fine.  This morning, his legs looked normal and Enzo looked as content as a happy baby.

A Day in Santa Cruz

(Is this kid cute, or what?  Enzo smiling in Santa Cruz.)

I woke up this morning feeling a bit "antsy"... a lot antsy, really.  I get this feeling often enough, usually to a lesser degree, and it indicates some approaching change I will feel compelled to make.  The change is sometimes big (move to a new state) and sometimes small (find a new coffee shop to read at) depending on what it takes to satisfy the psychological itch.  Manifestations of this feeling vary and have included break ups, quitting a job, changing hair and/or beard, moving, and various other rockings of that great ship named Stability.  I wonder how it will manifest this time?  I've already shaved my face recently, will the sideburns go?  I have no intention or desire to break up my relationship.  Moving could work but not this year.  So, as far as the big ship-shakers there is a job and a pony tail that could get cut loose.  Maybe the need for change is not so great as all that this time.  Perhaps I can sate the antsyness by finding a new route to and from work or by painting my bicycle a bright color or learning something new.  Still, the job and the hair seemed on the line going into my day.

Greg had invited us to join him at his cousin's new cafe in Santa Cruz called the Windmill Cafe next to Twin Lakes Beach.  It's not difficult to convince me to go to Santa Cruz anyway but with the weather of a day like this and the inherent obligation of exposing my son to the magic of the world that only exists near that narrow band of our planet we call the shore, Tami and I decided to take Greg up on that invitation and head to the coast.  The cafe was excellent and Greg's cousin Mary was super sweet.  There are people that just exude goodness and she is one of those people.  Sitting in the sunshine with my friend, wife, son, Mexican hot chocolate, magical coastal air, and easy conversation, I forgot my antsyness of the morning.  Like all good Sunday's in Santa Cruz, our intended short visit turned into an all day event that, in this case, ended with dinner at an Italian restaurant on Soquel.  Enzo, I believe, had a good time in Santa Cruz.

After such a good day, driving home full of delicious artichoke ravioli goodness, I started to think about my antsyness from the morning.  By this point the Randy on a hammock in the back of my mind was considering and weighing the possibilities of a new career entirely, spiked hair, transferring to a downtown school, green hair, an administrator position, shaving off all of my hair, a new school district, and the hair of the guy that hosts "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" on the Food Network.  My mind eventually worked it's way to what I think is the bigger question; not how this desire for change would manifest, but why was I feeling this way in the first place.  What was my motivation?  Before what force of my psyche was my mind marching?

Was it out of the healthy motivation and powerfulness of life inspired by the approaching Spring? I am about to graduate after two years in a Master's program.  I am full of new confidence and knowledge.  I have been watching my effectiveness as a teacher and agent of positive change develop.  My aspirations to make a difference in my field have grown as well and there is arguably more that can be done at other school sites and in other capacities than in my current location and position.  Could this desire to do more drive me?

Was it out of fear that I wished to retreat?  I do sometimes have to fight those horrible worst-case-fathomable thoughts running through my mind.  I wonder if some of them have gotten to me.  They make the world seem like a giant wheel of torture and precariousness.  Am I beginning to fear threats to the balance of my life, holding on too tight as they say?  When scared of an enemy, real or imagined, running in any direction can feel the only substitute for hiding in a safe cave that doesn't exist.  Could this desire to be safe propel me?

Was it out of a healthy desire to keep life fresh and to avoid a rut?  I haven't had short hair in a couple of years.  I've been teaching similar students similar material with similar colleagues at this particular school four years and in this district for seven.  Could a desire to keep fresh pull me?

Was it my shaken confidence in the classroom last week?  I did, this last week, face a situation with a student where I felt helpless to make a positive difference.  For all of my experience and training, I simply felt like crap that I was having such a horrible time helping a particular student, a student who needs the attention and help more than so many others.  With a focus on equity, it was difficult to recognize and accept the limitations of my personal skill to overcome a circumstance I do not control.  It was worse recognizing that in my effort I was making matters worse.  Did this shake me, make me vulnerable where I want so much to succeed?  Undoubtedly, yes.  Could this realization of limits chase me?

I can't say for sure.  Do I want change out of strength or out of vulnerability?

Does it really matter?

I would like to know.  And then, I've always assumed goodness when I make dramatic changes and life has been an interesting adventure because of it.  I don't know if spending the day in Santa Cruz, acknowledging the antsyness,  or analyzing my thoughts on the drive home made the  difference, but by the time we got home I did not sense so much of the antsyness left in me.  When I saw myself in the mirror my hair looked just fine as it was.  I don't know what will happen with work but I didn't feel the need to start searching online for career options.  Maybe I just exercised the energy right out of my mind today.  Maybe it's still there and the Randy on the hammock in my mind became confident that, whatever the change coming is, all is well.  Maybe he decided to relax and let the winds of change massage his resting eye lids.  Maybe the only change he sought was a change in focus and perspective like one finds near that magical band of Earth where ocean and land come together.

Me and my Mustache

My mustache and I went out for a beer today.  I'm not a mustache person in general, not for my own face anyway.  I am a huge fan of hair and facial hair for the masses, though.  Hair is cool.  It's modified skin cells, did you know that? Yep.  When you modify skin cells you get hair.  When you modify scale cells you get feathers.  Hair is people plumage.  I like that.  Ordinary skin cells get old, flake off and become dust.  But hair, oh wonderful mamal plumage... it becomes a canvas of expression, an indicator of sleepiness, a tool of the personality.  I think more poems should be about hair.  And a man's face is like an etch-a-sketch of hairy fun potential.

As I said, I don't usually keep mustaches and I don't usually keep gaotee's either.  My wife likes me in a goatee so I occasionally wear one for her and will sometimes keep it for a day or two.  Otherwise, mustaches and goatees rarely make it out of the house though I do make them often enough transitioning from beard face to skin face.  This I do a lot as my favorite facial hair status on me is to be growing a beard rather than to be having or not having a beard.  A constant state of growing means shaving once in a while and that's where strange two and three legged mustaches happen or beards that look like anvils.  Good times.

This last four weeks, however, I did the unusuall. I kept a goatee for a whole month.  Perhaps it was my subconcious gratitude to my wife for growing and nurturing our beautiful son.  Still, all good things come to an end, and to continue with the cliches, an end is a beginning.  Tami wasn't too happy when she saw me in the morning, but today was the birth of this glorious mustache.  Yay! I'm not sure how long it will be there, resting casually on my lip like a 70's sunbather glistening by the pool, so I took it out for a beer.  A mustache like this just needs to get out in public for a bit and be seen.  And, it wanted a beer.  Guinness and a mustache, very nice.

Good Morning

(On our way to the Farmer's Market)

It's a good morning. I had gone back to work for two weeks before having a holiday week off. Today is back to work again. After changing my son's diaper and then getting ready myself while he ate with.. of? from? off of?....his mom... while he breast fed, Tami offered to make my lunch so that I could hold Enzo some more before work. She is very sweet.

(Enzo checking out the fish)

Enzo is super cuddly to hold. Growing quite a bit as well. Several clothes are now in the "Don't Fit Anymore" pile. One of my favorite things to do when holding him is to kiss his neck. Super soft. Of course, we chat and look around at the world. This last week for example, Enzo did quite a bit of looking around. Tami worked as a staff development presenter early in the week and that meant that Enzo and I got our first time alone together. For two days he and I would drive off and go walking around for an adventure and then come back for him to eat with his mom every couple of hours when he started looking hungry. That's one thing I can not do for him is breast feed. But, I can take him for walks and show him the Santa Teresa foot hills, downtown Campbell, and downtown Los Gatos. And that's what we did. The rest of the week was eventful as well. Tami, Enzo and I went for our first trip to the rebuilt Academy of Sciences museums in San Francisco. I think he liked the fish. And wow, there were some interesting fish. Beautiful in their own way but not at all in a "wow, I'm hungry and that sure looks like food" kind of way. I told this to Tami and then we started thinking about it and decided that, other than fruit and vegetables, food sure does not look appealing as food in nature. This, I think, is especially true of certain fish, but also true of a cow. A cow just does not make me hungry. Not even when I did eat meat. I'm sure a lion thinks differently. A lion must certainly salivate when it sees a zebra but I don't. I've been to the zoo and nothing I saw looked like a menu item. I have seen wild berries and apples on trees and thought, "that looks good," while I picked and ate them.

(Tami and Enzo in Golden Gate Park)

Yesterday we went to the Computer History Museum with my sister who was staying with us. The exhibit was extremely small as they are still preparing for larger exhibits to open after summer. We will certainly go back then. What they did have was interesting and included the first computer mouse integrated into a widow user interface made by Xerox at their PARC facility in Palo Alto, early disk drives invented by IBM in San Jose, and one of the first Apple computers, the Apple I, built in Sunnyvale. It's amazing how much of the world's digital technology came together within a few miles of my house. Even Google, Yahoo, Ebay, ethernet cables, internet technology, the microprocessor, and so much more, were born within a small radius of home. I wonder what new technology is being thought of right now within these few miles.

About this morning....

I held Enzo, while Tami made my lunch, long enough that he fell asleep in my arms. How much is that worth in dollars?

It takes so little to make a child comfortable and I was able to provide all of it (except his food) for my son before I left for work in the morning. That is a good morning. Looking down at him cuddled against my arm and chest, eyes closed and breathing calmly, arm nestled up towards his face, legs on my arm.... that's the happy image I carry with me today, that is my reward for having a few extra minutes in the morning to appreciate my son.

One Month Old

(Monte at Seabright Beach)

Yes, Enzo is now one month old. He is beautiful and I miss him already. Why do I miss him? Because tomorrow I go back to work and I won't be able to look at or pick up Enzo when ever I feel like it. I am SO glad that I took a month off from work to be with my son and I wish there were some way to take him and have him with me while I work.

(View from the bed & breakfast)

In preparation for this, Tami had the brilliant idea of Enzo, Tami, myself, and Monte going to Capitola and staying overnight. Tami knew that I had been anxiously awaiting the day when I could take Enzo to the beach and she thought this would be a great way to spend some family time together before I start work again. She is very smart. We had an excellent time surrounded by a beautiful world. We just hung out at a bed & breakfast on the Capitola cliff with an ocean view and ocean sounds. The next day we went to Seabright beach. It was pretty cold so Enzo stayed bundled up this time. We will certainly go back to play at the beach when it warms up.

(Enzo goes to Santa Cruz)

Enzo turned one month old on Saturday and had a little party with his grandparents and tia's. That turned out to be a great time, and as has happened before when family comes to visit Enzo, Tami and I fell asleep on the couch before the party was over. We needed the sleep and I'm sure the family was happy to have Enzo to themselves. While we were awake we had a great time with family and good food.

(Enzo and Grandpa Hun)

The main thoughts I have right now are 1) I know it's time to go back to work but I will very much miss my son being so close to me, 2) Spending so much time with Tami and Enzo has been fantastic, 3) Wow, I have plenty to do tomorrow as I get back in the swing of things at work, 4) I sure am lucky.

(Waking up in Capitola)

Really, I like my job and there are plenty of days off to be with family when working at a school. It's just going to be different.

Bottom line, I'm psychologically preparing for another change. I'm grieving for the past that will not come back and preparing for the new days ahead. I know they will be good. No matter how good tomorrow is, it takes a bit of acceptance to let go of an excellent today. Tami has mentioned that Enzo is looking less and less like a new born and more like a little boy. With one hand, time gives new experiences, and with the other takes away the now. I've got some pictures, some memories, and some good feelings as my souvenirs. And, I've got these new experiences time keeps handing me.

College

(Adorable!)

We spent Sunday with friends Melanie and Santiago. We walked to the farmers market then hung out and watched the football playoffs. Obviously the playoffs were not my idea. My biggest claim to sports fan-ship is that sometimes I can't find a clean hoodie and I take Tami's A's hoodie when I go out for a walk. She is a life long A's baseball fan and season ticket holder and is already planning the days when she will take Enzo to the games. Me, I've been to a few with her. I forget which movie it was from but there was a scene where the girl calls the guy on something he had said to her and he replies "Aw, baby! That was just pillow talk!" Sometimes you do things just to get the girl. I don't go to games any more, not often anyway. On the other hand, Tami has sworn off going to aircraft museums with me since our engagement (at least I waited until marriage to stop going to the A's games!). She still goes to art museums with me and that's something certain friends will never again do after a first experience. Apparently I take a while. Matt, at least we got the motorcycle ride to and from San Francisco.

The conversation with Melanie and Santiago hit on several interesting parenting points. We talked about supporting children when they wanted to do things that were "weird" and allowing or disallowing haircuts like mullets, pony tails and mohawks. For the record, I'm for everything the kid wants to do if he's experimenting in a healthy way. Especially with hair, it's a personal tapestry to be played with and grows back. We also talked about supporting children in college and this is something I have been thinking about for days. Santiago proposed that children should support themselves as adults. Tami suggested that children, supported by parents, should still finance their own way through college. Melanie and I agreed that it is the parents responsibility to cover college costs if needed and if possible.

We talked a bit about this and I am reminded of two friends, Pat and Sam, who are twins and went to an all boys private high school. Years ago I asked them separately what they thought of the experience. Pat thought it was a great experience, the greatest experiences possible for him at that point in his life. Sam, however, thought it was a horrible torture to separate boys form girls unnecessarily and would never do the same injustice to a child of his. And I think, we experience good or bad from the same circumstances. Then, we go on to make decisions for others based on our experiences not possibly knowing what is best for another who is not exactly like us in exactly the same situation. Tami financed her own college experience and supports the idea. Santiago became responsible for himself early by necessity and supports the idea. Melanie and I went back to our parents at a point and were given financial, and other, support without strings attached and we now support that idea. All four of us today are successful, college educated professionals and our various paths have worked out well for each of us. Were we all different and just lucky enough to have found exactly the support that we individually needed in life? Or, are we all the same and only feel that our story exemplifies a good path because it worked for us when any of the paths would have worked for each of us?

Well, in case we will need it, Tami and I have begun saving. It started with cousins Jenny and Anthony giving Enzo $100. Other gifts have him up to $190 now so we started his college fund. We calculated that we can currently contribute $20 each month to this savings and stock fund. At the moment, Enzo has two shares of Berkshire Hathaway class B stock and some cash. I quickly realized that at the rate of $20 per month, after 18 years and assuming that we manage his investments well enough to at least match inflation, Enzo will be able to go to 1 semester of college at a local state university. One semester! At this rate Enzo will get a little of all of our philosophies on funding a child's college education. There are 8 semesters in an efficient college experience like Tami enjoyed, quite a few more in the meandering 7 year experience that I enjoyed and that does not count the graduate school work we both have enjoyed. We're both the better for what we have seen but the point here is that we will need to put away $160 per month to be sure we've got four years at the state university covered. Of course, he may take the money to invest in a business or it may only equal a part of one semester's tuition at a certain private college. Who knows?

I do know that math, for all it's certainty, provides an awful lot of variables when applied to life. In the mean time, Tami and I will make sure there are at least $20 each month waiting to grow and waiting to support Enzo in his endeavors.

First Bath

Today Enzo had his first bath. Everything he does is adorable from hiccup to stare at me. So, you can be sure he accomplished his first bath with as much skill in possessing and infusing adorableness into the event. Sure, he's had a few sponge baths to warm up with, but he was still a rookie bath taker though you wouldn't have known it by watching him. He handled himself like a pro.

It's fun noticing how many "firsts" there are with a newborn. If I were to post them all there would be no time to post anything else. The cool thing about firsts is that they make it easier for a person to notice how neat life is. For me, staring at Enzo and playing with him is an awesome experience because it's inherently awesome. Some day, will I just take him for granted? He'll still be inherently awesome. But, no doubt, I will some days take my son for granted some of the time. Except, perhaps, when there is a first like a graduation, wedding, car, and so on. Life is always a fascinating treasure but we humans are just not wired to be excited every waking hour. We need our down time to recover, neural pathways and hormone levels need time to reset so our body will enjoy the next awareness of awesomeness in our lives. The thing is that it's easy, once you've been around the block a few times, to spend most of the time in a state of down time ready, but not actually excited. With firsts, the everyday common event, like a bath, is made special and I appreciate the moment.

The truth is, Enzo is so amazing because he is alive in a fantastic Universe and his every moment is something like a perfect poem of interaction. I know I will overlook so many moments of poetry over the years but during firsts, it's just a little easier to feel the poem run through our bodies. And, if we're lucky, every once in a while throughout our lives something brings the poetry to our attention.

This morning, I watched the rain come down while holding Enzo in my arms. I introduced him to the day and to the rain. Today, Enzo was my something lucky that brought the Universe to my attention. He reminded me to notice what I've seen before as something fantastic.

2 Weeks Old

Today was a big day for the birthday boy. Enzo turned 2 weeks old, earned an unfettered belly button as his umbilical stump fell off in the morning, went in for his 2 week check up, and went on his first outing to celebrate it all.

As for the appointment, Enzo is good and healthy. Our next appointment is at 2 months.

As for the outing, Tami, Enzo, and I went for a walk along the lake at Vasona Park. It was beautiful today. The clouds were out but the temperature was moderate and the geese were everywhere. Enzo was in the sling as we walked our way to a bench where we sat for a while and took in the weather. It was really nice to get out as a family. The last time we did, Enzo was on the inside.

Confessions of a Diaper Changer

But First...

I can't love my son enough. I can't kiss his forehead enough, hold him enough, look at him enough, rub his back enough, let his fingers wrap around one of mine enough, smell him enough. I can't love him enough so I spin inside with the clutch pulled in so that I don't hug him too tight in over enthusiasm. It's a good thing we see each other every day so that I may at least gently hug him often.

Our doulas said that the smell of new babies is the best and they were right. I think about how crazy-fanatic our friend Mitra gets about the smell of puppy breath. She thinks it's the best in the world. When Monte was a puppy, she use to go crazy over his puppy breath every time she came over and saw him. I always thought she was funny about the puppy-breath-smell-thing but now I understand; it's not just amusing, it's an addiction. For me the addictive smell is of Enzo; this sweet comforting smell, like the most perfect laundry detergent smell EVER. A smell that wafts over to my side of the bed sometimes at night and makes me smile. This smell I get when I kiss Enzo's chest or forehead. It's the best and I can not get enough.


Today I got to enjoy a lot of this baby smell. It was a PERFECT morning. The kind of morning that makes any vacation perfectly justifiable, all by itself. First, Enzo, for who knows what reason, slept through the night with only two diaper changes and breast feedings between one a.m. and seven a.m. What? I don't know how, but it happened so that at seven a.m. Tami and I were awake and feeling pretty good. And with this unexpected wakefulness, we were perfectly prepared to truly enjoy going back to bed, which we did. We all laid back down, even Enzo. Then, after the next feeding and diaper change we... went back to bed again. Awwwwwwwesome. Tami scratched my beard under my chin for at least five minutes. I love that. Yes, it's a little like scratching a dog under the jaw. Yes, I understand why dogs like it so much. It's excellent. I tried scratching myself but it doesn't compare. Then, Enzo and I were pretty much lying face to face over Tami and just staring at each other for a long time. I loved that too. Enzo is getting more and more muscle power so it was fun to watch him look at me and repeatedly move his arms as if to touch me. A couple of times he grabbed into my beard and I wondered if he could have been mimicking what he watched when Tami was rubbing my beard. Speaking of mimicking, Enzo is starting to look as though he is mimicking facial expressions. He definitely has some interesting looks that vary from grumpy old man to happy smiling baby. But as of last night, and twice today, it looks like he is mimicking my smile when I have him close and smile at him. It is beautiful weather by coincidence or any other cause. It could be his happiness at seeing me, or learning through mimicry, or gas. Just the same, I love to see that baby smile.

As an extra bonus for the day, I took a motorcycle ride, the first one since Enzo's birth, on the Valkyrie. I just went for a short ride and then to a coffee shop to prepare for a homework assignment. The last semester of my master's degree program begins at the end of January and on the first day of class we are to turn in a ten page paper. Tami said she was okay with me leaving for a while to ride to the coffee shop to start my paper and then to stop by Whole Foods for some groceries. The ride felt so good and refreshing. Just to be on the bike again and take a couple of twisty turns in the Stevens Creek foot hills was beautiful. I actually ended up stopping at the winery where Tami and I had our first date years ago. Then I went to a coffee shop in Cupertino where the latte was excellent. The paper I intended to begin typing did not progress very far, however. I spent all of my time just getting my mind around what I will need to cover in the paper and then going over some of my reference material. I expect it will be two more days of reviewing before I start typing. Anyway, the afternoon was nice but I missed Tami and Enzo.

When I got home, Enzo and I danced to Birima. I love this song. YouTube does not have the version I have but you can click here if you want to get an idea. The song is so happy and there is a part 2/3 of the way in where it just sounds like a celebration. From what I gathered at another site, the song is about a ruler named Birima who was so great that he brought the people of different classes together, spread music, and made everyone happy. The song makes me happy and dancing with Enzo made it even better. This whole dancing in the kitchen episode was after changing a diaper which brings me to the original inspiration for this post.

The Confession...

I have to admit that there are times when I imagine it's time to change Enzo's diaper and I think... "Now? Maybe just a couple more minutes?" It's sad. I want to stall. I don't want my son to sit in his poop and pee but sometimes, so tired, it is difficult to get up. I do get up and change his diaper, but I feel bad about the little stall that some times takes place while I have the conversation in my head that goes something like:
"-Dude! You can not just leave your son in a dirty diaper!
-I know! But maybe just a minute more?
-You mean like the minute you have been stalling and having this discussion with yourself in your head? How about that minute? Was that enough of a minute already? Are you comfortable thinking this over in your nice dry boxers?
-Okay, okay, you are right, I am getting up.
-Damn right I'm right."

Son, if you are reading this years after the fact, I am sorry. I admit, you spent a few more minutes in your wet diaper then was absolutely necessary. But only long enough for me to shame myself into getting up and to be awake enough to walk straight and get a new diaper. Sorry. I console myself with the assumption that most parents must have tangled with this issue at some point. It does seem kind of forgivable in light of the fact that I often become aware of your wet diaper before you are actually done using it. That's right son, it's not as uncommon as I would have imagined that just after your diaper comes off you decide to let out a little more. Sometimes we can hear you toot/poop and I tell Tami, "I'll change Enzo, just give him a few more seconds to get it all out." She sometimes let's me get away with this for a total of 3 more toots maximum. Then I get the "Babe! That's four already, he's done! Get up!" So, your mom keeps me in check when it's my turn to change you. The funniest ones, and they just make me laugh so much that I can never get even a little bit frustrated at these, are when I just get your new diaper on and hold you up only to hear the sound that means "let's change another diaper, dad." The record was set yesterday at a wet diaper to change, two separate pees between diapers (meaning I changed the mat under you twice before a new diaper even got back on to your cute butt) and then a poop as I just finished clasping your new diaper around you. Oh, you are a funny one. And a considerate one as you played this trick on me in the day time when I was in the best mood to enjoy the laugh, thank you for that. Also son, if you are in fact reading this, go tell your mom you love her right now. She is working her butt off to keep you fed and happy as I type this in your youthful past and she loves you a whole lot. Then go give me a kiss on the cheek because I love you and because I said so.

By the way, your mom just told me to check your diaper, mother's intuition I guess, as I finished the above. It was wet. Guess what you did in your fresh clean diaper while I was buttoning up the last button on your sleeper? Yep. You think you're so funny don't you? Good comedic timing with this blog post. Well, played my son. Well played.

A Little Perspective

I like to think of everyone's "truth", everyone's understanding of how the Universe works, as just one of many valid perspectives. Including my own. I also like to play with perspectives, look for alternate perspectives, and actively choose my perspectives for given situations.

There are a whole lot of ways to look at the world. Life will continue and time will pass whether one views life as: a game, unfair, hard then you die, a glorious opportunity, a gift from god, a fortunate coincidence, etc. Some perspectives, however, are more helpful than others. Some make life more interesting and more fulfilling. Without any preparation at all, I could assume any of those examples of large scale perspectives about life (a game, unfair, hard then you die, a glorious opportunity, a gift from god, a fortunate coincidence, etc.) and list numerous pieces of supporting evidence from my life in just the last week. That's right, even in all my happiness with my son I could for example, if I choose to, make a strong case for how life is hard and then you die based on real and personal experiences just from the last week. And you know, I could convince myself of the truth of many of these and other valid perspectives. The quality of my life, however, would be so different depending on which perspective I utilized.

One situational perspective that I like to use when driving on the freeway in rush hour traffic is this. My goal is not to get to my destination quickly on the freeway (causing others to become frustrating obstacles). The goal of all of us on the freeway is to see that all of us get to our destination safely, efficiently, and with little stress. Then, I let people merge into my lane, I smile, I thank people for letting me in, and the world is a better place. When these people get to work and I go in to buy a coffee or call to make an appointment, these people are nice and feeling good because someone let them merge on the freeway and no one flipped them off on the way to work. It's a useful perspective and the drive is far less stressful.

Like the above example, I try to choose good perspectives for situations and also to respect the perspectives used by others to navigate through life. This use to be very difficult for me. I would go crazy when my core beliefs were challenged, when a contradictory idea showed merit, when the reality of the world seemed to shift and to make me sea sick. I took my perspectives to be truth and I held on tight. So many impassioned arguments and discussions, frustrations, and quests for understanding were the result. How many books I read looking for the answers. How many song lyrics I attempted to squeeze wisdom from. How many contemplative hours I spent attempting to reconcile seemingly opposing concepts that seemed justifiable. Now, I take my truth to be but one perspective.

A couple of days ago I was looking at this beautiful son of mine lying on my chest awake. This little guy, nine days old today, less than two feet tall, will grow to be a toddler, a young man, a man. Will I have enough time to love every evolving incarnation of him? Will I be able to show it and will he know it?

Looking at my son I thought, this little guy will grow to re-"discover" for the first time, all over again, everything about being alive as a human. He will experience the newness of all that has already been done billions of times over on Earth. He will kiss, have a good grade, a bad grade, be embarrassed, be proud, feel the joy in a memory that comes back with a smell, find fear, find confidence, have sex, smile at the sky... Simply put, he will live life new... though it is older than memory.

Is it futile? Is it a waste of time and energy doing all this that has all been done already? With my son so very real in front of me I say NO. It is not futile, it is excellent that he should discover everything that has already been discovered, that he will live, with newness, the oldest human experiences of life. I know he won't get all of the experiences. Every human experience has a probability of occurring for each individual, some experiences are more likely than others. My son will very likely experience simple joy, a first kiss, doubt, success, almost falling back on a chair but catching himself before he falls. I want him to know these and others. He may also, but is not very likely to, experience: a betrayal so shocking he would murder, the life of the richest 5% of his contemporaries, homelessness, having quintuplets, rescuing a stranger's life.

I have been playing with all of these thoughts and admiring my son over the last couple of days. Then, for the sake of musing, I asked myself, "What if Life is the main entity and not the person alive?" And from this question I dreamed up this interesting perspective:

Humans exist to support life. Life is not there for humans. Life itself is the evolving entity. By maintaining a variety of living creatures in diverse circumstances experiencing the Universe, the essence of Life itself continues to "live well." With this perspective, we are servants to life and not the other way around. Life owes us nothing but asks us to live and to experience as richly as possible so that the essence of Life may thrive through every conceivable manifestation and repetition. It "knows" it is not possible for every individual to live every human experience so it allows great variety amongst us to live the full range of experiences from rich to poor, tall to short, hairy to bald, brilliant to dull, etc. so that as a species, human life is totally experienced. It "knows" that life is in the newness, the discovery, the mastery, and in the moving on so it allows us to die so that new generations may do it all over and make the mundane belabored story of life into something new again. Life does this for every living species, humans, giraffes, flowers...

Using this perspective my son will revitalize Life through it's newness to him. My job as his father will be to teach and prepare him to appreciate and to enjoy life's experiences and the opportunities available to him. That is my job because it enriches the essence of Life, because it is a pleasure to both my son and to myself, and because I am a servant to Life. Every day, how shall I fully experience life? Every day, how shall I prepare my son to enjoy all of his experience?

That's one alternate perspective I have enjoyed contemplating these recent days while admiring my son, an experience that is still very new to me. If I had to classify it, I would say it's one of the beneficial perspectives, of the type that would lead to a life well lived.

Musicals and The Legend of Enzo's Name

On Musicals:
I'm not a big fan of musicals. To get into a movie or a play one really has to either be impressed with the art or one has to be able to suspend disbelief. And, I just find it difficult to suspend disbelief when people are singing about everything all of the time. Sure, I have fond memories of The Sound of Music and Fiddler on the Roof because of my grandma, so those ones are okay. And, I have to admit, the movie Chicago was pretty entertaining and Grease is okay, especially the last song. So, I'm not supporting my original statement very well here, am I? Still, I'll say it again, I just don't care for musicals. But I do like to sing once in a while. Who hasn't done a "pee-pee dance" when the bathroom was occupied? And, who hasn't once in a while made up lyrics and a song to go along with the "pee-pee dance?" When I rode my first motorcycle home, April 25th, 1998, I was so happy that I sang at full volume inside my helmet the whole way home making up the words and tune as I went along with a smile so big it surely must have been busting out of my helmet. So, life can be a little like a musical sometimes. And that's my point here. Having Enzo just makes it easier to break into song. Everything kind of has a rhythm to it so, for just one of many examples, today when I wanted to check his diaper I spontaneously ended up singing a new Randy original that began with:
"Pee-pee son?, pee-pee son?,
Who has pee-pee on his bum?
Pee-pee diaper, pee-pee diaper,
Who would like a clean one?"
You know, it's about as silly as half the numbers in a musical but at least I can now explain to myself that the writers of musicals probably have children and my world makes a little more sense to me. I'm still not sure why people were impressed with the Miss Saigon musical but then I saw it long before I had a child.


On The Legend of Enzo's name:
We all, I believe, like to attach meaning to aspects of life. Tami and I certainly did want meaning attached to Enzo's name. We started months ago with a web site link that let friends, family, and whomever submit names for the "Name The Kid Contest." The prize for the winners of the "Contest" is the honor and coolness of knowing that they named another human. When the list reached about 120 names we narrowed it down to 20. Over the next few weeks names were added and deleted and I would estimate approximately 150 names were proposed. Tami and I would consider the comments people entered with the names they proposed and we would do internet searches to look for meaning in the names and we would consider how we liked the names in general for our son. As we got closer to the big day, we were definitely talking more and more about certain names than others so I would say there were about seven names in the strong running by Christmas.

One of the names we liked was Lorenzo. As I mentioned, we were looking for meaning and of course, words mean different things for different people. Lorenzo, to us, meant a great accomplishment. Our son was sure to be our great accomplishment and the name fit. We also liked the 'z' in there. Lorenzo is Spanish for Laurence which traces back to the laurel plant which is a symbol of accomplishment. It was what the ancient Olympic winners wore on their head, wreaths of laurel. I mentioned to Tami that if we chose that name, he could go by Enzo which sounds super cool. And Tami said, "Or, we could just name him Enzo." Well, that makes sense. Honestly, I'm kind of tired of clarifying that I go by Randy though my name is Randolph. Why not skip all that with our son and go straight to the name he will go by? Ever since then, Enzo was in the running though we never got around to adding it to our web list of potential names that friends and family were checking in on.

Another name we liked is Raines. It was added to our "Name The Kid Contest" list by Laurie who you see holding our beautiful boy in the picture. She liked the name from Memphis Raines, a character in the movie Gone in 60 Seconds. The name does sound cool.

One day I was walking downtown when I came across friends on the patio of the local pub and we started talking about the name search. I told them there were still about 20 names on the list plus one I hadn't gotten around to typing but that I liked: Enzo. They asked what the other names were so I started reading them off from my phone. One of them, I'm not sure which, heard them and said "Enzo Raines!" That started it. All four of them, Matt, Mitra, Nathan C. and Ona, started talking about how cool Enzo Raines was for what I recall as a non-stop 20 minute discussion. Much praise was heaped on the name. At one point Matt said something to the effect of "Enzo Raines is so cool, that needs to be his name" when, with the timing of a Hollywood movie, we heard a very nice motor sound, turned to the street, and there was a Ferrari to punctuate his statement. If you didn't know, Enzo Ferrari is THE Ferrari of exotic car fame, the man that created the cars and the Ferrari company. Well, that was as definitive of a sign as Matt and Nathan needed. I promised to mention the name combo to Tami when I got home.

Days later, several great names were still in the running, Tami decided we were close enough and we would wait to meet The Kid in person to learn what his actual name is. Labor began Saturday night (actually at 1 a.m. on Sunday morning) with multiple contractions per hour. There went sleep. That night and for the next three days and three nights we stayed awake on very little rest while Tami had these contractions, waiting for them to build to the point where we could go in and deliver our son. So, we went for a walk each day. The sky started out dry each time but during the walk we would be pleasantly rained on and it was a good experience. Tami commented once on how the rain was cleansing and preparing us for our new experience as parents. After four nights and three days of labor contractions, and three days of walks in the rain, Raines become the front runner for our son's middle name. We liked it. I love water, I love the idea that one of our son's names is something real and tangible in nature, we liked the sound, and we liked the fact that our sons name said something about his way of coming out into the world. On the fourth night since contractions began, walking home in the rain for the third time, it was time to go deliver our baby. By this point, we knew our son's middle name. And that narrowed down the list of first names to create name combinations that we liked.

When our son was born, 15 hours of laboring in the hospital later (we showed up at 9 pm on Tuesday and Enzo emerged at 12:03 pm on Wednesday) I asked him his name. I said several of the names to him over and over from the list that Tami and I were still considering and I watched his expressions. He liked Enzo. Tami and I and friends and family provided the name options, as parents we guided the selection, nature and our son's emerging experience chose his middle name, and our son, through facial expressions at the sounds, chose his first name. And that's how we, Tami and I, give meaning to our son's name. That's our legend of the name Enzo Raines. In my own words his name translates as: Our great accomplishment, born of water.

Like any cool tattoo, and a name is a bit like a tattoo, we can define and refine the meaning for it over time while in everyday life, it's just cool for what it is.

So, the winners for the "Name The Kid Contest" are:
Tami and Randy for the Enzo suggestion
Laurie for the Raines suggestion
Matt, Mitra, Ona, and Nathan C. for the name combo suggestion
Nature and Enzo for the final selection and giving meaning to the names.

And now, Tami and I have Our Great Accomplishment, Born of Water.

The Village

We are so lucky to have our friends and family. We have only been home two days and Tami's parents have brought food, cousin Joanna brought food, and my parents brought food. My parents and sister also held Enzo for a bit today so that both Tami and I could take a much needed nap and then helped take down our Christmas decorations and clean up around the house. Our dishes were done when we first got home with Enzo and I assume Matt and Mitra had something to do with that. Also, friends are bringing food tomorrow. These are just a few examples, not to mention all of the countless kindnesses I have been too distracted to notice and all of the good wishes and congratulations coming from all over from friends and family.

And I think, how in the world do you do this on your own? How does the married woman pull this off when her husband simply must be at work? How does the single parent pull this off and pay bills, and keep up the house, and maintain sanity or even take a shower? How does a couple or a single parent do it when they are in a place with no support?

I sit and admire my son and I haven't enough fingers or toes on our arms and legs combined to count all of our blessings. We are lucky, we are fortunate. And we are grateful.

I'll Fly Away....

My new all time favorite thing to do in the entire universe!  My son laying on my chest, sleeping with a blanket over him, watching him, loving him.  At one point I started singing "go to sleep little baby..." from the Oh Brother, Where Art Thou movie.  Thanks to modern phones, YouTube was only a click away and we were listening to that and other songs from the soundtrack while he slept on my chest.  I was in heaven with my son's skin on mine and Alison Krauss singing "I'll fly away" on the speaker phone..... heaven.

What a great life I get to experience.

We are heading home in just a few minutes to usher in the New Year as a family together.

He is the most beautiful creature in my world and I am so happy.

Enzo Raines

Enzo Raines is born today, 12/30/09 at 12:03pm (all multiples of 3).  The amount of words I would like to write about this day is matched only by my fatigue.  They will have to wait to be written.  I'll just say that we are very fortunate and that my wife is amazing!  Enzo is healthy and beautiful.  Tami is healthy and beautiful.  What a superb day.

Welcome to the world my son!

Christmas

(Don and Aly got The Kid his first motorcycle, this one in wood.)

Usually we travel around town on Christmas visiting our families. This year we figured the giant kid-filled-belly entitled us to stay home and have family come to us. Pregnancy makes you royalty among those who love you and even among some strangers. Tami is the focus of conversations, her comfort and wishes are constantly looked after, gifts are given to her regularly, when we take long to cross the street and the lights have changed the cars continue to wait patiently and the drivers smile; like she's royalty. And me? Royalty by association, but with a twist. I get special treatment when with Tami, but my own friends will greet me with disappointment and a trace of derision if I show up at a gathering without Tami. Then, the good friends that they are, they try to convince themselves and me that they are happy to see me too. It's funny and makes me smile. I imagine Tami will get a little of this treatment later if she shows up to some places without The Kid.

As I was saying about Christmas, and in keeping with our greater royalty-like social status, we decided to stay home this year and invite family to visit us if they liked and that worked out great. Many of our family came over to visit, chat, bring food, cook, and clean up after. There is a lot to be said for being pregnant over the holidays.

This morning we were able to wake in a clean house though we hosted nearly 15 people throughout yesterday. And, we broke in the new waffle iron! Yum. Home made waffles, coffee for me and soy hot chocolate for Tami. But before the waffle iron was ready, we had left over pie. A delicious way to begin a day. And now for a lazy day, among the last we will share before The Kid arrives.

The "Supposed" Day

As you may notice from the count down labeled "days until The Kid Arrives," today is the due date; all but come and gone, the counter proudly displaying "0". While there are a few hours remaining, it's safe to say that this kid will not share his Aunt, my sister-in-law, Traci's birthday. While I'm at it, Happy Birthday Traci! So what's going on? With the baby- all normal stuff as far as we can tell. We do have another doctor appointment tomorrow morning so perhaps there will be more news then.

Tami and I have been spending a lot of time together and it feels like vacation. Which it is, so I guess that makes sense. In fact, as of last Friday, I don't work again until February as I took January off to be with Tami and The Kid. While we can't go hiking and go on motorcycle rides and trips together as we tend to do in summer, Tami and I thought we might try some games. We've played chess a few times in the past but we've never settled into playing games together to unwind at night. A couple of nights ago we tried Boggle. That was a good time. The coolest part is that when we finally decided to stop playing and tally up the score, we were both even at 85 points. Neat. We also have run many errands together, watched a couple of movies, and generally enjoyed each other's company. We do some things separate. I went on a morning motorcycle ride today while Tami was still sleeping. As I type this, Tami is at yoga. And Sunday I stayed home all day feeling crummy so Tami hung out with her sister.

My anxiety level has been fairly high lately, rising several times each day but never to a full panic attack. Back when I was having panic attacks my digestive system would shut down, belly swell up, and it would take three days before I could comfortably move around again, a few days more for my digestive system to normalize. Well, even without a panic attack, that's what happened Saturday and that's why I spent Sunday at home feeling crummy. It was interesting because I experienced the anxiety symptoms and the abdominal discomfort all without fear of them, so that's a big positive. Still, I knew that I would be lying around for three days until the bloating was down and I was comfortably mobile again. But I was wrong, this time I was up again after only a day and a half. I'm making progress. Since Sunday I've spent several hours reading more about anxiety and panic attacks from the book I have and from numerous websites. Reading and learning helps a lot. I think it is the reading and thinking along new lines that helped me to recover quicker this time. My anxiety level has been spiking so many more times each day now but it doesn't get as high as it use to five months ago. It's gotten a little scary, but I'm lucky to have been around Tami or good friends when it has gotten that bad in the last weeks and they have helped me to vent and keep it manageable. Tami is practically a saint when it comes to helping me get through tough anxiety peaks. I'm curious to see if my anxiety issues change after The Kid is born, specifically as a result of him being born. I wonder if there is a connection there. Either way, I continue to learn, improve my thinking, and become better equipped to handle anxiety. I think I am becoming a better person in the process. I'm even proud of myself for getting this good at managing the anxiety and that's a long way from before when I was berating myself for "having to deal with this issue at all." Hopefully I'm still being supportive enough to Tami's needs as I work on myself. I love her and think that I remind her and show her daily. Today I massaged her feet with lotion. Not just one foot, both feet! Does that count for two days of love and support? Well, as long as she keeps telling me she is happy we are spending so much time together, I think I'm doing all right.

I am excited to meet my son. And I admit that I am nervous about the big day- what ever day that turns out to be. I am nervous, and excited. There is a layer of giddiness under the surface like balloons waiting to be dropped on an expecting crowd. I have no idea what the effect of the celebration will be on me, but it will be a celebration.

Baby not quite ready yet

We went to the doctor's office today and all is well. Unless you ask Tami. The midwife says she thinks The Kid is going to be pretty late, possibly late enough to be a New Year's baby. Late enough that The Kid will not be out for Christmas. Tami is funny about this. Half cute, half frustrated. I reminded Tami that in the beginning of the pregnancy, she thought it would be cool to have a New Year's baby. She reminded me that I'm not expected to talk when she is pregnant AND frustrated. I think I'll stick to noncommittal laughing. She still gives me funny looks, but it's not enough to cause any problems between us. Also, I like to think that my laughing is part of her therapy and helps her accept that she will be pregnant for a little longer. She is taking it well besides referring to the midwife as a crazy lady now. We did hear the heart beat again. 138 beats per minute. The Kid was energetic when we got in there because we had just eaten. As I said, he is doing well and in position with head down but he won't be popping out any time too soon.

Ready

(Notice the antlers. Yes, she puts them on every day this time of year. She is asleep on the couch next to me with them on as I type.)

The Kid's room is done, I'm only 20 pages away from finishing The Birth Partner, and the car seats are installed in the cars. I'm not sure when the "You're officially qualified to be a father" certificate will show up, but I'm expecting it at any moment. I am feeling pretty good about the big day- and it's not far off. 10 days, plus or minus a few. Tami thinks three to five days sounds about right. I don't know, I'm sort of hoping for six plus days so that my winter vacation will have begun and I'll be around all of the time. Then again, how much more exciting can it get then to drive off from work after getting a call saying it's time? We'll see how our story unfolds.

A couple of days ago we went on a tour of the hospital birthing areas. I was surprised as the birthing rooms were not as sterile and cold looking as I had envisioned. The furniture and the floors look like wood. The lights have lamp shades. Sure, there are more dials and tubes then in most rooms, and there is a big movable spot light against one of the walls, but it's more inviting than I expected. The midwifes and nurses were nice and the nursery, the place the babies go when they are in need of medical attention, was not scary looking. I, for some reason, expected it to be. Maybe the fact that even this room had big windows open to the hall made it less scary. How bad can it be if it's not hidden from view?

Today, Tami and I spent more time together in a day then we have since summer. In the process we cuddled lying down in the morning for the first time in days (big belly has made it difficult), decorated The Kids room, went through our birthing plan, talked about birth, went grocery shopping, got frustrated with each other over silly stuff, got over it, and loved each other. A good day. The only time we spent apart was when Tami went to dance class early in the morning and I walked into downtown to read The Birth Partner at the Campbell Cafe.

It was beautifully grey this morning. Clouds were low, moving, and thick. The rain was constant and light. Great for a walk, a read, and a think. One of the things I was thinking about was how often I am actively thinking. The councilor for my anxiety issues said that I associate relaxation with boredom. To work on this was the real motivation to go for a walk this morning. The goal was to just walk in the light rain and enjoy the feeling of being, without having to do anything. It's weird, but this is the first weekend in so long that I have nothing I have to do for work or night school; I'm all caught up for a while. Still, anxiety has been an issue lately, even sleeping has been difficult. Today was no exception, but I worked through it. Not fun, but doable. The triggers are more difficult to identify now that I am over issues with driving and riding. Today, one of the high anxiety episodes happened while looking for mayonnaise, another while sitting in front of the Christmas tree chatting with Tami, and once at the Cafe. Sort of all over the place. When triggers do make sense they tend to have to do with time, creating quality work, or thoughts of birth. Not sure how mayonnaise fits into the scheme.

As I was saying, my goal this morning was to just be and to appreciate. Last minute, I decided to take a book, too. I had to give in a little to a need for distraction, at least the book is pertinent to my life right now. While thinking and taking in the weather, I considered that I am always thinking or reading if I am not "doing something." When I don't have a book, I buy a paper. When I have nothing to think about, I assign myself something "useful" to work on mentally. I wondered if Buddhism and Taoism weren't created as an organized way to help the masses deal with anxiety. Maybe the idea of Nirvana was just thrown in to make Buddhism look like a religion and present a long term goal to keep the focus. Maybe the ancients just needed a way to relax when looking for the right mayonnaise in the grocery store. Well, these are the kinds of things one thinks about when considering the fact that it is difficult to make a mind silent. I'm not sure if I can just stop doing, reading, writing, and thinking cold turkey. I'm working to wean myself off. I remember going on walks and being wholly present in the moment, undistracted. I know it's possible. I'm sure The Kid will be plenty distraction enough to wean me from any thinking addiction. I believe he will also be plenty motivation to be present and to enjoy the moment.

You know, it's kind of weird that I now find myself always trying to be doing something. I use to think of myself as a fairly lazy person. I'm not going to tell my child "Do it right or don't do it at all." It's one of the things I was thinking about this morning. If I don't feel I can produce at a certain level, I don't want to produce at all. Maybe that's why I thought of myself as lazy for so long; I didn't start producing until later when I was confident that I could live up to some standard. And then there is always the fear of missing the mark along the way. Is this why it took me seven years to graduate college? It was torture to turn in homework the whole time, only slightly less painful to drop out several times in my first years of college. Maybe I should have told myself it's more important to do something than to do it right. Maybe just doing is good enough to start with, and doing it well should be a goal later on down the line. That's the thing about aphorisms and advice, even two contradictory ones can sound full of truth and insight. This I do believe to be true; the more comfortable I have become with failure, the more initially scary, and ultimately interesting, experiences I have had.

All-righty Kid. I'm ready to fail with you. But I'll try to do well. Who knows, by the time you're 30 I just might be doing the father thing right.